Bumpkin Apologized

Go ahead and take a break; you earned it.

She's a little rough around the edges, she has the necessary power to fiercely battle all the world's militaries simultaneously, but she's a real sweetheart.  She apologized for hitting me in the backside with one of her fireballs, which always emanate from her left front paw. 
"I'm sorry I hit you in the butt with a fireball," she said.
"Oh, Mistress Bumpkin, thank you so much.  That means so much to me," I replied with teary eyes.  It really did.  I love it when she's not mad at me; when I don't really have to worry about being deep-sixed by a groundhog.
She stood on her hind paws.  "Give me a hug," she said.
"Gladly, Madame Bumpkin, gladly," I replied.  We hugged.  It was great.  "You know I love you, Lady Bumpkin."
"I know you do," she replied.
"And I want to be with you for as long as I can."
"I know."
"Whatever I need to do to prove my worth to you; I will do."
"You'll try; I don't know if you'll succeed."
I got down on one knee in front of Bumpkin.  "Ms. Bumpkin, I hereby pledge my everlasting loyalty to you: now and forever."
"What is this crapola?"
"I'll always be on your side.  We'll always be each other's firsts.  You're my first groundhog friend, and I'm your first human friend."
"You're my only human friend.  I won't be making any more human friends; especially since I'll be slaughtering millions of them every darn day come spring."
"It will be a bloody spring indeed.  Please remember, as I've said before, friends don't kill friends."
"Don't you try to tell me who I shouldn't kill!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am."
"If you don't want me to kill you, then you should be begging me for opportunities to practice your marvelous groundhog massage technique on my body."
"Yes!  Thanks for reminding me!  Would you like a massage right now, Princess Bumpkin?"
"No, I mentioned it because I don't want a massage." 
I began to rub her little shoulders.  "I know when you're being sarcastic.  Just relax and enjoy the ride."

Bumpkin!

Peek-a-boo!  I see you!

I can't believe it!  The inevitable finally happened.  Bumpkin hit me in the ass with a fireball!  She ruined a perfectly good pair of jeans in the process.  At least it wasn't one of her lethals, she just wanted to make a point I guess.  To remind me that she merely tolerates me, and she could take me out anytime, and she can.
By the way, Bumpkin has given up completely on her clone, who looks just like her but has none of the special abilities and superpowers that Bumpkin has.  Bumpkin has kicked her out of my apartment; she must hibernate in the family hole: like a normal groundhog.  This is a good thing; it was crowded enough in here with me and 3 groundhogs.  I'm worried that she'll keep cloning herself until she gets the result she wants though.
Back to the butt burning though.  I must admit that I can be a surly sort.  It's part of the reason why I choose to live alone (I didn't ask Bumpkin and her sisters, Lucinda and Sloopy, to spend the winter hibernating in my apartment; Bumpkin made that decision for me.).  I need to have a place where I can get away and be alone: my home.  I came home from work one day, and I wasn't a happy camper; it was just one of those days (Don't take it personal.).  I walked down the hallway to the bathroom.  I turned my head, glanced into the bedroom, and saw it: groundhog poop.  One of my roomies had missed the kitty litter box by a few inches.  When I first moved in to this apartment, I was glad to have wall-to-wall carpeting.  I've since reconsidered.  Whoever made the choice to install light-colored carpeting into these apartments is a real pain in my ass (No pun intended.).  I wipe my feet so thoroughly before I enter my unit; it makes me feel like more of a nutcase than I usually do.  It doesn't matter; when you have light-colored carpeting, stains will come out of the woodwork.  If I ever buy carpeting, it will either be dark brown or black.  Black is an especially good choice because it is a combination of all the colors.  Therefore, theoretically, whatever you drop onto it will be absorbed by the blackness of it.
So I see groundhog poop on the carpet, and I see red.  I knew Bumpkin didn't do it, because she taught herself to use the toilet shortly after moving in to my unit.  Sometimes she forgets to clean her fur off the toilet seat, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.  Even though I know Bumpkin can be very protective of her sisters, I couldn't help it.
"Who pooped on the carpet?!" I yelled.  Then I felt it: the fireball hitting my backside.  Whoo!  It burned.  I ran into the bathroom, turned on the cold water, and splashed it all over my butt.  I took off the pants; they were toast.  There was just a little hole burned into my skivvies: no need to trash them.  That was enough of a warning for me.  I dropped the issue entirely.  And Bumpkin, to her credit, levitated the errant poop, and tossed it out of a window.  She even cleaned the stain.   Though I never found out who missed the kitty litter box; I suppose it doesn't matter.
         

Bumpkin Got Drunk

This is Gracie: one of our beloved neighbors.

I came home from work and immediately went to the fridge to get a beer.  It had been that sort of a day.  I knew I had 6 of them in there, but now there were none.  There was only one explanation: Bumpkin.  I marched straight to my bedroom, which has been taken over by 3 groundhogs: Bumpkin and her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda.  Sure enough, once again, they were watching Groundhog Day.  Well, only Bumpkin was watching it this time.  Sloopy and Lucinda were fast asleep among the empty beer cans.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She used her superpowers to lift the can, which was too large to be held by her paws, to her lips.  She took a sip.  Then she saw me.
"What is this stuff?  It's good." she said to me.
"It's beer, Bumpkin.  And I was hoping I'd be able to have some.  Now I'll have to go out and get some more if I want to have any."
"We do need more of it.  I feel like going for a ride anyway."
So we walked to my car, I opened the door for her, and she hopped in.  We were off to the store.  It didn't take us long to get there.
"I'll be right back," I said to her before going inside to purchase more beer.
"I'm going with," she replied.
Great.  I'm trying to maintain a low profile, because I'm with Bumpkin, who is planning to start a war (groundhogs vs. humans) for control of the world, and now I must walk into a supermarket with her.
"OK, Bumpkin.  But please don't kill anyone."
"If anyone disrespects me, or my sisters, there will be blood."
"But Bumpkin, it's bad enough when you're sober.  You've been drinking.  Alcohol impairs one's abilities."
"Not mine," she replied.  "Watch this."  She stood on her hind legs in the parking lot and promptly flung one of her fireballs of destruction from her left front paw at a flying seagull.  It was close, but she missed the bird.  Bumpkin was so confident in her abilities that she didn't even look to see if the fireball found its target.  "See?"
"Ah, Bumpkin, you missed."
"What?!"  She looked at the bird, who was still soaring.  "Holy crap!  I never miss!"  She fired another fireball.  This time, it hit the seagull, who burst into flames.  The poor thing continued to fly for as long as she could before crashing and burning.  "That beer must have made me miss.  This beer is no good!  Take me to it!"
"Now, Bumpkin, take it easy.   Please don't start any trouble."
"Just take me to the darn beer!"
"Yes, ma'am."  I can't argue with her when she's like this.  I took her to the beer section.  'This is it," I said to her.
She looked around a little before firing several fireballs at the store's beer stock.  People screamed and ran when they heard the explosions and saw the flames.  Cans of beer were exploding.  Bottles of beer were shattering.  She didn't stop until all the beer had been destroyed.
"You did it, Bumpkin.  You destroyed all of it," I said.
"Yeah, in this store.  Now let's go to the next one."
"Bumpkin, you can't destroy all the beer!  There's too much of it, and it's all over the place.  And that's not the only kind of alcohol either.  There's wine and liquor too."  Then it hit me: an idea.  "You want to take control of the world, right?"
"You know I will."
"Well, then, let the humans drink alcohol and impair their abilities and their health.  This will make them easier to defeat."
"You made a pretty good point: for a human."
So we went home and I never got to drink any beer that day. 

Bumpkin Did It

She did it again; she destroyed stuff.

Once I stepped into my apartment, I knew something was wrong.  It was way too cold.  I immediately went to my, or, perhaps I should say, the bedroom of my 3 groundhogian guests: Sloopy, Lucinda, and, of course, Bumpkin, who has superpowers that were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld.  I looked inside the bedroom and soon noticed the source of my home's extreme frigidity: the window had been busted.  It looked like something went right through the window and the screen.  Not surprisingly, the screen was bent outward, leaving me to believe that the source of the damage had come from within and most likely; it was Bumpkin.  Also not surprisingly, the sisters were watching Groundhog Day (again!).
"And just what the heck happened to that window?"
"You better not be talking to me like that," said Bumpkin.  "I'd hate to see you end up like that freaking window!"
"No, Mistress Bumpkin, I was talking to Sloopy and Lucinda.  If you're offended again, then please allow me to apologize to you again."
"You sure got a smart mouth, mister.  I'd hate to launch a fireball at it from my left front paw."
"Is that what happened to the window?  Was it one of your fireballs?"
"Of course."
"Why, pray tell, did you destroy the window and the screen with a fireball?"
"There was a bird outside who was making so much noise.  I warned him telepathically to quit it or go away, but he, for whatever reason, did not heed my warning.  The next logical step, everyone can agree, is to immediately fling a fireball of destruction from your left paw at the offender."
"Did you get him?"
"But of course.  He's really just a piece of toast at this point."
"OK, Madame Bumpkin, but, in the future, could you please open the window and the screen if you must launch a fireball?  And I'd appreciate it very much if you could try to limit your fireball deployment as much as possible.  It could bring unwanted attention to this apartment."
"Let them come!  I am ready.  Maybe that's how the last great war, that of the humans vs. the groundhogs, will come to pass.  They'll come after us, and we'll, well, I don't know about "we'll."  I won't get much help physically at all.  The average groundhog wouldn't do very well in combat against the average human.  It's looking like I'll have to do all the fighting for my side.  Sloopy and Lucinda will provide moral support.  They will keep my spirits up.  They'll remind me that I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm also doing it for all the world's groundhogs.  We will rule this planet!" 
"That's great Miss Bumpkin, but we need to do something about this window.  It's freezing in here!"
"No it isn't.  It's comfy."
"For you and your sisters maybe.  You're all covered in fur!  What about me?  I'm bald!  Please fix it Ms. Bumpkin." 
"OK, just a sec."  The damaged screen and window were immediately jettisoned from the building.  They were completely incinerated by one of Bumpkin''s fireballs before they could hit the ground.  Then a window and screen from the apartment directly across the way from ours detached from that unit and flew over to replace ours.
"Thanks, Bumpkin.  But that wasn't very neighborly."
"I told you.  I don't care about things like being neighborly.  I welcome any and all humans to challenge me in a duel to the death.  Groundhogs have been under the thumb of humans for far too long.  Here is as good a place as any for the revolution to begin.  Viva Las Marmotas!"    

Bumpkin Bumpkin

Bumpkin's on the D.L.

Bumpkin has really done it this time.  While I was at work, She cloned herself!  This is how I found out; "Hi Mistress Bumpkin.  How was your day?"
"OK,  I cloned myself."
"Gad-zoinks!"
"What the heck is gad-zoinks?"
"It's nothing.  I was so shocked that the only thing that could come out of my mouth initially was nonsense.  It's not a word.  What the freak happened?"
"Hey!  I don't know how many times I've told you, but don't you ever take an attitude with me!  You've seen what I can do after all!"
That threat got my attention.  I've seen her slaughter other animals and people mostly using her superpowers, which were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld, and her razor-sharp claws.  She's a groundhog, but she quite possibly is the deadliest sentient being this Earth has ever seen: even more than Michael Myers or Stalin.
"Sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"Nice try."
"Excuse me, my mistress?"
"You'd better watch it.  I'm onto your methods.  Whenever I'm mad at you, you try to plant a dance song into my head, so I'll play it and dance to it and forget about being mad at you.  In this case it's "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory, is it not?"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am.  But what about this clone of yours?  Please tell me more, madame.
"She's a perfect clone if you leave out the part about her having none of my superpowers."
"Wow."
"Yes, wow indeed.  But it's really sucky.  I've been trying to teach her stuff, but she's not catching on very well at all.  I'm losing patience."
"Please don't lose your patience, ma'am.  Bad things happen when you lose your patience."
"You think I don't know that, tampon bag?"
I laughed.
"What the heck is so funny mister?!"
"I'm sorry Miss Bumpkin, but I think the insult you're looking for might be douche bag: not tampon bag!"
"You're such an idiot!  I said tampon bag on purpose because I'm always keeping things fresh: not stale.  I tweaked it for her pleasure.  That's what she said.  Give me a freaking break, I'm on a roll!"
"Once again, I'm sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  You're always at least a step ahead of the rest of us."
"If there are other people as dumb as you, then it's a lot more than one step ahead; that's for sure!"
"Touche, madame Bumpkina."
"What is this Bumpkina?  Foolish is the fool that mocks me or my sisters."
"I'm not mocking you, ma'am: I never would.  I just changed your name around a little bit: just for funsies."
"OMG, you are such a freaking geek!"

Bumpkin's Favorite Movies

This photo accurately shows what Bumpkin's butt looked like in the recent past.

Ladies, gentlemen, and groundhogs, Mistress Bumpkin, for your pleasure, and hers, has compiled a list of her very most favorite movies to peruse. They are Groundhog Day, The Godfather, Jaws, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Raging Bull, The Aviator (2004), Halloween (1978), The Omen (1976), Dawn of the Dead (1978 & 2004, but she likes the 1978 version better), 28 Days Later, Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, A Clockwork Orange, Dead Alive, Joe Versus the Volcano, Big, The Best of Times, The Shining (1980), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, The Straight Story, Courage Under Fire, Affliction, Box of Moonlight, Raising Arizona, Miller's Crossing, Fargo, Office Space, Manhattan, Bananas, Sleeper, Love and Death, Bullets Over Broadway, Play It Again Sam, Casino Royale (2006), Predator, Raw Deal, The Terminator, Commando, Die Hard, Drugstore Cowboy, Barfly, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, The Road Warrior, Road House, Pootie Tang, Godfather Part II, Crash (1996), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Witness, The Fugitive, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Seven, American Beauty, Glengarry Glen Ross, Sin City, Welcome to the Doll House, Happiness, Goodfellas, Spider-Man (2002), Frailty, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Barry Lyndon, Taxi Driver, The Train (1965), Kiss of Death (1995), Scarface (1983), Pink Floyd-The Wall, Blow Out (1981), Runaway Train, Wall Street, U Turn, Any Given Sunday, JFK, Infernal Affairs, Fulltime Killer, Avalon (1990), Psycho (1960), North by Northwest, Meet the Parents, Along Came Polly, Wedding Crashers, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Club Dread, You, Me, and Dupree, There's Something About Mary, Bound, The Matrix, Apocalypto, Braveheart, This Boy's Life, Passion of the Christ, North Face, Carrie (1976), Zoolander, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Caddyshack, Star Wars: Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith, The Jerk, The Last Waltz, Night of the Living Dead, Zombieland, The Social Network, The Dark Knight, Batman and Robin, Batman Forever, Batman, Batman Returns, Blade, Daredevil, Donnie Darko, Return of the Dragon, Game of Death, Shaolin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle, Spun, Manhunter, Heat, Minority Report, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Deliverance, Midnight Cowboy, Fido, Planet of the Apes (1968), Rosemary's Baby, Clear and Present Danger, The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Das Boot, The Perfect Storm, King Kong (2005), Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Aliens, The Assassination of Richard Nixon, The Prestige, and Tin Cup.
These are her favorite TV shows: Hill Street Blues, 30 Rock, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Reno 911, NBC Nightly News, Get a Life, Three's Company, The Brady Bunch, Chips, Justified, Cops, Jail, Dateline, 20/20, 60 Minutes, Dog the Bounty Hunter, The Soup, Gangland, Talk Soup, and To Catch a Predator.
She and I have a lot in common.

Bumpkin's Favorite Actors

Bumpkin plays favorites.

As I feared she would, Bumpkin has forced me to order digital cable.  She made me join Netflix too.  At least she's paying for it.  All she needs to do is use her superpowers to extract money from wallets and purses of my neighbors or people passing by.  Then the money floats toward my apartment building, and ultimately slips under my front door.  It's easy as pie for her to do that. 
Bumpkin has really been catching up on many of the movies and TV shows she missed before she became aware of the boob tube.  As she hibernates/plans to take over the world from humans, she watches plenty of TV.  She likes a lot of actors: Daniel Day-Lewis, Robert De Niro, Robert Duvall, Mickey Rourke, Billy Bob Thornton, Sam Rockwell, Walton Goggins, Timothy Olyphant, Jeremy Davies, Alec Baldwin, Sean Penn, Kal Penn, Ryan Reynolds, Simon Pegg, James Woods, Dennis Quaid, Denzel Washington, Matt Dillon, Martin Short, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, Nicolas Cage, Tom Hanks, Russel Crowe, Robert Downey Jr., Kirk Douglas, Steve McQueen, Mel Gibson, Jason Statham, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Kevin Costner, Patrick Swayze, Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Gary Oldman, James Franco, Willem Dafoe, Tom Berenger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Jason Alexander, Daniel J. Travanti, Dennis Franz, Michael Conrad, Bruce Weitz, James Sikking, Charles Haid, Michael Warren, Taurean Blacque, Kiel Martin, Rene Enriquez, Ken Olin, Jeffrey Tambor, Al Pacino, John Cusack, Ryan Phillippe, Jude Law, Justin Long, Michael Keaton, Woody Allen, Woody Harrelson, Adam West, William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Leonardo Dicaprio, Alec Guinness, Andy Lau, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Aidan Quinn, Anthony Quinn, Gabriel Byrne, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gene Hackman, Bruce Campbell, Bruce Lee, Bill Paxton, Roy Scheider, C. Thomas Howell, John Ritter, Clint Eastwood, Lee Majors, Jim Carrey, Alan Alda, Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci, Mr. T, Nick Nolte, James Coburn, Burgess Meredith, John Lithgow, Anthony Perkins, Paul Newman, Eric Roberts, and David Caruso.
She likes actors based on acting ability, funniness, and charisma.  When it comes to actresses, she likes very talented ones (Meryl Streep, Faye Dunaway), ones that are talented and especially pretty (Angela Bassett, Reese Witherspoon, Veronica Hamel), ones that are funny and very pretty (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, Jennifer Aniston), but mostly ones that are "cute" (Elizabeth Banks, Eva Mendes, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Garner, Sandra Bullock, Alicia Silverstone, Alyson Hannigan, Amy Adams, Suzanne Somers, Alicia Witt, Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Ashley Judd).
Amazing.  I agree with all of the above!

Bumpkin Loves Metal

The only groundhog metal fan I know of: Bumpkin.

Ever since I played a CD in my home, while Bumpkin was present, she has been a huge fan of music.  She likes many of the same sorts of music I do.  She's a very open-minded music fan who wants to make up for all the lost time: when she was blissfully unaware of the virtues of music.  I'm a nut about my CDs.  I love them, so I handle them very carefully.  I only handle them with clean hands.  People have asked to borrow my CDs, I have a lot of them at this point, and I always wince: whether outwardly, inwardly, or both.  After all, I've taken out plenty of DVDs from the library, and I've seen how badly the discs get all scratched up by people who obviously don't handle discs as carefully as I do.  That's not a problem with Bumpkin though.  She has played many of my CDs, but she has not touched any of them with any part of her body.  She simply uses her superpowers to open the closet doors, slide out the drawers, levitate the selected discs, and put them into and out of the CD player.
It's only natural that Bumpkin likes a lot of what I do.  She's hears my stuff, she's a very recent and very enthusiastic fan of music, so she likes almost everything: including "Call Me Maybe."  I'm not sure if it's called that, but that's in the chorus: big hit.  Sloopy and Lucinda like it too.  I have to admit I like any song that gets all 3 of my groundhog house guests onto the dance floor.  Lucinda can really shake that big butt of hers.
"I like a lot of different sorts of music," said Bumpkin, "but metal is clearly the most superior kind of music I've ever heard.  The energy, the power, and the glory add up to something that other types of music can't compete with.  My favorite band is Kreator; they are off the hook!" 
So far, Bumpkin likes Deep Purple, Prince, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, The Who, Solitude Aeturnus, Tad Morose, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Mercenary, Rage, Rage Against the Machine, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Neil Young, Asia, Samson, Bruce Dickinson, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Hornsby, The Grateful Dead, Helloween, Soilwork, In Flames, Arch Enemy, Mercyful Fate, Overkill, Hirax, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Sarah McLachlan, Heart, The Police, Sting, Queensryche, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, Fates Warning, Metal Church, Colbie Caillat, 3 Inches of Blood, Hall & Oates, George Michael, George Thorogood, The Allman Brothers Band, No Doubt, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Foreigner, Journey, Kenny Loggins, Yes, ELO, Kansas, Boston, The Scorpions, Culture Club, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Robert Cray, BB King, Derek and the Dominos, Cream, Tribuzy, Sepultura, Vader, Thin Lizzy, Armored Saint, Carcass, Entombed, Phil Collins, Genesis, Down, Pantera, The Dixie Chicks, T'Pau, Bad Company, Styx, Annihilator, Exodus, Fleetwood Mac, Blondie, Talking Heads, New Order, Creed, Harem Scarem, Riot, Budgie, The Fray, Snow Patrol, The White Stripes, The Black Keys, The Shins, Wilco, UFO, The Cult, Coldplay, Keane, The Pixies, Helmet, System of a Down, Mastodon, Soundgarden, Blue Oyster Cult, The Band, Robbie Robertson, Switchfoot, Paramore, Immortal, Spineshank, Bloodbath, Nevermore, Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters, Pet Shop Boys, Roxette, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Queen, R.E.M., Acid Bath, Today Is the Day, MGMT, U2, Soul Asylum, Dark Tranquillity, Candlemass, The Killers, Duran Duran, Dio, Judas Priest, Cryptopsy, Vehemence, Rainbow, Rush, Nirvana, The Cranberries, Lamb of God, King Diamond, Suicidal Tendencies, Willie Nelson, 10,000 Maniacs, Jane's Addiction, White Zombie, Venom, The Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, Savatage, Alice Cooper, Kiss, Ratt, .38 Special, Saxon, Dream Theater, P.O.D., Into Eternity, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, CCR, John Mayer, Pavement, Social Distortion, Alice in Chains, sHeavy, The Smithereens, Pestilence, Oasis, Vampire Weekend, Peter Gabriel, Death, Lacuna Coil, Fozzy, Collective Soul, 2pac, Eminem, Jay-Z, Boyz II Men, Tevin Campbell, Marvin Gaye, Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Buckcherry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, ABBA, Aerosmith, Sammy Hagar, Dokken, and Kix.
I think Bumpkin has great taste in music.

I Love My Roomies

The groundhog boys hate to say goodbye to her, but they don't mind watching her walk away.

I've thought long and hard about getting a pet.  I love all animals, and I'm very much aware that many dogs and cats are languishing in shelters.  They all deserve good homes and happy lives.  Unfortunately, I'm allergic to dogs and cats.  Although my cat allergy doesn't seem to be as severe as it used to be.  There are several reasons why I have decided to not get a pet.  First of all, they are not allowed in the apartment I'm currently living in.  Also, I want to be free to do what I want, when I want, without feeling guilty that I'm not giving my pet enough attention.  If I was in a very stable relationship with a woman who also wanted a pet, then it might work out.  If I'm not currently giving the pet attention, then perhaps she will be and vice versa.  Another problem is dealing with the death of a pet.  I've lived with a dog before, and he was like a son to me.  If I were to adopt a dog, and live with he or she for several years, it would devastate me when he or she died.  Or, I could die first, which could send his or her life into turmoil.
Bumpkin, however, has forced 3 pets into my apartment: her 2 sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy) and herself.  The best thing about living with 3 groundhogs is being exposed to their cuteness; the worst thing about it is having to watch the movie Groundhog Day 127 times (so far).  It really is time to buy another TV.  At first I was really concerned about the situation.  When I lived with a dog, I was also living with a woman, and both of us shared the responsibilities of taking care of him.  I had never taken care of 1 pet by myself: let alone 3 of them.  Things got out of control pretty quickly.  Then I remembered Bumpkin's superpowers.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.
"Yes, human.  What is it this time?" she asked.
"I'm not used to living with 3 groundhogs.  There are certain cleanliness issues that have arisen."
"Get to the point.  I don't have all day to listen to your inane ramblings.  I'm plotting my world takeover."
"Of course.  And, please, allow me to say that it is an honor to be spending the winter here with you and your sisters.  Could you possibly, if it isn't too much trouble-"
"Will you freaking say what you want to say already?!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry ma'am.  Could you please use your powers to help me clean the apartment?"
"But of course."  As soon as she said that, 1 of the windows opened.  The cat box, that the sisters use as their restroom, levitated and flew out the window.  It turned upside down.  Before the tainted kitty litter could hit the ground, it was completely incinerated by a fireball that emanated from Bumpkin's left front paw.  Then the litter box returned to the bedroom and the window closed.  The cord for the vacuum cleaner became uncoiled, plugged itself in, and Bumpkin used her powers to vacuum the entire apartment.  The dirty dishes were next.  Bumpkin washed all of them without touching any of them with her paws.
"Satisfactory?" she asked me.
"Absolutely.  Thank you very much, Miss Bumpkin."
"So you don't mind if I return to my plans for world domination?"
"I certainly don't, Miss Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"That sounds familiar.  It's in a song, right/"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Is it 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)' by C & C Music Factory?
"Right again, Miss Bumpkin."
"I like that song.  Play it now."
"Yes, ma'am.  Excellent choice."  And so I did play that song.  And all of us danced together: 3 female groundhogs and myself.  I'm a lucky boy.

Bumpkin on Film

I miss you, Sheila.  Come back if you can.

The 3 groundhog sisters, who are hibernating this winter in my apartment, and I were watching The Matrix on TV.
"Hooey.  I can do anything that dumb human can.  He isn't the one; I am the real one!  What could he do against me?  I bring deadly accurate various-sized fireballs to the table.  I could incinerate him completely before he even knew I didn't like him.  I'm ready too by the way," said Bumpkin.
"What exactly are you ready for Miss Bumpkin?" I asked.
"To take complete control of the Earth from the rule of the humans."
"Wow.  That's pretty good ma'am."
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"No, of course I believe you ma'am, I've seen what you can do.  You're more powerful than Yoda."
"Damn straight," Bumpkin replied.  "Once again, even with Yoda, it could be over as soon as it started.  I could dispatch him with claws, fireballs, or a little of both; it would be my choice."
"That's right ma'am."
"And you don't be condescending to me--"
"Sorry, ma'am--"
"Shut up."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Shut up already!  Don't you know what that means?  Wait!  Don't answer that!  Just literally shut up, you jerk!  And I want to watch Groundhog Day after this!"   As soon as Lucinda and Sloopy heard her say that, they squealed with delight.  The sisters love that movie so much because groundhogs are mentioned several times in the film, and, their personal favorite actor (all 3 of them), Bill Murray, is in it.  Also, at least one groundhog appears in the film, and it's funny.  I've lost track of how many times they've watched it.  I once saw an episode of Cribs in which a rapper had out-Scarfaced quite possibly all or most of the other over-zealous Scarface fans.  Not only did he proudly display Scarface posters and the like, he had set up a TV to play Scarface on a continuous loop: over and over again till forever.  That's what it feels like is happening here.  If not for shows like The Office, 30 Rock, CSI, and ones that involve food (any and all), it could get close to that insane Scarface nonsense.

Hibernation

Bumpkin's Butt

Groundhogs hibernate, and this winter, 3 of them are hibernating in my apartment: Sloopy, Lucinda, and Bumpkin.  Hopefully, it will only be a winter thing.  However, once one has lived indoors, living outdoors presumably loses some of its charm.  Thankfully, groundhogs are small.  I only have 1 bedroom.  I'm glad I bought that futon.  All 3 sisters fit quite comfortably on it.  I'll probably have to buy another TV.  All of us like to watch 30 Rock and The Office, but we don't agree on everything.  Bumpkin likes to watch CSI, Sloopy's favorite show is Dancing with the Stars, and all of them like any show that features food and how to cook or prepare it: especially Lucinda.  I hope that Bumpkin doesn't find out about cable while she's staying here.  I don't have cable.  If she becomes aware of it, I suppose she'll force me to order it, and then I can probably look forward to hours of Food Network channel watching everyday.  I don't like to watch the Food Network.  There is enough temptation out there.  Delicious food is advertised on TV, on the radio, and in magazines.  It might be mentioned in a book you're reading or by a friend at any time.  Intentionally watching scrumptious food on TV is a bad idea in my opinion.  You're liable to make yourself hungry even when you really aren't. 
I'm doing enough shopping and cooking as it is.  The sisters want to try every vegetarian dish they see prepared on TV.  Bumpkin, since she's the only one of the sisters who can write, is always adding foods to the shopping list.  She's also constantly jotting down recipes for me to try.
Groundhog poop has been a problem; as I expected it would.  They were pooping everywhere but the futon.  I doubt I'll get any of my security deposit back when I eventually move.  Although, Bumpkin could help me get every penny of it if she wanted to do so.  After cleaning poop off the carpet many times, I bought some kitty litter and a litter box.  I explained, to Bumpkin, the purpose of these items.  Fortunately, she was receptive to the idea, and she showed her sisters, through example, how to use the litter box.  So things have definitely improved.  But they just eat more and more.  And, obviously, the more they eat, the more they'll poop.  I've never had a cat before.  I'm not used to changing a litter box 8 times a day.  It seems like it's only going to get worse.  
What will happen when they become groundhog adolescents?  Are they going to have several groundhog boys over?  Are they going to have sleepovers with their friends?  What if Bumpkin learns how to use my computer?  Will she be meeting groundhogs on Craigslist?  Will she spend so much time chatting that I'll never get to use my own computer anymore?  Why, oh why, did I cause all of this by naming Bumpkin Bumpkin and subsequently allow the dark netherworld to bestow her superpowers upon her?