Snow!

Winter wonderland

Nemo dumped a lot of snow on Rochester over the past couple of days.  It's a winter wonderland!  Even better, my guests have never seen snow before.  Bumpkin used her superpowers to levitate herself, so she could look out the window at the falling snow.  Lucinda looked at me and made lots of whiny noises. 
"What does she want, Bumpkin?"
"She wants you to pick her up so she can look out the window."
"It would be my pleasure."  I bent down to pick her up, and she opened her front legs wide with anticipation.  I picked her up and held her close to me.  Lucinda looked out the window and squealed with delight.  I felt something tugging at my left pajama pants' leg.  I looked down and saw Sloopy looking at me with her front legs open wide.
"Bumpkin, I think Sloopy wants to look out of the window too.  Could you give her a boost?"
"But of course."  Just like that, Bumpkin used her powers to levitate Sloopy so she could see the snow.  Sloopy squealed delightedly.
"That's enough looking.  Let's go outside!"  Bumpkin said.  That led to the loudest squeals I ever heard Sloopy and Lucinda emit.  I began to get bundled up for the cold weather.
"I don't have any clothes that would fit you guys, but I do have some extra hats.  You're welcome to wear them."
"We will wear the hats," said Bumpkin.  I got them out and tossed them onto the floor.  Bumpkin chose a black knit hat, Sloopy selected a blue one, and Lucinda grabbed a multi-colored hat.  They put them on.  They looked so cute, but their heads are so much smaller than mine.  The hats covered their entire heads and then some.  Lucinda and Sloopy began to whine, because they couldn't see.  Bumpkin immediately used her powers to make holes in the hats for their eyes and mouths.  Lucinda and Sloopy cheered. 
"Let's go!" said Bumpkin.  I opened the door for them, and my groundhog friends exited the apartment.  It was beautiful outside.  All 3 sisters began to run around in the snow.  I made a snowball and tossed it playfully at Lucinda.  I missed.
"Hey!  What the freak do you think you're doing, buster?  I would think you'd know better by now than to attack one of my sisters!"
"Whoa!  Hold on a second, Bumpkin!  Before you eradicate me with one of your fireballs of destruction, please let me say something."
"I'm listening.  This better be good, buster."
"Sometimes, when it snows, friends throw snowballs at each other.  It's just for fun; it's not attacking."
"OK.  I forgive you."
"Thank you, Miss Bumpkin."  I noticed that many snowballs were rising out of the snow on the ground.  I had a feeling about what was going to happen next.  Sure enough, I was pelted with over 100 snowballs at once.  I was knocked down immediately.  They continued to hit me while I was down.  It was like an avalanche.  I soon was completely covered with snow.  I couldn't breathe.  My life flashed before my eyes. 
When I came to, I was in my bed. 
"Sleeping beauty has awoken," said Bumpkin.  "Here, have some of this."  A mug floated toward me and I grabbed the handle.  The aroma emanating from it was quite familiar to me: hot chocolate.  I took a sip.
"Delicious cocoa, Bumpkin.  Thank you."
"It's the least I could do.  I killed you: by accident.  No harm done though.  Obviously, I brought you back to life."
"Wow.  Thanks for bringing me back to life Bumpkin."
"What are friends for?"

It's Freaking Groundhog Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

"Bumpkin," I said.  "Do you know what today is?"
"If you don't know what day it is, then  look at your freaking calendar.  Don't bother me with these stupid questions," she replied.
"It's Groundhog Day!" I said.
"I know that, dummy."
"Of course you did.  I should have known."
"By the way, how would you like to meet Punxsutawney Phil?"
"It would be my pleasure."
"Yo Phil!"
To my surprise, a groundhog, that wasn't Lucinda or Sloopy (Bumpkin's sisters) walked out of the bedroom that used to be mine.
"This is Punxsutawney Phil?"
"Of course.  I pulled the old switcharoo on those jerks.  Groundhogs must be free.  Any human that's holding a groundhog captive will have to answer to me."
"How did you do it?"
"Remember my clone?"
"Of course."
"After much careful observation, I came to the conclusion that my clone, in addition to having none of my superpowers, also has no feelings.  She isn't really real.  Phil is totally real though.  Also, Lucinda has a crush on him: big time.  Last night, I flew to Punxsutawney and made the switch."
"Brilliant, Miss B, simply brilliant."
"You might want to watch the ceremony this year."
"Uh-oh.  What have you done, Bumpkin?"
"You'll see."
I went into the bedroom, where Sloopy and Lucinda were watching, appropriately, Groundhog Day on the TV.  "I'm just going to stop this right here, and you can watch the rest of it later."  I picked up the remote and stopped the DVD.  Sloopy and Lucinda started making all these whiny noises.
"It's OK, Sloopy and Lucinda.  You can watch the rest later.  I just want to watch something.  Don't you want to see a real Groundhog Day ceremony?"
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.  Bumpkin really has taught them many English words.  I changed the channel, and there it was.  The guy in the top hat grabbed Bumpkin's clone and held her up in the air.  He had a big smile on his face, and he was going into his little spiel when a massive explosion disrupted the proceedings in a major way.
"Holy crap!" I exclaimed.  When the smoke cleared, it was obvious that everyone at the scene must have been blown to bits.  "Bumpkin!  How did you do that?"
"I left a giant fireball there: underground.  I programmed it to go off exactly when I wanted it to."
"But you killed your clone!  Not to mention all those people."
"Dummy, I just told you; she had no feelings.  She wasn't real.  I made her, so I can destroy her."
"I guess so."
"As for the people, they got what they deserved!  Do you know how scary it is for a regular groundhog to be among all those humans?  And how dare they keep a groundhog captive like that!  I've got a good mind to wipe Punxsutawney off the freaking map!  In fact, I think I will."  One of the windows in my apartment opened and Bumpkin flung a fireball out of it.  Once it was outside, it expanded.  The fireball, now gigantic, took off, presumably for Punxsutawney.  It didn't take long to get there.
"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news.  Punxsutawney, PA has been completely destroyed by a massive explosion.  And out of all the days it could have happened, it happened on Groundhog Day.  Officials are not yet sure if there is a connection."
Oh, there's a connection all right.  

Bumpkin's Plan

A young Bumpkin grazing with her mommy: Sheila

It's a devious plan indeed.  It's diabolical.  The casualties will be enormous; many people will die when Bumpkin finally makes her move to wrest control of the world from the humans.
"I'll attack Canada first," declared Bumpkin.  "That place is so freaking cold that I'll be doing them a favor by putting them out of their misery.  That place is fit for neither groundhog nor beastie.  Who says I don't have a heart?"
"That's nice of you, Bumpkin.  It is a God-forsaken land during winter.  You might want to toast Minnesota and Maine with your fireballs for the same reasons; it can get really cold in those states."
"Don't try to tell me what to do!  I know all about that anyway, buster!  I watch the weather channel."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  You're right.  It's your war: not mine."
"Darn right, mister!  It's my war!  And I suggest you try to remain on the right side of it."
"Yes, ma'am.  I know you will kill as many humans as you need to in order to win.  And killing people is as easy as pie for you."
"Easy as pie?  How does that make sense?"
"Well, it's just an expression that people say.  It's means it's easy."
"What's so easy about pie?  That's what I'm asking."
"I don't know."
"Then stop saying that, dummy."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Where was I?  Oh yeah.  After I attack Canada, I'll launch many super-sized fireballs that will kill humans anywhere and everywhere, but harm no animals.  I want to let the humans know that the whole world is under attack, and there is no safe harbor."
"Good idea, mistress Bumpkin."
"You're darn tootin' mister."
"Then what?"
"Then I'll get on TV, and tell the humans how they can avoid further bloodshed."
"How can they do that/"
"By surrendering, butthead."
"Of course.  What if they don't surrender?"
"I'll kill as many people in Switzerland as possible while not harming animals."
"They're neutral."
"I know."
"Good idea, Bumpkin.  Annihilate a neutral country; that will have them thinking."
"Of course.  Believe me, I know what I'm freaking doing." 

Bumpkin Can Resurrect the Dead

Reunited and it feels so good: Sheila and Bumpkin back in the day.

She really did it.  Bumpkin was missing her mommy: Sheila.  I was missing her too.  Aside from a little perhaps too-tough love, she's been a good mother to her groundhog daughters: the big and beautiful Lucinda, the sleepy Sloopy, and the biggest threat to world peace: Bumpkin (she of the evilly-supplied superpowers).
Bumpkin concocted a way to locate her mother via DNA.  Unfortunately, she had passed on to the next world.  "Why won't she wake up?" she asked me.  I was there because I gave her a ride.
"It's because she's dead Bumpkin," I replied.
"Dead?  Like what I've done to lots of people and some animals?"
"Yes, Bumpkin.  She's dead, and, I'm sorry to say it, but there's no coming back from it."
"You fool!  You better watch what you say about my mommy!"  She immediately went to her expired mother and touched her lifeless body.  A jolt went through Sheila's body.  She had re-awoken!  She had come back from the dead to join the living once again!  Sloopy and Lucinda were in for a treat!  Mommy's back from the dead!
Sheila was a little slow.  After all, she may have been dead for months.  She probably hasn't used any of those muscles in quite a while.  Bumpkin realized this.  She levitated Sheila, and transported her, effortlessly, through the air at a very low, and safe, altitude.  Sheila was grareful for the assistance.  She'd get back on her paws eventually, but it's best not to rush things, especially when Bumpkin is on hand with all of her superpowers, which can make anything much easier.
"What are we going to tell Sloopy and Lucinda?" I asked Bumpkin.
"Nothing!  You'll tell them nothing!  I want it to be a gosh-darn surprise, buster, so you better not be ruining things with that big, dumb, smart mouth of yours!"
"Which is it Bumpkin?  Is my mouth dumb or smart?  It can't be both."
"This, mister, is an example of your smart mouth: a mouth that could earn another fireball to the backside of your rump, pal.  You've got a smart mouth, wisenheimer.  It's what comes out of it that's dumb." 
"Oh, I get it now, Bumpkin.  Thank you so much for explaining it to me."
"Buster, do you want me to toast your buns with a super-hot fireball?"
"No, ma'am.  We're just having a conversation here, Bumpkin.  There's no need for you to harm me physically."
"I'll be the judge of that," replied the divine Miss B.

Bumpkin Hit China!

Spring isn't that far away.

Bumpkin has struck her first international blow by striking an area inside the country of China with a long-range, super-sized fireball!  Oh, you won't see it on the news.  After all, the Chinese officials haven't even told their own citizens about it, because the\y have no idea how it happened.
Mistress Bumpkin was watching a documentary about the horrible treatment of animals by people.  She saw that many Chinese citizens had a record of treating animals very poorly.  Once she'd seen enough, she unlocked my door, and opened it with her superpowers.  She did not use her superpowers to hop down the steps; it was so cute.  However, she was on her way to killing more people than she had ever done over the course of a single day.  General Bumpkinismo killed 34 people, and wounded dozens more, with a single fireball, that was launched from my apartment buildings' grounds in Rochester, NY.
Unless she's been practicing behind my back, that's, by far, the largest fireball she's ever flung from her left front paw.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "I don't know what to say.  The good, ole u s of a is a direct competitor with China.  Yet, you killed a lot of people, which, depending on the people killed, might be a bad thing."
"It is done as my will requested," retorted Bumpkin.  "I'm thinking about hitting Japan next with one of those babies."
"Just not Tokyo, please, Bumpkin.   Also, not Hiroshima or Nagasaki.  It wouldn't be right," I said.
"Don't try to give me a history lesson, buster brown!  I know all about that stuff!  Jeepers!  Look at World War II and the Holocaust.  How could Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini been allowed to do so much damage to the world!  Humans have had their chance.  It's time for the groundhogs to have their shot.  Well, really just me.  I'll have to take on the world's humans by myself, all the other groundhogs can do is give me moral support, which is a good thing to have, especially the support I get from my 2 sisters: Sloopy and Lucinda," said Bumpkin.  "Their support will give me what I need to be victorious against the human folk.  And victorious I shall be, by the hammers of Nutsie and Cleopatra (groundhog gods)," said Bumpkin.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "Is that the largest fireball you'll ever be able to toss?" I asked.
"No."
Sometimes, she's rather outgoing and articulate, other times, she just says what needs to be said : nothing more.

A Picnic on the Moon: Part Deux

Bumpkin Wumpkin

It didn't take us long to get to the moon.  The landing was very smooth: courtesy of Bumpkin.  Upon landing, she immediately expanded the size of the bubble, so we would have plenty of room to roam around and explore. 
"Let's play Frisbee," Bumpkin said.
"Great idea, Ms. Bumpkin," I said.  I located the Frisbee and tossed it to Bumpkin, who caught it with her superpowers: not her paws.
"Get to steppin'," she said to me.
"Yes, ma'am."  I jogged away from my groundhog house guests.  Once I determined I was far enough away, I turned around to look for the Frisbee.  As soon as I did, it struck me in the face at great velocity.  It not only knocked me down; it knocked me out.  Once I came to, I saw the sisters standing over me.  They were trying to hold in the laughter, but they weren't succeeding. 
"Are you okay?" Bumpkin asked me.
"I think so," I replied.  "But I don't know if I'm up for anymore Frisbee.  Could we eat now?"
"Of course," Bumpkin said.  She used her powers to spread the blanket and set things up.  I reached for an apple, and I felt something hit my hand: hard.  I put off grabbing that apple.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.  "Did you just slap my hand with your powers?"
"I sure did."
"Why, Bumpkin, why?"
"Because we haven't said grace yet.  I want you to do the honors."
"Yes, ma'am.  Dear God, we thank you-"
"Wait a second," said Bumpkin.  Who is this God you're thanking?  Is she a human or a groundhog?"
Bumpkin is deadly.  She's already hit me in the ass with one of her fireballs of destruction.  Which is why I said, "She's a groundhog, of course."
"Good answer.  Proceed."
"Yes.  Thank you for this food we're about to eat.  Amen."
"That was pretty short, buster," said Bumpkin.
"Well, sometimes less is more.  Bumpkin, could you please pass the pickled peppers?"
"Certainly," she said.  The pickled peppers flew out of the jar and hit me in the face, which led to great gales of laughter emanating from the 3 groundhog sisters. 
"Good one, Bumpkin," I had to admit.
"You make it so easy.  You asked for it," she replied.
After some more hijinks and shenanigans, all perpetuated by Bumpkin, we feasted.  Then we went for a stroll.  I never thought I'd be able to look at the Earth from the moon, but, thanks to Bumpkin, that's exactly what I was able to do.  I saw something.  I pointed to it.  "Look at that," I said.  Sloopy and Lucinda looked, but Bumpkin didn't bother to do so.  It was headed toward us.  "Do you know what that is, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Of course.  I summoned it from the Earth.  It's an adult diaper: for you.  I'm sick and tired of changing you after you poop yourself during space travel.  You will wear it during the trip back to Earth.  And if you poop your pants, you will have to stew in your own juices until you get home and change yourself for a change."
"I don't really need to wear it, Bumpkin."
"Phooey!  You've pooped your pants twice now, and I've changed you twice!  You will wear it: end of discussion!"
I knew she was in no mood for an argument, so I put it on.  And, sure enough, I soiled it on the way back.  "You were right, Bumpkin," I had to admit.
"Of course!  I'm always right!  I'm Bumpkin!"
"I know that you're tired of changing me, but could you please just do it once more?"
"Heck, no!  I thought I made myself abundantly clear!  I've changed you for the last time!  Now stew in your own juices!  It's what you deserve for not being able to control yourself!  How come you're the only one?  My sisters are able to hold in their poop."
Right on cue, some poop fell out of Lucinda's butt.
"Holy crap!  Give me a freaking break!" said Bumpkin.

A Picnic on the Moon

She's the Bumpkinest Bumpkin of all; she's Bumpkin!

"Let's have a picnic: on the moon!" Bumpkin declared.
Her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda cheered.
"Do they even know what a picnic or the moon is?" I asked.
"Of course!  I've taught them many words.  They just can't say any: yet.  I'm working on it."
"Are you serious about a picnic on the moon?  How do we do that?"
"Yes, I'm serious.  And don't worry about it; I'll handle everything: as usual.  Can you just pack everything we need?"
"Of course, Miss Bumpkin."  I found my picnic basket and began to fill it with goodies while the sisters watched Groundhog Day (again!).  Once I was sure we had enough, I said, "We're all packed up, Bumpkin."
"Good, now we'll go outside."
All of us walked out of the building.  As soon as we did, we were engulfed in a gigantic bubble.  Then we ascended, within the bubble, rapidly.  Lucinda and Sloopy whooped it up; they were having a great time.  As for me...
"Holy crap!  What's that smell?" asked Bumpkin.
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I pooped in my pants."
"OMG!  Once again, I can't take you anywhere!"  My pants suddenly came off me.  The part where I stick my legs in floated right in front of my face.  "Did you soil your pants?" Bumpkin asked.
I took a good look at the inside of the pants: especially the part that covers my butt.  "They're okay, Bumpkin.  They're clean."
"Okay then, it's just your underwear."
My underwear immediately came off me and fell through the bottom of the bubble: back towards Earth.  "You know, Bumpkin, I've told you before, but there are a lot of good reasons to not litter or pollute."
"I know, I know!"  She fired a fireball from her left front paw that likewise passed through the bubble.  I knew what that was for.  It was on its way to incinerating my filthy underpants.  "By the way, maybe you could practice what you preach and stop polluting your underwears."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I'm still not used to space travel."
"Well get used to it, Buster!  I'm tired of wasting my powers on cleaning your poopy butt!"
Back on Earth, a washcloth levitated in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store.  People watched, amazed, as it floated toward the rest rooms.  The door to the men's room opened, and the washcloth flew inside.  It hovered in a sink as the faucet turned on and doused it with warm water.  Then the soap dispenser made its contribution to the cleanliness of my backside.  Then, as the damp washcloth made its exit, it was followed by a towel.  Next thing I knew, my dirty backside was being washed by the soapy washcloth.  Once my butt was clean, the towel dried it.  Once my butt was dry, Bumpkin jettisoned the washcloth and towel from the bubble and toasted them.  All this time, I was modestly covering my private parts with my hands.  In a Kmart, a package of underwear opened.  A pair flew out, exited the store, and made it's way to my body.  They entered the bubble and Bumpkin, using her powers, dressed me.
"Thanks, Bumpkin, but these underwear are a little tight."
"Give me a break!  I thought you wore medium-sized undies!"
"Sometimes, there are some differences between brands."
In many stores, packages of men's underwear opened.  Pairs upon pairs of them exited stores and chased our bubble.  They arrived.  Pairs and pairs of them entered our bubble.  The bubble was filling rapidly with underpants.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  It was as though it was raining underpants, but from below instead of above.
"See any you like?" asked Bumpkin.
"Yeah, thanks Bumpkin, I'm good."
TO BE CONTINUED.
 

Bumpkin Apologized

Go ahead and take a break; you earned it.

She's a little rough around the edges, she has the necessary power to fiercely battle all the world's militaries simultaneously, but she's a real sweetheart.  She apologized for hitting me in the backside with one of her fireballs, which always emanate from her left front paw. 
"I'm sorry I hit you in the butt with a fireball," she said.
"Oh, Mistress Bumpkin, thank you so much.  That means so much to me," I replied with teary eyes.  It really did.  I love it when she's not mad at me; when I don't really have to worry about being deep-sixed by a groundhog.
She stood on her hind paws.  "Give me a hug," she said.
"Gladly, Madame Bumpkin, gladly," I replied.  We hugged.  It was great.  "You know I love you, Lady Bumpkin."
"I know you do," she replied.
"And I want to be with you for as long as I can."
"I know."
"Whatever I need to do to prove my worth to you; I will do."
"You'll try; I don't know if you'll succeed."
I got down on one knee in front of Bumpkin.  "Ms. Bumpkin, I hereby pledge my everlasting loyalty to you: now and forever."
"What is this crapola?"
"I'll always be on your side.  We'll always be each other's firsts.  You're my first groundhog friend, and I'm your first human friend."
"You're my only human friend.  I won't be making any more human friends; especially since I'll be slaughtering millions of them every darn day come spring."
"It will be a bloody spring indeed.  Please remember, as I've said before, friends don't kill friends."
"Don't you try to tell me who I shouldn't kill!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am."
"If you don't want me to kill you, then you should be begging me for opportunities to practice your marvelous groundhog massage technique on my body."
"Yes!  Thanks for reminding me!  Would you like a massage right now, Princess Bumpkin?"
"No, I mentioned it because I don't want a massage." 
I began to rub her little shoulders.  "I know when you're being sarcastic.  Just relax and enjoy the ride."

Bumpkin!

Peek-a-boo!  I see you!

I can't believe it!  The inevitable finally happened.  Bumpkin hit me in the ass with a fireball!  She ruined a perfectly good pair of jeans in the process.  At least it wasn't one of her lethals, she just wanted to make a point I guess.  To remind me that she merely tolerates me, and she could take me out anytime, and she can.
By the way, Bumpkin has given up completely on her clone, who looks just like her but has none of the special abilities and superpowers that Bumpkin has.  Bumpkin has kicked her out of my apartment; she must hibernate in the family hole: like a normal groundhog.  This is a good thing; it was crowded enough in here with me and 3 groundhogs.  I'm worried that she'll keep cloning herself until she gets the result she wants though.
Back to the butt burning though.  I must admit that I can be a surly sort.  It's part of the reason why I choose to live alone (I didn't ask Bumpkin and her sisters, Lucinda and Sloopy, to spend the winter hibernating in my apartment; Bumpkin made that decision for me.).  I need to have a place where I can get away and be alone: my home.  I came home from work one day, and I wasn't a happy camper; it was just one of those days (Don't take it personal.).  I walked down the hallway to the bathroom.  I turned my head, glanced into the bedroom, and saw it: groundhog poop.  One of my roomies had missed the kitty litter box by a few inches.  When I first moved in to this apartment, I was glad to have wall-to-wall carpeting.  I've since reconsidered.  Whoever made the choice to install light-colored carpeting into these apartments is a real pain in my ass (No pun intended.).  I wipe my feet so thoroughly before I enter my unit; it makes me feel like more of a nutcase than I usually do.  It doesn't matter; when you have light-colored carpeting, stains will come out of the woodwork.  If I ever buy carpeting, it will either be dark brown or black.  Black is an especially good choice because it is a combination of all the colors.  Therefore, theoretically, whatever you drop onto it will be absorbed by the blackness of it.
So I see groundhog poop on the carpet, and I see red.  I knew Bumpkin didn't do it, because she taught herself to use the toilet shortly after moving in to my unit.  Sometimes she forgets to clean her fur off the toilet seat, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.  Even though I know Bumpkin can be very protective of her sisters, I couldn't help it.
"Who pooped on the carpet?!" I yelled.  Then I felt it: the fireball hitting my backside.  Whoo!  It burned.  I ran into the bathroom, turned on the cold water, and splashed it all over my butt.  I took off the pants; they were toast.  There was just a little hole burned into my skivvies: no need to trash them.  That was enough of a warning for me.  I dropped the issue entirely.  And Bumpkin, to her credit, levitated the errant poop, and tossed it out of a window.  She even cleaned the stain.   Though I never found out who missed the kitty litter box; I suppose it doesn't matter.
         

Bumpkin Got Drunk

This is Gracie: one of our beloved neighbors.

I came home from work and immediately went to the fridge to get a beer.  It had been that sort of a day.  I knew I had 6 of them in there, but now there were none.  There was only one explanation: Bumpkin.  I marched straight to my bedroom, which has been taken over by 3 groundhogs: Bumpkin and her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda.  Sure enough, once again, they were watching Groundhog Day.  Well, only Bumpkin was watching it this time.  Sloopy and Lucinda were fast asleep among the empty beer cans.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She used her superpowers to lift the can, which was too large to be held by her paws, to her lips.  She took a sip.  Then she saw me.
"What is this stuff?  It's good." she said to me.
"It's beer, Bumpkin.  And I was hoping I'd be able to have some.  Now I'll have to go out and get some more if I want to have any."
"We do need more of it.  I feel like going for a ride anyway."
So we walked to my car, I opened the door for her, and she hopped in.  We were off to the store.  It didn't take us long to get there.
"I'll be right back," I said to her before going inside to purchase more beer.
"I'm going with," she replied.
Great.  I'm trying to maintain a low profile, because I'm with Bumpkin, who is planning to start a war (groundhogs vs. humans) for control of the world, and now I must walk into a supermarket with her.
"OK, Bumpkin.  But please don't kill anyone."
"If anyone disrespects me, or my sisters, there will be blood."
"But Bumpkin, it's bad enough when you're sober.  You've been drinking.  Alcohol impairs one's abilities."
"Not mine," she replied.  "Watch this."  She stood on her hind legs in the parking lot and promptly flung one of her fireballs of destruction from her left front paw at a flying seagull.  It was close, but she missed the bird.  Bumpkin was so confident in her abilities that she didn't even look to see if the fireball found its target.  "See?"
"Ah, Bumpkin, you missed."
"What?!"  She looked at the bird, who was still soaring.  "Holy crap!  I never miss!"  She fired another fireball.  This time, it hit the seagull, who burst into flames.  The poor thing continued to fly for as long as she could before crashing and burning.  "That beer must have made me miss.  This beer is no good!  Take me to it!"
"Now, Bumpkin, take it easy.   Please don't start any trouble."
"Just take me to the darn beer!"
"Yes, ma'am."  I can't argue with her when she's like this.  I took her to the beer section.  'This is it," I said to her.
She looked around a little before firing several fireballs at the store's beer stock.  People screamed and ran when they heard the explosions and saw the flames.  Cans of beer were exploding.  Bottles of beer were shattering.  She didn't stop until all the beer had been destroyed.
"You did it, Bumpkin.  You destroyed all of it," I said.
"Yeah, in this store.  Now let's go to the next one."
"Bumpkin, you can't destroy all the beer!  There's too much of it, and it's all over the place.  And that's not the only kind of alcohol either.  There's wine and liquor too."  Then it hit me: an idea.  "You want to take control of the world, right?"
"You know I will."
"Well, then, let the humans drink alcohol and impair their abilities and their health.  This will make them easier to defeat."
"You made a pretty good point: for a human."
So we went home and I never got to drink any beer that day. 

Bumpkin Did It

She did it again; she destroyed stuff.

Once I stepped into my apartment, I knew something was wrong.  It was way too cold.  I immediately went to my, or, perhaps I should say, the bedroom of my 3 groundhogian guests: Sloopy, Lucinda, and, of course, Bumpkin, who has superpowers that were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld.  I looked inside the bedroom and soon noticed the source of my home's extreme frigidity: the window had been busted.  It looked like something went right through the window and the screen.  Not surprisingly, the screen was bent outward, leaving me to believe that the source of the damage had come from within and most likely; it was Bumpkin.  Also not surprisingly, the sisters were watching Groundhog Day (again!).
"And just what the heck happened to that window?"
"You better not be talking to me like that," said Bumpkin.  "I'd hate to see you end up like that freaking window!"
"No, Mistress Bumpkin, I was talking to Sloopy and Lucinda.  If you're offended again, then please allow me to apologize to you again."
"You sure got a smart mouth, mister.  I'd hate to launch a fireball at it from my left front paw."
"Is that what happened to the window?  Was it one of your fireballs?"
"Of course."
"Why, pray tell, did you destroy the window and the screen with a fireball?"
"There was a bird outside who was making so much noise.  I warned him telepathically to quit it or go away, but he, for whatever reason, did not heed my warning.  The next logical step, everyone can agree, is to immediately fling a fireball of destruction from your left paw at the offender."
"Did you get him?"
"But of course.  He's really just a piece of toast at this point."
"OK, Madame Bumpkin, but, in the future, could you please open the window and the screen if you must launch a fireball?  And I'd appreciate it very much if you could try to limit your fireball deployment as much as possible.  It could bring unwanted attention to this apartment."
"Let them come!  I am ready.  Maybe that's how the last great war, that of the humans vs. the groundhogs, will come to pass.  They'll come after us, and we'll, well, I don't know about "we'll."  I won't get much help physically at all.  The average groundhog wouldn't do very well in combat against the average human.  It's looking like I'll have to do all the fighting for my side.  Sloopy and Lucinda will provide moral support.  They will keep my spirits up.  They'll remind me that I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm also doing it for all the world's groundhogs.  We will rule this planet!" 
"That's great Miss Bumpkin, but we need to do something about this window.  It's freezing in here!"
"No it isn't.  It's comfy."
"For you and your sisters maybe.  You're all covered in fur!  What about me?  I'm bald!  Please fix it Ms. Bumpkin." 
"OK, just a sec."  The damaged screen and window were immediately jettisoned from the building.  They were completely incinerated by one of Bumpkin''s fireballs before they could hit the ground.  Then a window and screen from the apartment directly across the way from ours detached from that unit and flew over to replace ours.
"Thanks, Bumpkin.  But that wasn't very neighborly."
"I told you.  I don't care about things like being neighborly.  I welcome any and all humans to challenge me in a duel to the death.  Groundhogs have been under the thumb of humans for far too long.  Here is as good a place as any for the revolution to begin.  Viva Las Marmotas!"