What a Wonderful World

What a wonderful world to bring babies into.  Terrorists driving trucks through crowds of people is the new norm.  If you haven't already, imagine the brutality of what happened in Berlin and Nice: people's bodies being smashed, crushed, dragged, and brutalized.
I remember hearing that there was a baby boom after 9/11.  Apparently, people are so fucked-up, that when terrorists hijacked passenger jets and used them to knock the Twin Towers down, they thought, what a great world to bring babies into!
Life is pain, fear, shit, boredom, frustration, and agony.

Cruel Holidays

The holiday season is when humans celebrate their dominance of animals and nature.  They put turkey carcasses and hams on their tables.  They cut down living trees so they can put them in their homes for a matter of days or weeks.  Then they unceremoniously toss them to the curb.  How much of this sort of death and destruction occurs during the holiday season?
It's too easy to be cruel to animals.  Meat is everywhere.  It's advertised.  It's acceptable to be cruel: especially if you're not getting blood on your hands.  Meat is too far removed from the animal it once was.  Perhaps they should put pictures of lambs on lamb meat in stores and on menus in restaurants. 
A coworker showed me pictures of 2 dead deer her friends had murdered.  She was so happy about it.  Also at work, a customer asked another customer, with a smile on his face, if he had killed deer, because he was buying a freezer.  He had killed deer.  A customer was buying a squirrel trap to catch a "dirty, rotten, stinking" (definitely his words, not mine.  I love squirrels.) squirrel, which he thought was funny.  I shudder to think what he would do to a squirrel if he caught one.
At work, we have a wall of cruelty, that's covered with gift cards to restaurants that serve meat: Burger King, Red Lobster, steakhouses, etc.
I don't have much of a reason to live.  At work, I'm surrounded by people who think nothing of being cruel to animals, whether directly or indirectly.  They talk about the meat they enjoy with smiles on their faces; they never let me forget it.  At home, I have to hear my loud, shitty neighbors.  Whenever I am, I'm always in pain and tired.  I've had a runny nose for weeks, if not months.  The skin on my hands is dry and cracking open as a result of the cold weather.  On the way to work, in a blizzard, I lost control of my car twice.  I'm lucky I didn't hit anything.        

Everyday

The cover of Veganman

Two things are on my mind every single day: multiple times a day.  After all, I'm frequently reminded of them.
First, and foremost, I'm angry, depressed, and frustrated about animal cruelty, and how widespread it is, which is why I wrote Veganman, which is here on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZSHNT5I It is the rare story that's more about animals' happiness than people's happiness.  I'm reminded of animal cruelty everywhere: online, while watching TV, listening to the radio, while reading, and every time I go anywhere.
Secondly, I strongly believe it is an act of cruelty for a person to bring people or animals into this world of boredom, frustration, misery, agony, pain, suffering, injustice, hostility, violence, rage, rape, child molestation, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, avalanches, landslides, rockslides, mudslides, wildfires, arson, (car, plane, train, etc.) accidents, disease, mental illness, suicide, murder, war, terrorism, and death.  I am still sober, and I am taking antidepressants.  I am less depressed than when I was drinking and not taking antidepressants, but, obviously, I still feel this way.
 

Surrounded by Cruelty

It's not enough that I have to see and smell meat in the break room at work when I'm eating my lunch.  I also have to hear my coworkers talking extensively about meat.  At least 2 of my coworkers think it's hilarious to say that "Bacon makes everything better."  The 2 of them, and others, have repeated this over and over again.  I hate hearing this, especially while seeing their smiling faces, because I know what sort of extreme cruelty people are supporting when they buy bacon and other pig meat products.  They just go on and on, laughing and smiling, about the meat they like to eat.  It is so insensitive.  I can only assume that the animals they are eating mean nothing to them.  This is what animals, and those that really love them, are up against. 
A wise man told me that the only real hope "food" animals have is the development of vegan meat that is cheaper than real meat and also resembles it closely.
In the meantime, cruelty is everywhere.  At work, customers approach me, clad in leather, buying things like mousetraps, gopher poison, and beef jerky. 
I was flipping channels on my TV, and I saw a sweet, innocent, vulnerable, beautiful deer, who was foraging in the forest.  I was full of love and good feelings toward that deer.  However, I know that there are plenty of hunting shows on TV, and, indeed, this wonderful image was replaced by a hunter aiming his rifle at the deer.  I immediately changed the channel, because I didn't want to see that deer get shot.  Shooting at deer is monstrous.  Animal liberation is something that is long overdue. 

Too Many People

As I mentioned previously, I'm working on an eBook, so I don't have much time for this, but I feel it's time I express myself again.  I've endured plenty of onslaughts at work.  As a cashier in a store, I feel as though I've had to deal with wave upon wave of zombie shoppers.  Today was certainly one of those days: just one person after another.  People lining up to buy stuff.  An endless stream of people.  I've written it before; I have no kids, but I have to deal with the result of too many people.  I have to be bombarded with them over and over again. 
Some might think I should be grateful.  Without all those customers, I wouldn't have a job.  Without all those customers, I might have chugged antifreeze or jumped or hanged myself by now.  According to my beliefs, death is a nice long slumber.  I'm not really suicidal.  It occurred to me, what if antidepressants are just good enough to keep people from killing themselves?  They're still living shitty lives that they hate; they just don't want to kill themselves as much as they used to.  It's a scary thought.  I imagine the so-called elite, the super rich, would want it that way.  They don't want the people who scrub their toilets to die, because they certainly don't want to do it.
That's part of the reason why I continue here.  If I kill myself, there will be some sort of an explanation left behind.  Maybe it will help people understand depression and suicide.
I work with someone who has autism.  Today, a customer was wearing some sort of a run to stop autism shirt.  It made me think-if you don't want your kid to get autism, then how about not bringing him or her into a world where autism exists?
Money and status aren't the most important things.  Animals are more important, and so is being someone who can truly say that they have brought neither people nor animals into this brutal world.
Pregnant women are disgusting to me.  The men who got them pregnant are equally disgusting.  I certainly don't think pregnant women deserve any special treatment.  They are bringing an innocent baby into a fucked-up, violent world of pain and despair.     

Why Am I Like This?

I haven't done this in a while, because, as I wrote, I have less discipline for sitting at the computer and writing when I'm sober.  I've also been working on some comedy writing.  I've been sober since 7/31/16.  I'm also back on antidepressants: this time, Lexapro.  There have been times when I've been tempted to buy some alcohol, and I've gone through he pros and cons.  But what really seems to help is to simply remind myself that alcohol is a DEPRESSANT, and I have DEPRESSION.  The two things obviously don't go together.  Besides, it just wasn't working.  I was miserable.  I wasn't so miserable when I was drinking, but I was afterward.  In my experience, there's a price to pay for "enjoying" alcohol.
My philosophies haven't changed.  I'm not as miserable as I was when I was drinking and not on Lexapro, but I'm not happy as a clam either.  It's very hard to live among people that are living in ways I don't identify with. 
I still think it's cruel to bring people or animals into this world, which is why I haven't done so.  I turn on the TV, I go out, I go to work, and I see tons of people with kids.  I watched the news tonight.  So many kids are suffering in Syria.  Their parents brought them into a brutal world.
I'm still a vegan.  People are so thoughtlessly cruel.  I was eating lunch at work and so was a coworker.  He had gone out to get fast food.  He was eating a burger, and he said, to me, with a smile, "Everything is better with bacon."  To him, that was funny.  To me, it was not.  I did not laugh.  Animals face such an uphill battle against these selfish, uncaring, leather-wearing meat eaters.
I'm still an atheist.  I think it's stupid to believe in god.  Only children and the mentally disabled have good excuses to believe in god.
I still have no tattoos.  It's beyond me why someone would pay somebody to mutilate their bodies.
I still don't have a smartphone.  I'm so sick and tired of seeing people that are transfixed by their fucking phones.
Since I've been at my job, several customers have complained about my coworkers.  One of them even tried to get me fired.  They've complained to me about my coworkers.  They've made "customer complaints" (his words), and they've bitched and moaned about my coworkers: trying to get them in trouble, perhaps fired.  How shitty.  You weren't treated like the Queen of fucking England, and now you want someone to be unemployed as a result?  Fuck you.  I listen to their shit, but I never rat on my coworkers.   
 

Angel and Devil

I sort of feel as though I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, which many of us have seen on TV and in the movies.  I'm trying to quit drinking, but I'm faltering.  It's difficult.  I've been sober for 8 days now.  When it comes to a list of pros and cons, not drinking slaughters drinking.  Drinking led to me being arrested for the first time, which was not a pleasant experience.  Alcohol is a depressant.  People with depression, like me, shouldn't drink it.  I've done stupid things while drunk.  I've gotten bruised.  I've lost my phone.  There are plenty of reasons to not drink.  However, there are some items on the "pros" list.  Drinking gives me more endurance to sit at the computer and write.  There is a long history of writers who drink.  I've definitely been writing less during this week of sobriety.  Drinking is also sort of fun, however, it does not make me happy.  I'm sure of that. 
I have the day off tomorrow.  If I'm smart, I'll go to a local mental health center and make an appointment to get some help, because my depression and OCD have gone untreated for a while now.  If I'm stupid, I wont go.  Instead, I'll go to the liquor store, which I believe are evil places, no matter how many times I've visited one.  Alcohol was the reason why I didn't get help the last time I sought it.  I talked to a counselor who asked me about drinking; I told her about it, and she recommended treatment for it.  As a result, I stopped seeing her after one visit.  I chose alcohol over getting help for my mental health issues, which, obviously, isn't smart.  That's been the most annoying thing about getting help; they want you to stop drinking.
I can't help wondering if it isn't just better to end up like Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, or Amy Winehouse, who, I found out it a documentary, apparently found sobriety to be boring.  Drink till you die.  What is there to live for?  Pain?  Shit?  Misery?     

Good Worker

A good worker gets to work on time.
A good worker doesn't call in sick too often.
A good worker takes a lot of shit without giving it back.
A good worker endures depressing, soul-crushing boredom.
A good worker does what he "should" do as opposed to what he wants to do.
A good worker lives a miserable life just to keep a roof over his head.
A good worker is a sucker.
Opinions vary, but I'm a good worker, and I'm sick and tired of being one.
By the way, it could easily be argued that Sick of It All is the best, realest band name ever.  I've been sick of it all for quite a while now.  I'm so miserable at this job, and I'm worried it will be that way with any other job I might be able to snag.