I Don't Want to Live

I hate my job.  My neighbors ruin my home life, so I never get to enjoy myself.  I'm always in pain.  My ears are always ringing.  Life is shit.  Suicide should be easy.  I should be able to go to any drugstore and buy pills that will kill me, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  I don't want a painful, fearful suicide.  I don't think I deserve that.  I have no friends.  I could call my aforementioned frenemy, but, as I've mentioned before, he judges, criticizes, and yells at me for no good reason.  I hate life.  I want to die. 

Mantras

This is a mantra I thought of yesterday that could help me get through the day; "Time is passing; death is closer."
This is another; "I've proven I can handle the pain."  I prefer the first one, though.  There's always the possibility that I'll be dealt more pain than I can handle.

Life Is (Part 3)

Life is a squirrel relentlessly pursuing another: across the lawn, up a tree, and back the same way.  Why was the squirrel pursuing the other?  A turf war?  Rape?  Why do so many people choose to bring people and animals into a world that is so brutal?  The sheer amount of violence that occurs in the world in one day, if it could possibly be imagined, let alone measured, is staggering.  Beyond that, there is so much competition, struggle, intimidation, rich getting richer (especially with Trump as president), and poor getting poorer.  There is so much fear and worry.  How will I get by?  I hate my job.  It is so hard to get through the day.  I want to quit everyday.  What am I working for?  So I can barely get by in my miserable life.  Life is shit.       

Life Is (Part 2)

Life is sniffing like mad to keep my nose from running down my face; I can't blow my nose, because I'm wiping my ass at the time, which I would have been done with by now if I didn't have OCD.  My OCD keeps me from blowing my nose in the middle of an ass-wiping session, because that would disgusting, and it is.  My nose is running like a faucet, because my allergies are severe.  It is early in the morning, and what do I have to look forward to?  More pooping, more ass-wiping, more nose running, eyes itching, and sneezing due to allergies, hearing my shitty neighbors that I hate, going to my job that I hate, having to deal with stupid, annoying, boring people, being reminded, multiple times, just how many people are thoughtlessly contributing to the suffering of animals, being tired, in pain, and barely making it through the day (if I do make it).  I have taken allergy medication, which has made me even more lethargic than I usually am.  Depression is killing me, and it's not being treated, because I live in an incredibly greedy country (America), where antidepressants are extremely expensive, because those that profit from the sale of pharmaceuticals are allowed to charge as much as they want to; perhaps this is the only country in the world in which the prices of pharmaceuticals are unregulated.  What a great plan to weed out the poor and those who don't make much money; price pharmaceuticals out of their reach, so they will die: many by suicide.     

Unpunished Crimes

As my neighbors have been forcing me to smell the tortured flesh of animals cooking for hours now, I realized that there have been countless unpunished crimes committed against animals.  If one hired a hitman to kill one's wife or husband, the law deems that to be a serious crime that should be punished accordingly.  But that's exactly what people are doing when they buy meat.  They are paying someone to kill animals.  It should be a crime: a serious one.  However, the way animals are treated, like in factory farms, before they are murdered makes it a far worse crime than hiring a hitman to kill a person.  At least the victim of a hitman is free to live their life the way they want to before they are murdered.  Animals are confined, and treated, very cruelly prior to their murders.
What's even worse is extreme cruelty against animals is so commonplace, that these meat-eating monsters don't even think they're doing anything wrong.  The animals they eat, and, by extension, terrorize, must mean absolutely nothing to them.  They're out of sight and out of mind.  As long as I'm not being treated like that, I don't care.  Maybe that's what they're thinking, if they're even thinking anything about the animals they're killing.  They throw meat in the trash without a second thought.  I don't know if there will ever be an antidepressant powerful enough to allow me to be content to live in a world that's full of sociopaths.     

A Solution

They would make great pets.

It occurred to me that there is a solution to a couple of problems that I feel strongly about.  I have gone on, at length, here about how I feel about procreation, and that it is an act of cruelty when humans bring people or animals into this world of violence, pain, and misery.  So instead of bringing babies into this world, how about adopting a pet?  They bring great joy.  Some of my happiest memories are playing with dogs I have known.  Pets improve one's quality of life.  They reduce stress.  All you have to do is pet them and cuddle with them.  People who have pets live longer than those who don't.  They make life better.  And, unfortunately, there are tons of unwanted dogs and cats languishing in shelters.  There's another way of looking at that, though: as an opportunity.  They deserve good homes. 
Perhaps adopt an unconventional pet.  I love it when people have pigs as pets.  It shows people how pigs SHOULD be treated: with love and kindness: not cruelty and violence.  I read that hens make great pets, because they are soft to the touch, and they don't peck.  God knows they have a right to peck us, considering what we've done, and continue to do, to them.   
Of course, you should only adopt a pet if you, and everyone in your home, are willing to treat that animal as well as you possibly can for the rest of his or her life.  If you want to get a pet, but you live with someone who doesn't want one, then that is a problem.  The person who doesn't want the pet could end up being abusive toward him or her if you went through with the adoption.  There's always the possibility of getting rid of the person.
And, obviously, there is the option of adopting a human kid who needs a home.  While I believe that biological parents are selfish, I think that good adoptive (non-biological) parents are heroes.
And the sound of a barking dog just reminded me-be a responsible pet parent.  I was walking by a park the other day.  A couple of proud Canadian geese parents were watching over their babies.  It was a beautiful sight.  But then I saw 2 small dogs, off leash, approaching the area were the baby geese were.  I almost said something to the pet parents.  I hope the dogs didn't' bother the geese.  The poor parents were probably scared as hell for their babies.  I imagine that the goose parents could have scared the dogs away if they needed to, but the pet parents shouldn't let them bother the geese, and that's the point I'm trying to make.   

Double Selfish Monstrosities!

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!  That was a scream of pain, frustration, and despair.  It's official.  It's happened again.  I dread going to work.  The best thing about my workplace is dogs are allowed to be there.  Also, a very cute little girl with a lot of curly blonde hair recently blew a kiss to me.  So it only sucks 99% of the time.
I don't talk very much to my coworkers, because I don't wish to participate in certain recurring sorts of conversations.  They frequently talk about the meat they like to eat.  What am I supposed to say to that?  "I hope you fucking choke on it" comes to mind.  They also talk about their kids and grandkids.  They show pictures as well.  What do I say to that?  "Now, just how many kids have you brought into this brutal, miserable world to suffer?"  That's what I mean by double selfish monstrosities.  Eating meat is selfish, because it's cruel, and you don't need it to survive.  Bringing babies into this fucked-up, dangerous world is selfish.  Procreating is arguably the most selfish thing you can do.  Or perhaps eating meat is.  They're both way up there.  But, unfortunately, for people and animals alike, it's the norm.  It's typical.  And that's what these people are: typical.  They bore and anger the fuck out of me.      

Meat Eaters Are Nazis

People who buy meat and leather are quite similar to Nazis.  It's very easy to walk into a store and purchase such items (Apparently all too easy on the perpetrator's conscience as well, that is, if they even have consciences.), but when one does so, one supports the ongoing, horribly widespread animal holocaust, which, unfortunately for the affected animals, doesn't seem to have an end in sight, because there are far too many people who, instead of not caring about Jews, don't care about animals like chickens, cows, turkeys, and pigs (to name only a few species).  Second-World-War concentration camps are quite similar to factory farms.  Both of them contain(ed) pain, suffering, violence, horrible conditions, slim to none medical treatment for their victims, an obvious lack of concern for the victims' well being, and, of course, murder.
I'd rather not be similar to a Nazi.  You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.  There is no middle ground.

Taking a Stand

To be sung to the tune of the chorus of Jethro Tull's "Skating Away on the Thin Ice of the New Day-"
Taking a stand
Taking a stand
Taking a stand on the new land with a plan

A couple of work friends asked me to have dinner with them in a restaurant.  Not surprisingly, both of them are meat eaters.  I insisted that they order no meat at the restaurant. 
"That's not fair," my coworker replied to my request.  Your meat eating is not fair to the animals you're eating.  She also said, "You're around people eating meat here."  We were in our workplace's break room. 
"I have to be around it here," I replied.  Because I have to work and make money to support myself.  I don't have to be around shit like that on my free time.
I hardly ever eat out anyway, and that's fine.  I don't enjoy being served by a server who's being fake nice to me in order to get as big a tip as possible: not my idea of a good time.  It ain't cheap, either, and I am.
My coworker thought my request was unreasonable.  So, instead of being at the restaurant with them tonight, I'm alone, writing, and listening to metal.  I don't want to sit at a table with people who are eating meat.  People eating meat and wearing leather offend me.  What's even worse is when it's wasted.  How can I enjoy myself when I'm worried one, or both, of them is going to waste meat?  Throwing meat in the trash is so disrespectful.  The animals who provided that meat suffered in vain whenever that happens: truly heinous.   

Fuck You, Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unbelievable!  I had my next post all set to go, and then I got an email from my cunt of a mother, who wrote, "I'm disappointed that you didn't send me a b'day card or email."  She is such a stupid piece of shit!  I've told her before that I hate life, and I wish I'd never been born.  She knows I have depression and that I've attempted suicide.  She knows I was molested, as a kid, by her uncle, while she was sleeping soundly under the same roof, because she obviously failed to protect me.  I wanted to go off on her!  I still do.  I'm so distracted right now.  I don't want her in my life.  She keeps trying to put herself there.
Anyway, I first decided to not respond, but I changed my mind.  This is the email I sent to her; "I'm disappointed that you brought me into this world to suffer.  I hate life.  I wish I had never been born.  Bringing someone into this world to suffer is much, much, much, much, much, much worse than not sending a card."  I could have put A LOT more muches in there, but I'm not willing to waste too much time on the bitch.
This is what I'd like to say (or email) to her: "Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit!  Fuck your birthday!  I curse the day you were born!  I wish you had never been born; then I wouldn't have been born, and I could have avoided a ton of pain and suffering.  By the way, as I'm writing this, my back hurts; I have pain in my feet and back every fucking day.  My ears are always ringing, which is a nightmare: a sound that follows me everywhere.  I have depression and OCD, and they're not being treated, because I lost Medicaid, because my low-paying job, which I hate, pays me too much for Medicaid, but not enough for health insurance (if I want to save money for retirement).  I'm obsessed with my neighbors, who bother me on a daily basis.  Should I send a letter to the office, that's already written, complaining about them?  What if my neighbors "punish" me for doing that?  What if they are replaced by worse neighbors?  Should I go with the devil I know, or the devil I don't know?  I could complain about all the shit I have to endure, all the shitty things about life, at length, but I've done a lot of that already.
I'd like to send this too; "Fuck you!  You don't deserve anything from me except for a punch in the face!  You've been a shitty parent.  You got knocked up, unplanned, of course, as a teen.  You're stupid and ignorant as fuck now.  How stupid and ignorant were you while you were raising me, by yourself, in your early twenties, when I was a young boy?  You're lazy, selfish, cheap, cold, and uncaring.  You never should have become a parent!  When I was a kid, you blamed me for being born!  How fucking stupid and inappropriate is that?"  As much as I'd like to send something like that, I don't want her to save it and use it against me.  By the way, this is all true.  She hasn't taught me a goddamn thing.  Me, and people like me, are forced to compete with people whose parents are constantly helping them get through life.
Also in her email, she suggested that I could buy antidepressants with the $250 that she gave to me fairly recently, which, for the record, I did not ask for ( I think it was an attempt to get me to contact her, and I did thank her for the money.).  She is so fucking ignorant!  She can't be bothered to put in 2 seconds of research about what her son is going through.  What am I supposed to do, take $250 worth of antidepressants (about 2 months' worth) and then stop?  What fucking psychiatrist would recommend doing something as stupid as that?  None of them!  It reminds me of when I was staying with her.  I was mowing her lawn for her fat ass.  I stepped on a rusty nail, because the piece of lazy shit had boards with rusty nails on her lawn (You should see the inside of her house!  What a fucking slob!).  I was worried.  She wasn't.  She didn't lift a finger to help me.  She just waddled her fat ass to the library as usual.  Why make a sacrifice for your son?
I've thought of sending this email to her before, and maybe I will someday; "As long as I hate life, and I do, then it makes sense that I will hate those who gave me life.  And if you're too stupid to figure that out, and you probably are, then get someone to help you."    

You Got What You Deserved: Part 2

You're a shitty biological parent.  You conceived accidently.  You never loved your son.  You didn't prepare him for life in our competitive, complicated society.  As a result, he's lived a life of pain, poverty, and depression.  He hates you for bringing him into this fucked-up world.  He comes into your home at night, keeps you hostage, and tortures you for quite a while before he commits suicide right in front of you.  You got what you deserved.

You're a hunter.  You love to shoot at beautiful, innocent, defenseless animals.  You plan to hunt till the day you die, and that's exactly what happens.  You are shot to death by another hunter.  You got what you deserved. 

You're a mentally-competent adult meat eater.  You love meat.  You'll never stop eating it.  You think animals are lesser earthlings than you and other people.  You don't care about their suffering.  While you were riding your motorcycle, dressed in your leathers, a car hit you, and now you're severely disabled.  You got what you deserved.