Bumpkin Industries

Lucinda's gettin' some sun.

We here at the newly-formed Bumpkin Industries want to be the answer to all your Bumpkin needs: now and forever.  Please allow me to introduce myself.  I go by the name the Bald Vegan on this blog, but I'm currently merely vegetarian and not eating cheese, pizza, ice cream, and anything that has egg in it.  My downfall lately has been milk chocolate: especially Reese's peanut butter cups.
But I digress, I am the vice-president of Bumpkin Industries.  The president, and CEO, of Bumpkin Industries is a groundhog named Bumpkin.  Those of you who are in the know understand how a groundhog could run a multinational corporation while planning an attack on the humans for control of the world.  You see, she's got these superpowers...
The sky is the limit for Bumpkin Industries.  As long as we can get off our lazy duffs enough, Bumpkin Industries is liable to become an industry leader in the world of industry.  Please walk with us, hand by hand, into the cornucopia that is the future.
In Bumpkin's infinite wisdom, the full range of Bumpkin-inspired paraphernalia with ultimately unfold right before everyone's eyes.
"Hey, schmucko.  Did you get a date yet?"  Bumpkin asked me.
"No," I had to admit.
"Hey, Lucinda and Sloopy, he's been sending a poop-load of messages to human women on Plenty of Fish, and no one's even responded to any of them."
All 3 groundhog sisters laughed.
"I'll get a date, Bumkpin.  You'll see."
"Yeah, right.  If I use my superpowers to help you, maybe you could get a date.  But without the use of superpowers, forget it buster brown!"
"I don't like the way this is going.  Now I'm worried that you'll use your superpowers against me, to keep me from getting a date.  I just can't win around here."
"Stop crying, you big baby.   You're like over 40 years older than me; grow up already."
"Sorry, Bumpkin.  You're right."
"If you want, I could use my powers to get you a date.  I can turn women into brain-dead zombies that will obey your every command."
"That sounds nice, Bumpkin, but I'd like to get dates on my own steam."
"Have it your way.  It could take years for you to get a date: good luck, buster."
"Thanks Bumpkin."

Holy Asteroids, Part Deux: Kickin' Asteroids.

This is Lucinda on St. Patrick's Day 2013.

Once we had packed snacks and water for the trip, Bumpkin created the life-sustaining bubble of the sort we usually use for space travel.  As usual, it will provide us with all the protection we may require: both as an outer tough wall while effortlessly maintaining the Earthly balance of gases, temperatures, and climates that we Earthlings are used to.
We took off.  We pretty much teleported right into orbit.  It's the kind of speed that Bumpkin can work with; she's amazing.  Especially when you consider that she's a groundhog; although, she's also the possessor of some of the most incredible superpowers to be bestowed upon anyone: let alone a groundhog.
Phoosh!  Bumpkin fired one of her fireballs of destruction at a nearby asteroid: direct hit!  It exploded into tiny pebbles: success!  The resulting fragments were clearly too small to ever do any damage to Mother Earth.  Bumpkin saw the results, and in the next moment, she hit another asteroid with a fireball.  It also detonated into pebbles.  She was gettin' some real work done, yes sir.  When nobody else can do nuthin' about it, sometimes the strong need to step up and mind the stopgap.  Pow!  A third asteroid was reduced to rubble by Miss Bumpy.
"Look at that big-ass one," Bumpkin told us.  We looked at the gigantic asteroid she was pointing at with her left front paw.  It was far away, a safe distance, but it was massive.  It was more than a city killer; it looked like a country killer.  Bumpkin flung a huge fireball at the mammoth asteroid.  It took a few seconds to get there; then it tore that humongous asteroid apart with a spectacular explosion.
"You nipped it in the bud, Bumpkin," I said.
"Of course.  That used to be a giant space rock that's just gonna keep floating around in space: always posing a future threat.  Now, thanks to one of my specially-tailored fireballs, it's nothing but billions and billions of tiny, practically weightless pebbles."
"On behalf of all Earthlings, please accept our heartfelt thanks.'
"Yeah.  That and 5 bucks will get me a coffee at Starbucks."
"Should I try to get out the word that you did this?"
"Do whatever you want to do.  Just realize that if you tell people a talking groundhog destroyed some asteroids today with fireballs that came out of her left front paw, then be my guest.  They'd just think you're loony tunes."    

Holy Asteroids!

Bumpkin was very young in this one.

"Phooey!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm tired of hearing about all these darn near misses with asteroids or meteors, or whatever the heck they're called!  Since, as usual, no one else is stepping up to do anything about it, I'll have to put in some time!  Who wants to come with me to reduce some asteroids to rubble?"
Sloopy and Lucinda cheered; I did not.
"You're going too, buster," Bumpkin said to me.
"Wow.  All of a sudden: deja vu."
"If all humans are as unappreciative as you are, then you all shall deserve to be slaughtered big time when I finally make my big move.  I'm taking you safely through space; not even Micheal Jordan can do that."
"I am so glad and grateful I've been to the moon, Mars, and Uranus.  I especially liked Uranus."
"I like Uranus too," Bumpkin replied.   We all had a good chuckle.
"I'm just tired of wearing adult diapers and pooping myself during bowel-wrenching space travel."
"Speak for yourself, poopypants.  It doesn't bother my bowels at all."
"With all due respect, Madame Bumpkin, you have very powerful forces protecting you and giving you a multitude of superpowers.  I bet you don't even feel pain."
"What is pain?"
"Something you don't feel.  And you're probably lucky to not feel it; especially since you have rapid automatic self-healing powers. "
"Yes, it's good to be me; for I shall be king of the world soon," said Bumpkin.
"Well, they say that the meek shall inherit the Earth."
"Who the heck says that?"
"People."
"That figures.  Lots of people are dumb."
"I must admit you are correct.  And the fact that you, who's a groundhog, said such a truism is all the more astonishing."
"Carpe diem.  Now, let's go bust up some asteroids!"
This time, we all cheered.  Why not?  It did sound like fun, and I'm sure we'd be safe, but I'm worried I'll poop my pants again.  What the heck?  I'll make it a personal challenge.  My goal is a noble one; I wish to not poop my pants today. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

I've Been to Uranus!

Take me to Uranus, and let me play among the stars.

Once again, thanks to Bumpkin, and adult diapers, I did not soil my car seat as we traveled to Uranus.  We don't need the car.  I don't start it up or anything.  It's all under Bumpkin's control, and she essentially teleported my car, her, Sloopy, Lucinda (Bumpkin's sisters), and I to Uranus.  I checked my watch, it took 42 seconds for us to travel to Uranus.
Uranus is a barren, godforsaken planet.  There was no sign of life.  It was freakin cold until Bumpkin turned up the heat in the temporary life-supporting bubble that she creates for us every time we travel through space.
"Ah, Bumpkin, could you change me?"
"Look buster, I told you.  I've changed you for the last time.  The adult diapers were my brilliant idea.  After that, I hereby retired from changing your poopy drawers. "
"I know, but it would be so easy with your powers."
"You've got 2 hands, buster.  Change yourself," Bumpkin suggested.
"Yes, ma'am.  Where's the diaper bag?"
"You didn't bring it?"
"No, Miss Bumpkin."
"Well, I didn't bring it.  It's not my responsibility; it's yours."
"Oh great.  I guess I can't change now."
"You got no one to blame but yourself.  Hey!  Sloopy!  Lucinda!  He pooped in his pants, and he forgot his diaper bag!"  Bumpkin said.
Sloopy and Lucinda laughed hard and loudly.  Soon, all 3 groundhog sisters were rolling around, their little bodies racked with laughter, on the surface of Uranus.
Bumpkin stopped laughing long enough to say, "Didn't you have that big-ass burrito yesterday?"
"Yes," I had to admit.
Now the sisters were convulsed with laughter.  I don't care that I'm the butt (no pun intended) of the joke.  I just love hearing my girls laugh: on Uranus to boot. 
We explored Uranus.  Bumpkin took some geological samples that she intended to test.  Who knows?  Perhaps Bumpkin will build a colony for animals or humans on Uranus.  She has so much power and imagination.  She's capable of fixing nearly every imaginable, and conceivable, problem.  I'm so lucky to have her as a friend.  I just wish she'd change me and remember to bring the diaper bag.

I've Been to Mars!

Bumpkin got us to Mars in 35 seconds flat.

"Who wants to go to Mars?" is how it started.  Who asked that bold question?  Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda cheered: I did not.
"You're going too buster," Bumpkin informed me.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  I don't want to give her any more reasons to launch any more fireballs at my backside.  She has toasted my buns.
"You know what to do," Bumpkin said to me.
"Put on an adult diaper."
"Exactly."
"Will do, Mistress Bumpkin."
"Although, this time, we'll be travelling in your car.  My hope is that you won't want to soil the seat of your own car, so maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to hold it in and not poop your pants, for a change, during space travel."
"We shall see my princess."
"And pack some food, Jackamoe."
"Yes ma'am."
When we were all ready, we went downstairs and got into my car.  I've driven Bumpkin around quite a bit, but I think that's the first time I ever had all 3 of the sisters in my car at once.  It might be the first time I ever had Sloopy and Lucinda in my car.  Holy crap!  I better bring some sort of a litter box: even if it's just a temporary one.  I don't know how long it will take us to get to Mars, but knowing Bumpkin, and how her superpowers just keep getting stronger and stronger, it probably won''t take us long.  She pretty much has the power of teleportation, so I estimate my car will be landing in Mars about 42 seconds after the Ford Escort is launched: perhaps sooner, but certainly not later that that.
Yes, I checked my watch, and it took us 35 seconds.   Bumpkin has, as usual, manufactured an environment for us within an invisible bubble that allows us to breath and function as we normally do.  They're right; it is red.  It's definitely red.  It's also dusty and rocky balboa. 
"I want a freaking sandwich," Bumpkin declared.
Why the heck not?  Right now, Lebron James is the toast of the town.  First of all, he's no Michael Jordan, he may be one day, but he certainly isn't yet.  The point is, let's see Lebron safely transport a Ford Escort to Mars from the Earth (obviously) in 35 seconds.
By the way, I didn't poop my pants this time!

Bumpkin Ate Human Flesh!

This groundhog likes the taste of human flesh.

I came home one fine day.  After saying hi to Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy, who were watching Groundhog Day again (How many times have they seen it?  I lost count, but it's well over 100 times for sure.), I changed into my pajamas and slippers.  Then I went to the fridge to get some cold water.  I opened the door, and there it was: a human head!  I screamed like a little girl.  I couldn't help it.  Then I heard it: laughter.  Bumpkin, Sloopy, and Lucinda were laughing their little groundhog heads off.  I slammed the fridge door shut and marched to their bedroom.
"What have you done this time, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Hey, watch your tone, buster!  I'll forgive you this time, because you screaming like that is the funniest thing I ever heard!"  She cracked up laughing, and she was joined by Sloopy and Lucinda.
"It's not funny, Bumpkin.  I assume you killed that guy.  You're going to get us into big trouble."
"The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  If they want to come after me, they know where to find me.  Anyone seeking vengeance against me will suffer a similar fate."
"Where's the rest of him?"
"We ate him," replied Bumpkin.
"Wow.  How did he taste?"
"Pretty darn good."
"I don't really have a problem with you guys eating human flesh.  After all, people eat all kinds of animals.  Who am I to say that animals shouldn't eat people?  How did this all happen?"
"There was a knock at the door.  I ignored it.  Then I heard the door unlocking and opening."
"Uh-oh," I said.
"As I was saying, I heard someone come into the apartment.  So I came out to investigate.  This guy was standing there.  He just stared at me like a big dummy.  I knew I had to snuff him, but I didn't want to make a mess in the apartment."
"Thank you."
"So I used my powers to open the window and screen.  I tossed him outside the window, and kept him suspended in midair.  Then I separated his head from his body.  I let the blood drain out of his head, then I put it in the fridge as a joke for you to find."
"Good one.  You got me."
"Obviously.  Then I burned his clothes off with a fireball.  And then I cooked him with another fireball at 400 degrees for about an hour.  He was delicious."
"Excuse me for a moment please," I said to the sisters.  I walked back into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  Sure enough, I recognized the man.  He was one of the maintenance workers at the apartment complex.  Poor bastard.  He was just trying to do his job.

Day of the Groundhog

The day of the groundhog is approaching.

This is what the future will be like.  Groundhogs, thanks to Bumpkin, will rule the Earth.  They will all be free to do whatever they want, whenever they want.  No longer shall they run and hide in fear from humans.  They will all be free to graze, walk, sit on their butts, and fornicate wherever they wish to do so.  Their time is coming.  As Bumpkin said, humans have had their chance, and now it's the groundhogs' turn.
One of Bumpkin's plans is to free all the animals that are being imprisoned in zoos.  The cages won't go to waste though.  Bumpkin will fill them with all different kinds of humans.  In this cage, you'll see a UPS guy.  In the next, you'll find a plumber.  Then you'll come across a police officer and so on.  The zoos will be open to all species of animals: as long as they can behave themselves.  And by behave themselves, Bumpkin means they better not attack any other animals who are trying to enjoy the human zoo, or they will have to answer to her.
Bumpkin feels connected to all the animals of the world.  It seems possible that groundhogs will enjoy preferential treatment though.  They will all certainly enjoy her protection.  For instance, I wouldn't want to trade places with a dog that has attacked a groundhog.  In the new order, violence will be met with violence.  It makes sense to me.  That's why I don't go around attacking animals or people.  If I commit violence against another sentient being, then, logically, I can expect some violence to come my way.
Bumpkin won't tolerate any violence whatsoever.  There will be no valid excuses.  All living earthlings, including predators, must become vegans.  She'll give you 2 choices: become vegan or be eradicated.  She's seen enough of animals ripping each other apart on the Discovery Channel.  It grosses her out and makes her sick.  She won't allow anyone to eat any eggs either.  Those eggs were meant to hatch: not be eaten by some fat ass.  Milk products will also be a no-no.  Cow's milk, obviously, exists to feed their calves, and in the future, it will.  No longer will humans tug at cow's udders or use machines to do it.  Anyone who persists in this sort of behavior will be wiped from the face of the Earth.
Will Bumpkin alter the natural order of things here on Earth?  Absolutely.  Will overpopulation be a problem?  I don't think so.  Based on what I've seen, there seems to be no limit to her superpowers; they just keep getting stronger every day.  I think she has the ability to send plants and animals to other planets, solar systems, and universes.  Whenever it becomes too crowded on Earth, she'll just send more people, animals, and plants to other planets and moons.  And there, with Bumpkin's assistance, they will thrive. 
Change is coming.  Get ready for it.            

Snow!

Winter wonderland

Nemo dumped a lot of snow on Rochester over the past couple of days.  It's a winter wonderland!  Even better, my guests have never seen snow before.  Bumpkin used her superpowers to levitate herself, so she could look out the window at the falling snow.  Lucinda looked at me and made lots of whiny noises. 
"What does she want, Bumpkin?"
"She wants you to pick her up so she can look out the window."
"It would be my pleasure."  I bent down to pick her up, and she opened her front legs wide with anticipation.  I picked her up and held her close to me.  Lucinda looked out the window and squealed with delight.  I felt something tugging at my left pajama pants' leg.  I looked down and saw Sloopy looking at me with her front legs open wide.
"Bumpkin, I think Sloopy wants to look out of the window too.  Could you give her a boost?"
"But of course."  Just like that, Bumpkin used her powers to levitate Sloopy so she could see the snow.  Sloopy squealed delightedly.
"That's enough looking.  Let's go outside!"  Bumpkin said.  That led to the loudest squeals I ever heard Sloopy and Lucinda emit.  I began to get bundled up for the cold weather.
"I don't have any clothes that would fit you guys, but I do have some extra hats.  You're welcome to wear them."
"We will wear the hats," said Bumpkin.  I got them out and tossed them onto the floor.  Bumpkin chose a black knit hat, Sloopy selected a blue one, and Lucinda grabbed a multi-colored hat.  They put them on.  They looked so cute, but their heads are so much smaller than mine.  The hats covered their entire heads and then some.  Lucinda and Sloopy began to whine, because they couldn't see.  Bumpkin immediately used her powers to make holes in the hats for their eyes and mouths.  Lucinda and Sloopy cheered. 
"Let's go!" said Bumpkin.  I opened the door for them, and my groundhog friends exited the apartment.  It was beautiful outside.  All 3 sisters began to run around in the snow.  I made a snowball and tossed it playfully at Lucinda.  I missed.
"Hey!  What the freak do you think you're doing, buster?  I would think you'd know better by now than to attack one of my sisters!"
"Whoa!  Hold on a second, Bumpkin!  Before you eradicate me with one of your fireballs of destruction, please let me say something."
"I'm listening.  This better be good, buster."
"Sometimes, when it snows, friends throw snowballs at each other.  It's just for fun; it's not attacking."
"OK.  I forgive you."
"Thank you, Miss Bumpkin."  I noticed that many snowballs were rising out of the snow on the ground.  I had a feeling about what was going to happen next.  Sure enough, I was pelted with over 100 snowballs at once.  I was knocked down immediately.  They continued to hit me while I was down.  It was like an avalanche.  I soon was completely covered with snow.  I couldn't breathe.  My life flashed before my eyes. 
When I came to, I was in my bed. 
"Sleeping beauty has awoken," said Bumpkin.  "Here, have some of this."  A mug floated toward me and I grabbed the handle.  The aroma emanating from it was quite familiar to me: hot chocolate.  I took a sip.
"Delicious cocoa, Bumpkin.  Thank you."
"It's the least I could do.  I killed you: by accident.  No harm done though.  Obviously, I brought you back to life."
"Wow.  Thanks for bringing me back to life Bumpkin."
"What are friends for?"

It's Freaking Groundhog Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

"Bumpkin," I said.  "Do you know what today is?"
"If you don't know what day it is, then  look at your freaking calendar.  Don't bother me with these stupid questions," she replied.
"It's Groundhog Day!" I said.
"I know that, dummy."
"Of course you did.  I should have known."
"By the way, how would you like to meet Punxsutawney Phil?"
"It would be my pleasure."
"Yo Phil!"
To my surprise, a groundhog, that wasn't Lucinda or Sloopy (Bumpkin's sisters) walked out of the bedroom that used to be mine.
"This is Punxsutawney Phil?"
"Of course.  I pulled the old switcharoo on those jerks.  Groundhogs must be free.  Any human that's holding a groundhog captive will have to answer to me."
"How did you do it?"
"Remember my clone?"
"Of course."
"After much careful observation, I came to the conclusion that my clone, in addition to having none of my superpowers, also has no feelings.  She isn't really real.  Phil is totally real though.  Also, Lucinda has a crush on him: big time.  Last night, I flew to Punxsutawney and made the switch."
"Brilliant, Miss B, simply brilliant."
"You might want to watch the ceremony this year."
"Uh-oh.  What have you done, Bumpkin?"
"You'll see."
I went into the bedroom, where Sloopy and Lucinda were watching, appropriately, Groundhog Day on the TV.  "I'm just going to stop this right here, and you can watch the rest of it later."  I picked up the remote and stopped the DVD.  Sloopy and Lucinda started making all these whiny noises.
"It's OK, Sloopy and Lucinda.  You can watch the rest later.  I just want to watch something.  Don't you want to see a real Groundhog Day ceremony?"
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.  Bumpkin really has taught them many English words.  I changed the channel, and there it was.  The guy in the top hat grabbed Bumpkin's clone and held her up in the air.  He had a big smile on his face, and he was going into his little spiel when a massive explosion disrupted the proceedings in a major way.
"Holy crap!" I exclaimed.  When the smoke cleared, it was obvious that everyone at the scene must have been blown to bits.  "Bumpkin!  How did you do that?"
"I left a giant fireball there: underground.  I programmed it to go off exactly when I wanted it to."
"But you killed your clone!  Not to mention all those people."
"Dummy, I just told you; she had no feelings.  She wasn't real.  I made her, so I can destroy her."
"I guess so."
"As for the people, they got what they deserved!  Do you know how scary it is for a regular groundhog to be among all those humans?  And how dare they keep a groundhog captive like that!  I've got a good mind to wipe Punxsutawney off the freaking map!  In fact, I think I will."  One of the windows in my apartment opened and Bumpkin flung a fireball out of it.  Once it was outside, it expanded.  The fireball, now gigantic, took off, presumably for Punxsutawney.  It didn't take long to get there.
"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news.  Punxsutawney, PA has been completely destroyed by a massive explosion.  And out of all the days it could have happened, it happened on Groundhog Day.  Officials are not yet sure if there is a connection."
Oh, there's a connection all right.  

Bumpkin's Plan

A young Bumpkin grazing with her mommy: Sheila

It's a devious plan indeed.  It's diabolical.  The casualties will be enormous; many people will die when Bumpkin finally makes her move to wrest control of the world from the humans.
"I'll attack Canada first," declared Bumpkin.  "That place is so freaking cold that I'll be doing them a favor by putting them out of their misery.  That place is fit for neither groundhog nor beastie.  Who says I don't have a heart?"
"That's nice of you, Bumpkin.  It is a God-forsaken land during winter.  You might want to toast Minnesota and Maine with your fireballs for the same reasons; it can get really cold in those states."
"Don't try to tell me what to do!  I know all about that anyway, buster!  I watch the weather channel."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  You're right.  It's your war: not mine."
"Darn right, mister!  It's my war!  And I suggest you try to remain on the right side of it."
"Yes, ma'am.  I know you will kill as many humans as you need to in order to win.  And killing people is as easy as pie for you."
"Easy as pie?  How does that make sense?"
"Well, it's just an expression that people say.  It's means it's easy."
"What's so easy about pie?  That's what I'm asking."
"I don't know."
"Then stop saying that, dummy."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Where was I?  Oh yeah.  After I attack Canada, I'll launch many super-sized fireballs that will kill humans anywhere and everywhere, but harm no animals.  I want to let the humans know that the whole world is under attack, and there is no safe harbor."
"Good idea, mistress Bumpkin."
"You're darn tootin' mister."
"Then what?"
"Then I'll get on TV, and tell the humans how they can avoid further bloodshed."
"How can they do that/"
"By surrendering, butthead."
"Of course.  What if they don't surrender?"
"I'll kill as many people in Switzerland as possible while not harming animals."
"They're neutral."
"I know."
"Good idea, Bumpkin.  Annihilate a neutral country; that will have them thinking."
"Of course.  Believe me, I know what I'm freaking doing." 

Bumpkin Can Resurrect the Dead

Reunited and it feels so good: Sheila and Bumpkin back in the day.

She really did it.  Bumpkin was missing her mommy: Sheila.  I was missing her too.  Aside from a little perhaps too-tough love, she's been a good mother to her groundhog daughters: the big and beautiful Lucinda, the sleepy Sloopy, and the biggest threat to world peace: Bumpkin (she of the evilly-supplied superpowers).
Bumpkin concocted a way to locate her mother via DNA.  Unfortunately, she had passed on to the next world.  "Why won't she wake up?" she asked me.  I was there because I gave her a ride.
"It's because she's dead Bumpkin," I replied.
"Dead?  Like what I've done to lots of people and some animals?"
"Yes, Bumpkin.  She's dead, and, I'm sorry to say it, but there's no coming back from it."
"You fool!  You better watch what you say about my mommy!"  She immediately went to her expired mother and touched her lifeless body.  A jolt went through Sheila's body.  She had re-awoken!  She had come back from the dead to join the living once again!  Sloopy and Lucinda were in for a treat!  Mommy's back from the dead!
Sheila was a little slow.  After all, she may have been dead for months.  She probably hasn't used any of those muscles in quite a while.  Bumpkin realized this.  She levitated Sheila, and transported her, effortlessly, through the air at a very low, and safe, altitude.  Sheila was grareful for the assistance.  She'd get back on her paws eventually, but it's best not to rush things, especially when Bumpkin is on hand with all of her superpowers, which can make anything much easier.
"What are we going to tell Sloopy and Lucinda?" I asked Bumpkin.
"Nothing!  You'll tell them nothing!  I want it to be a gosh-darn surprise, buster, so you better not be ruining things with that big, dumb, smart mouth of yours!"
"Which is it Bumpkin?  Is my mouth dumb or smart?  It can't be both."
"This, mister, is an example of your smart mouth: a mouth that could earn another fireball to the backside of your rump, pal.  You've got a smart mouth, wisenheimer.  It's what comes out of it that's dumb." 
"Oh, I get it now, Bumpkin.  Thank you so much for explaining it to me."
"Buster, do you want me to toast your buns with a super-hot fireball?"
"No, ma'am.  We're just having a conversation here, Bumpkin.  There's no need for you to harm me physically."
"I'll be the judge of that," replied the divine Miss B.