No Escape

Even if I was able to get my depression under control, there would still be the pain to endure.  There is no escape from the pain.  It follows me everywhere.  What can I do?  Become addicted to opioids?
I've come up with some plans.  One of them is to prepare for a cross-country trip.  I haven't seen much of America; I've never been to Chicago, for instance.  I'd need a laptop and an IPod.  I'd put much of my music onto the IPod, so I can bring it with me on the trip.  The laptop would be for looking up directions, finding vegan restaurants, etc.  Most importantly, I'd bring a rope, which I already have.  When the money ran out, or I was just ready, I'd hang myself.  Perhaps I'll plan a trip with a final destination of Alaska.  I want to see it.  Maybe I'll hang myself from a tree in the middle of nowhere there. 
Or I could just quit my job and stay home.  And when the money ran out, or I was ready, I'd have at least a couple of choices.  As I've mentioned before, if I can just drink some antifreeze, then that could spur me to jump off a nearby bridge or hang myself.  And once I started drinking antifreeze, I could "treat" myself.  I could, for the first time since 2002, allow myself to purchase non-vegan (vegetarian) foods: like Reese's peanut butter cups, my favorite candy.  I could also allow myself to drink again, which would add to the depression, and, quite possibly speed up the suicidal process, because I'm sure that life is shit and not worth living.