I'm Real

I'm the realest person I ever met.  It's not east being real.  Someone tries to make me laugh, I don't, and then I'm a jerk.  Most people will let the fake laughter flow to avoid awkwardness: not me.  I can't go along with this believing in god stuff.  I could just lie, say I believe in god and love Jesus, and then I'd be a part of this huge club.  But I refuse to lie about it.  I have depression.  I'm on antidepressants, but I don't think they are working any wonders for me.  I'm still depressed.  I had a scary thought.  Is there an antidepressant that exists that is strong enough to fool me into thinking that life doesn't suck?  I doubt it.  Everyday, I think about life.  Everyday I think that life sucks.  It  has been a lifelong study.  I keep coming to the same conclusion.
Being as real as I am can hurt your employment situation.  What if my boss tries to make me laugh, but I don't?  If he gets the chance, he might replace me with a fake laugher.  I've thought, plenty of times, "They aren't paying me nearly enough money to laugh at this bozo's jokes."  Obviously, being this real isn't good for making, and keeping, friends.  I'm currently not speaking to my best (human) friend.  I feel as though I've taken a ton of crap from him.  I don't even really understand friendship.  If I don't feel like calling someone, I won't.
I haven't been able to stop drinking.  I've been trying to drink less.  I just get so bored of being sober.  I don't care if it's bad for my health.  I don't want to live to be 100.  I'm not looking forward to my mind and body deteriorating (further than they already have).  That's what old age is: coming undone.  I took a DVD out from the library and popped it into the DVD player.  I had seen it before.  That's not the only time that happened.  That's a "senile" type of thing to do.  I'm losing my marbles, and there is no keeping them.
At this point, I no longer live for myself.  I don't want to live.  But I want to change the world, which is hard to do when you're dead.  I want to improve things for animals: especially those living under the cruel thumb of humans.  I want to convince people to adopt kids that already need a home instead of bringing more into the world.  At least I have 2 good reasons to live.       

Pain

Pain in my brain
Pain in my heart
Pain in my hernia
Pain in my knees
Pain in my back
Pain in my soul
Pain in my soles
Pain in my stomach
Pain in my head
Pain in my legs
Pain in my hands
Pain in my life
Pain in my liver
Pain in my throat
Pain in my feet
Pain in my ankles
Pain in my lungs
Pain in my pancreas
Pain in my gall bladder
Pain in my rectum
Pain in my neck

Pain in my ass

Mind Alive

 
My mind is alive today.  I spent yesterday with my closest human friend (My friends consist of dogs, cats, and squirrels as well.).  He is a biological parent.  I finally told him my true feelings about biological parenthood.  I think it is "messed-up" (edited) for people to bring other people, and animals, into this brutal world.  This resulted in a spirited discussion.  My friend, who I'll call Herb, is an intense debater.  If he disagrees with something I said, he'll tell me.  He disagreed with the statement I made.  He said that he thinks "virtually everyone" is happy.  Now I disagree with that statement vehemently.  Just take a look at the suicide rate.  Suicide is consistently a leading cause of death worldwide.  Forgive me if you're aware I've written this here before, but it's only one sentence, and I think it bears repeating.  The American media, by and large, does not report suicides (with the obvious exceptions of stars like Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams), because the CDC has asked them not to.  Why?  Because when the media reports suicides, it leads to more (copycat) suicides. 
Forgive me, I believe I'm currently experiencing hypomania, which has been redlined here (and "redlined" too, but I'll use it anyway), but The New York Times uses this word, and if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me.  I'm irritable.  I think it's becasue I smoked with Herb yesterday.  According to him, he and "virtually" everyone else are happy as clams (Which is a good one.  Do you think clams are happy?  I don't.), but, as he himself has admitted, he self medicates.
When I told Herb how I feel, and he disagreed, and I admitted my philosophies are based on my own experiences, his response was predictable: "Boo-freaking-hoo. (edited)"  I'm a cry baby.  I'm a whiner.  I'm not afraid to be called a whiner.  I used to be a whiner, then I realized that nobody gave a damn, because everyone has their own problems to deal with.  So I stopped being a whiner.  But I recently thought that "Don't be a whiner." is just a way for the insanity to continue.   "I'm miserable, my life isn't going the way I want it to, but I won't whine about it.  Then I'll bring one or more people into the world, and if they're miserable, I'll tell them to stop whining."  And the vicious cycle continues.
Herb also said that people aren't gonna wanna hang out with someone who thinks that life sucks.  That's understandable, but it's more important to me to be REAL.            

Got to Give It Up

 
I haven't been posting much original stuff here lately.  It seems like my page views took a nose dive when I shared my thoughts about god and religion.  People will be offended by my thoughts on this subject, but I'm likewise offended when a Christian says that anyone who hasn't accepted Jesus as their lord and savior is going to burn in hell.
I had a very uncomfortable psychiatrist appointment this week.  As usual, I met with her and the director of the mental health place I've been going to for a while now.  The appointment was going the way it usually does, when the director asked if I'd gained weight.  I admitted I had.  They began to interrogate me about the weight gain.  I was asked if I still exercise.  The answer was yes.  Then I was asked if I drink.  The answer was yes.  How much?  About 5 times a week.  This is where the mood in the room changed.  How much do you drink?  I had to do a little math in my head, because I usually drink vodka, and I measure out 1 ounce of it into each drink, which is 2/3 of a shot.  I answered that I drink about 5 drinks a day (5 times a week) or more.  The mood really got dark from that point on.  After all, it was clear that I was a fat drunk: definitely not the best day of my life.  Both of them stopped smiling and looked very concerned.  Then it was established that I've been drinking like this the entire time I've been on Prozac.  I was told that the combination of Prozac and the alcohol I'd been drinking wasn't good for my health.  They are concerned about my liver.  I need to see a doctor and get my blood tested.  It was also established that my friend thinks I'm annoying when I drink too much, and I black out regularly.  I was told these are enough good reasons to quit.  I was asked about other drugs.  I admitted to smoking weed a few times a month.  They seemed to be much more concerned about the alcohol.  I asked if I could finish what I had left: 4 beers and less than 1 bottle of vodka.  I was told I should pour it out.  I probably won't do that.  I plan to give it to a friend.
I haven't drank any alcohol since that meeting, which was 2 days ago.  I want to quit.  I'm much more likely to feel better the day after not drinking than if I had drank.  I don't like going to the liquor store.  I think liquor stores are evil places.  When someone goes into business manufacturing alcohol, or they sell it in stores, they are, in my opinion, involved in evil activities.  People drink themselves to death.  People drink and drive and kill others as a result.  People get drunk and become violent.  I'm hoping I can quit.  Unfortunately, alcohol is everywhere.
These are lyrics to a song by the great Thin Lizzy that are applicable:

       "Got To Give It Up"

I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff
I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff

Tell my mama and tell my pa
That their fine young son didn't get far
He made it to the end of a bottle
Sitting in a sleazy bar

He tried hard but his spirit broke
He tried until he nearly choked
In the end he lost his
Bottle drinking alcohol

I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff
I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff

Tell my brother I tried to write and
Put pen to paper but I was frightened
I couldn't seem to get the words out right
Right quite right

Tell my sister I'm sinking slow
Now and again I powder my nose
In the end I lost my bottle
It smashed in a casbah

I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff
I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff

I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff
I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff

I've been messing with the heavy stuff
For a time I couldn't get enough
But I'm waking up and it's wearing off
Junk don't take you far

Tell my Mama I'm coming home
In my youth I'm getting older
And I think it's lost control
Mama I'm coming home

I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff
I've got to give it up I've got to give it up
That stuff  

Mad World

 
"Mad World" (Tear for Fears song)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad World
Mad world
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world