REALLY frustrated w/this at this point.
1st of all, i ain't stupid, so don't even try to scam me. ask me for $, & i'll report you
i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). that means for me, you, ANYONE.
I'm sure i don't want to have kids.
i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist.
i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind.
it's sad, but i find that women are more likely to judge me when it comes to how much of a loser i am (i work full-time, but i don't have a prestigious job, & i don't make a lot of $. if that's a prob, i'm def not interested in you) as opposed to my morals & values, which i'm proud of
my experience is, if women are considering dating me, they will interrogate/judge me: fine. i will be brutally honest, because there's no point in wasting time, nor do i want to be w/someone who's obsessed w/$, status, because that's so typical.
BTW, i AIN'T a sugar daddy, & i ain't gonna be 1
I'm a bald vegan writer. I wrote 3 eBooks that are available on Amazon: "Farts & Literature" & "Veganman" (both by Sean Duffy), & my memoir, "American Loser" by Zach Murphy (I use pen names.). The links to them are in a nearby post. I love all animals: people, not so much. I'm a childfree atheist who believes in antinatalism. I have OCD & depression, or is life horrible? Society is an evil entity. Photo is of a wild groundhog outside my home
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Cowards
I'd always gotten the asshole vibe from this regular customer at work. He'd made fun of me before, & I'm sick of seeing his ugly face. I work as a lumber cashier at Lowe's, & I see some customers everyday or nearly everyday: frequently multiple times a day. It sucks. This guy is 1 of those customers.
When this guy is there by himself, there aren't problems. But when he has an audience, watch out. He's been there with his kid(s), & asked me, "Are you having fun?" & I've said, no, & he's laughed, which might not sound so bad (Certainly, trust me, it's boring & typical.), but context is everything sometimes. I'm real; that's how I am. If I'm miserable, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to act happy. & I'm frequently miserable at work for good reason; my job sucks.
Lately, this asshole has been coming into Lowe's with a young guy: a teen. So they come to my register. While I'm doing my job, the asshole asks me, "Do you like your job?" He's such an asshole, I was expecting him to laugh when I said, "no," but he didn't. "What's your passion?" he asked. As I mentioned, I'd gotten the asshole vibe from him before, so I didn't answer. he said, "not this?" I said, "no." The teen said, "Are you certified in anything?" "No," I said. "He don't give a fuck about you," the asshole said. "He's angry," 1 of them said as they were leaving. It was humiliating. They ganged up on me. If you don't see it, you had to be there.
I'm such an easy target. I stand there, they approach me, & I have to deal with them. Realistically, to be a cashier at my age means I'm a loser. & that's how they treated me. & people are so shitty, they don't care WHY you're a loser, just that you ARE 1, & therefore, it's OK to treat you like 1. Maybe I'm a loser because I'm the result of a teen pregnancy, my father left when I was 2, my mother has always been cold, selfish, lazy, uncaring, stupid, etc, & I was molested by a family member (the short version).
So that in itself sucked, but it wasn't over. That occurred at the "front end" of the store, where the main exit is. Then, as usual, I moved to the lumber register to relieve the woman who starts there at 6:00 am. So they returned. Fucking great, I thought. Even though he's well into adulthood, I saw the asshole jump onto a cart & ride it a bit.
So they approached me again. The asshole said, "hi." I was still pissed at them, so I said nothing. He laughed & so did the teen. Then he asked, condescendingly, "which register do you like better: this or the other 1?" Again, I said nothing, & again they laughed at me. I'd had enough.
"I don't appreciate you hassling me while I'm trying to pay my bills & keep a roof over my head!" I said very angrily to the asshole. I had bagged his purchases & tossed them hard onto the counter, which may have hit him a little bit, & there was hard stuff in that bag. He looked shocked; I didn't care; I was furious.
"You got it wrong," he said. "I was trying to be nice." "You laughed at me!" I replied. He said, "Yeah, but- (don't recall the rest)."
Then he called me a prick. Obviously, you can get fired for cursing out a customer, so I said, "You are!" The whole time, the teen is smirking at me: so fucking disrespectful & shitty. Then the teen bought an energy drink. I virtually always hand the change to the customers: not this time. I definitively put his change & receipt on the counter; our hands touched a little. I did not thank them for their purchases; again, I virtually always do that. The teen continued to smirk, as he said, "Have a nice day" (sarcastically) to me.
As they were leaving, the asshole loudly said, "What a fucking asshole!" or something like that, which was obviously meant for me. The teen laughed.
For quite a while, hours, afterward, I felt sick: possibly the result of an adrenaline dump. I also had, & still do, some fear. What if they come back to beat the shit out of me? I spend a lot of time alone over there: especially at night. What if 1 or both of them know Karate, etc.?
That's why I titled this "Cowards," because that's what people who fuck with other people while they're working are. It's not fair. He can call me a prick, an asshole, but I can't unless I don't mind getting fired, which doesn't seem so fucking bad, & hasn't for a while now.
Now I can "look forward" to dealing with them again (& again & again).
When this guy is there by himself, there aren't problems. But when he has an audience, watch out. He's been there with his kid(s), & asked me, "Are you having fun?" & I've said, no, & he's laughed, which might not sound so bad (Certainly, trust me, it's boring & typical.), but context is everything sometimes. I'm real; that's how I am. If I'm miserable, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to act happy. & I'm frequently miserable at work for good reason; my job sucks.
Lately, this asshole has been coming into Lowe's with a young guy: a teen. So they come to my register. While I'm doing my job, the asshole asks me, "Do you like your job?" He's such an asshole, I was expecting him to laugh when I said, "no," but he didn't. "What's your passion?" he asked. As I mentioned, I'd gotten the asshole vibe from him before, so I didn't answer. he said, "not this?" I said, "no." The teen said, "Are you certified in anything?" "No," I said. "He don't give a fuck about you," the asshole said. "He's angry," 1 of them said as they were leaving. It was humiliating. They ganged up on me. If you don't see it, you had to be there.
I'm such an easy target. I stand there, they approach me, & I have to deal with them. Realistically, to be a cashier at my age means I'm a loser. & that's how they treated me. & people are so shitty, they don't care WHY you're a loser, just that you ARE 1, & therefore, it's OK to treat you like 1. Maybe I'm a loser because I'm the result of a teen pregnancy, my father left when I was 2, my mother has always been cold, selfish, lazy, uncaring, stupid, etc, & I was molested by a family member (the short version).
So that in itself sucked, but it wasn't over. That occurred at the "front end" of the store, where the main exit is. Then, as usual, I moved to the lumber register to relieve the woman who starts there at 6:00 am. So they returned. Fucking great, I thought. Even though he's well into adulthood, I saw the asshole jump onto a cart & ride it a bit.
So they approached me again. The asshole said, "hi." I was still pissed at them, so I said nothing. He laughed & so did the teen. Then he asked, condescendingly, "which register do you like better: this or the other 1?" Again, I said nothing, & again they laughed at me. I'd had enough.
"I don't appreciate you hassling me while I'm trying to pay my bills & keep a roof over my head!" I said very angrily to the asshole. I had bagged his purchases & tossed them hard onto the counter, which may have hit him a little bit, & there was hard stuff in that bag. He looked shocked; I didn't care; I was furious.
"You got it wrong," he said. "I was trying to be nice." "You laughed at me!" I replied. He said, "Yeah, but- (don't recall the rest)."
Then he called me a prick. Obviously, you can get fired for cursing out a customer, so I said, "You are!" The whole time, the teen is smirking at me: so fucking disrespectful & shitty. Then the teen bought an energy drink. I virtually always hand the change to the customers: not this time. I definitively put his change & receipt on the counter; our hands touched a little. I did not thank them for their purchases; again, I virtually always do that. The teen continued to smirk, as he said, "Have a nice day" (sarcastically) to me.
As they were leaving, the asshole loudly said, "What a fucking asshole!" or something like that, which was obviously meant for me. The teen laughed.
For quite a while, hours, afterward, I felt sick: possibly the result of an adrenaline dump. I also had, & still do, some fear. What if they come back to beat the shit out of me? I spend a lot of time alone over there: especially at night. What if 1 or both of them know Karate, etc.?
That's why I titled this "Cowards," because that's what people who fuck with other people while they're working are. It's not fair. He can call me a prick, an asshole, but I can't unless I don't mind getting fired, which doesn't seem so fucking bad, & hasn't for a while now.
Now I can "look forward" to dealing with them again (& again & again).
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Dear mama
I'm so disappointed with you. I'm so unlucky to have been stuck with you. You're shit, but you're too delusional to know it.
You don't give a fuck about me: you never have. I'm just a mistake you made. You even literally called me a "mistake" when I was a kid when explaining how I came into this wretched existence. I've just been an obligation, a drag, a killjoy, because you were young, you were 19 when you got pregnant with me. Then dad left when I was 2, so there went your help, you had to raise me on your own, more reasons to resent my existence.
So, because of your actions, you had to work 2 jobs. And when you were done, you frequently went out, because you were a young slut. So this led to me spending a lot of time home alone: not so good for social development.
You got married for the second time to Ken. he moved in. then his son, Mike, moved it, & you really weren't happy about that. Even though he was only 13 (I was too), you treated him very unfairly. You were always mean to him: & Ken too. You physically attacked Ken several times. He had a lot of patience until 1 time he wrestled you to the ground after you attacked him. You screamed at me to call the police. I didn't, but you did. they came to the house & it was humiliating. One time, at dinner, you threw your iced tea at Ken, then you immediately refilled your glass & doused Mike, even though he wasn't a part of the argument. The whole time Mike was there, you behaved like a child having a tantrum. You even made him kneel next to the toilet so you could slam his head against it for leaving the seat up. Eventually, of course, they both left. You're a 2-time loser (divorcee). No wonder I've never "tied the knot."
You smacked my head because you thought I hadn't finished my homework, but I had, & I showed it to you. You cried, apologized, & hugged me. I was thinking, get the fuck off me.
Then I was molested by your Uncle Harry when I was a teen. You knew he liked to go to gay bars, but you made it easy for him. You let him sleep in the same bedroom as me. I woke to him kissing me on the mouth, fondling my crotch, & murmuring about "young flesh." when he saw I woke, he was terrified. he gestured toward the bedroom where you & grandma were sleeping and said, "shh!" at least he stopped molesting me. I didn't say anything about it until after he died. Your reaction was very disappointing. Seems like maybe you didn't believe me. Years later, I'm in your house, & I see a picture of Uncle Harry with his sisters. I confronted you about not only having a picture of a child molester on your bookcase, but the man who had molested YOUR OWN SON, & you waddled your fat ass over to it & put it into a drawer: your body language expressing that I was the 1, not YOU, who was out of line. You're so childish & delusional. despite all evidence, you think you're perfect: typical human.
Years later, my ex was visiting me at your house, & you blamed Mike for your failed 2nd marriage. I really had to bite my tongue because I was there. YOU were responsible for the failure of that marriage: not him. He was a 13-year-old boy who was traumatized by your shit, you delusional liar.
When I was walking to your house (during daytime), 1 of your neighbors interrogated me while his fat ass was seated in his vehicle. he said, "we've had some burglaries. what are you doing here?" he obviously seems to think he has more rights than the police do when it comes to confronting people. You saw this, you attention whore, so you poked your fat ass out the front door. after you realized what the situation was, your neighbor interrogating your son because he was walking down the street, that didn't stop you from having a pleasant conversation with him, you piece of fucking shit.
You don't give a fuck about me: you never have. I'm just a mistake you made. You even literally called me a "mistake" when I was a kid when explaining how I came into this wretched existence. I've just been an obligation, a drag, a killjoy, because you were young, you were 19 when you got pregnant with me. Then dad left when I was 2, so there went your help, you had to raise me on your own, more reasons to resent my existence.
So, because of your actions, you had to work 2 jobs. And when you were done, you frequently went out, because you were a young slut. So this led to me spending a lot of time home alone: not so good for social development.
You got married for the second time to Ken. he moved in. then his son, Mike, moved it, & you really weren't happy about that. Even though he was only 13 (I was too), you treated him very unfairly. You were always mean to him: & Ken too. You physically attacked Ken several times. He had a lot of patience until 1 time he wrestled you to the ground after you attacked him. You screamed at me to call the police. I didn't, but you did. they came to the house & it was humiliating. One time, at dinner, you threw your iced tea at Ken, then you immediately refilled your glass & doused Mike, even though he wasn't a part of the argument. The whole time Mike was there, you behaved like a child having a tantrum. You even made him kneel next to the toilet so you could slam his head against it for leaving the seat up. Eventually, of course, they both left. You're a 2-time loser (divorcee). No wonder I've never "tied the knot."
You smacked my head because you thought I hadn't finished my homework, but I had, & I showed it to you. You cried, apologized, & hugged me. I was thinking, get the fuck off me.
Then I was molested by your Uncle Harry when I was a teen. You knew he liked to go to gay bars, but you made it easy for him. You let him sleep in the same bedroom as me. I woke to him kissing me on the mouth, fondling my crotch, & murmuring about "young flesh." when he saw I woke, he was terrified. he gestured toward the bedroom where you & grandma were sleeping and said, "shh!" at least he stopped molesting me. I didn't say anything about it until after he died. Your reaction was very disappointing. Seems like maybe you didn't believe me. Years later, I'm in your house, & I see a picture of Uncle Harry with his sisters. I confronted you about not only having a picture of a child molester on your bookcase, but the man who had molested YOUR OWN SON, & you waddled your fat ass over to it & put it into a drawer: your body language expressing that I was the 1, not YOU, who was out of line. You're so childish & delusional. despite all evidence, you think you're perfect: typical human.
Years later, my ex was visiting me at your house, & you blamed Mike for your failed 2nd marriage. I really had to bite my tongue because I was there. YOU were responsible for the failure of that marriage: not him. He was a 13-year-old boy who was traumatized by your shit, you delusional liar.
When I was walking to your house (during daytime), 1 of your neighbors interrogated me while his fat ass was seated in his vehicle. he said, "we've had some burglaries. what are you doing here?" he obviously seems to think he has more rights than the police do when it comes to confronting people. You saw this, you attention whore, so you poked your fat ass out the front door. after you realized what the situation was, your neighbor interrogating your son because he was walking down the street, that didn't stop you from having a pleasant conversation with him, you piece of fucking shit.
Friday, May 24, 2019
What a Fucking Day
Another shit day at work. Dealing with an old fool (I have to deal with plenty of them at work.), I got a little frustrated with him & raised my voice a little. He said, "Well, don't get sore about it!" But he wasn't done. The old fool has quite a temper. He did some more snapping at me, &, as he was leaving, I laughed at him. Then he got really pissed off. He called me a jerk. Since I was at work, I said, "It takes one to know one." Outside of work, I probably would have called him an asshole. He got in my fucking face: hilarious! The guy's like 30 years older than me. I could demolish him. I stepped back, & said, derisively, "get out of my face." He said, "fuck you," & so did I. I could get fired for that; I'm sure.
But that was nothing compared to what was waiting for me in the mailbox. The IRS sent me a bill for $664. Some DUMB ASS ignored the amount of NYS tax I paid that I wrote on the form & the stub from my employer & assumed I payed 0 state income tax for the whole year: UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! And today is the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, so this shit will be hanging over my head for 3 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS before I can call them. When it rains, it pours. If I can't convince them I don't owe that money, it will be DEVASTATING.
Also, my mother sent me a letter asking me to drive from here (Rochester, NY) to my grandma's apt (Queens, NYC) so I can spend a few days with the 2 of them. So fucking presumptuous. She's like, we'll do this, & we'll do that. I don't think so!
Everyday I'm being punished for not killing myself.
But that was nothing compared to what was waiting for me in the mailbox. The IRS sent me a bill for $664. Some DUMB ASS ignored the amount of NYS tax I paid that I wrote on the form & the stub from my employer & assumed I payed 0 state income tax for the whole year: UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! And today is the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, so this shit will be hanging over my head for 3 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS before I can call them. When it rains, it pours. If I can't convince them I don't owe that money, it will be DEVASTATING.
Also, my mother sent me a letter asking me to drive from here (Rochester, NY) to my grandma's apt (Queens, NYC) so I can spend a few days with the 2 of them. So fucking presumptuous. She's like, we'll do this, & we'll do that. I don't think so!
Everyday I'm being punished for not killing myself.
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Friday, March 22, 2019
Probably the End
I thought i'd heard the last from the woman I went on 2 dates with, then she messaged me again. I read this (from her) today:
"My attraction to someone develops through feeling a connection with them. I don't know yet if that will happen with you."
my reply:
i'm not someone who's driven by the pursuit of $, greed & selfishness. what people think about me, their judgements, it doesn't matter to me. I do my best to not support animal cruelty, & i've never gotten a woman pregnant. you may as well know sooner than later (she's procreated twice) that I think it's cruel for people to bring people or animals into a world that is so obviously cold, cruel, brutal, & dangerous. You seem intelligent, so I don't need to list all the problems with this world. the news does that everyday anyway. so i am proud of the way i've lived my life. I'm a merciful person who makes sacrifices everyday for the sake of animals. & if people don't appreciate me for who i am, then I'm not interested in them.
"My attraction to someone develops through feeling a connection with them. I don't know yet if that will happen with you."
my reply:
i'm not someone who's driven by the pursuit of $, greed & selfishness. what people think about me, their judgements, it doesn't matter to me. I do my best to not support animal cruelty, & i've never gotten a woman pregnant. you may as well know sooner than later (she's procreated twice) that I think it's cruel for people to bring people or animals into a world that is so obviously cold, cruel, brutal, & dangerous. You seem intelligent, so I don't need to list all the problems with this world. the news does that everyday anyway. so i am proud of the way i've lived my life. I'm a merciful person who makes sacrifices everyday for the sake of animals. & if people don't appreciate me for who i am, then I'm not interested in them.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Current Online Dating Profile
this is my current online dating profile:
"CAUTION: this was written by someone who's REAL. w/all the fakeness out there, it might be a shock to the system.
i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). if you think there's nothing wrong with supporting animal cruelty, if you never see yourself being a vegetarian or vegan, then i'm not interested in you.
If ya want to have kids, I ain't interested in ya either.
i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist.
i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind.
it's sad, but i find that women are more likely to judge me when it comes to how much of a loser i am as opposed to my morals & values, which i'm proud of
my experience is, if women are considering dating me, they will interrogate/judge me: fine. i will be brutally honest, because there's no point in wasting time, nor do i want to be w/someone who's obsessed w/$, status, because that's so typical."
"CAUTION: this was written by someone who's REAL. w/all the fakeness out there, it might be a shock to the system.
i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). if you think there's nothing wrong with supporting animal cruelty, if you never see yourself being a vegetarian or vegan, then i'm not interested in you.
If ya want to have kids, I ain't interested in ya either.
i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist.
i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind.
it's sad, but i find that women are more likely to judge me when it comes to how much of a loser i am as opposed to my morals & values, which i'm proud of
my experience is, if women are considering dating me, they will interrogate/judge me: fine. i will be brutally honest, because there's no point in wasting time, nor do i want to be w/someone who's obsessed w/$, status, because that's so typical."
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