I'm Real

I'm the realest person I ever met.  It's not east being real.  Someone tries to make me laugh, I don't, and then I'm a jerk.  Most people will let the fake laughter flow to avoid awkwardness: not me.  I can't go along with this believing in god stuff.  I could just lie, say I believe in god and love Jesus, and then I'd be a part of this huge club.  But I refuse to lie about it.  I have depression.  I'm on antidepressants, but I don't think they are working any wonders for me.  I'm still depressed.  I had a scary thought.  Is there an antidepressant that exists that is strong enough to fool me into thinking that life doesn't suck?  I doubt it.  Everyday, I think about life.  Everyday I think that life sucks.  It  has been a lifelong study.  I keep coming to the same conclusion.
Being as real as I am can hurt your employment situation.  What if my boss tries to make me laugh, but I don't?  If he gets the chance, he might replace me with a fake laugher.  I've thought, plenty of times, "They aren't paying me nearly enough money to laugh at this bozo's jokes."  Obviously, being this real isn't good for making, and keeping, friends.  I'm currently not speaking to my best (human) friend.  I feel as though I've taken a ton of crap from him.  I don't even really understand friendship.  If I don't feel like calling someone, I won't.
I haven't been able to stop drinking.  I've been trying to drink less.  I just get so bored of being sober.  I don't care if it's bad for my health.  I don't want to live to be 100.  I'm not looking forward to my mind and body deteriorating (further than they already have).  That's what old age is: coming undone.  I took a DVD out from the library and popped it into the DVD player.  I had seen it before.  That's not the only time that happened.  That's a "senile" type of thing to do.  I'm losing my marbles, and there is no keeping them.
At this point, I no longer live for myself.  I don't want to live.  But I want to change the world, which is hard to do when you're dead.  I want to improve things for animals: especially those living under the cruel thumb of humans.  I want to convince people to adopt kids that already need a home instead of bringing more into the world.  At least I have 2 good reasons to live.