War!

Three of the five babies.

Bumpkin continues to wage war against the humans for control of the world.  "I'm not doing this for myself.  I don't need to be fighting a war against all the Earth's humans, I'd rather surf the web, watch TV, or go out with boy groundhogs, but humans are destroying this planet with their ways.  People pollute, they're greedy, violent, sadistic, selfish, and brutal.  Us animals have lived under your thumbs for too long.  It's our turn.  Animals must be given control of the world or I will take it: no matter how many human lives must be lost.  I shall punctuate my remarks by launching a fireball that  will destroy a vessel within a fleet of Japanese whalers that is attempting to kill whales," said Bumpkin.
She used her powers to open the screen, another fireball of destruction emerged from her left front paw, which promptly flew out of the window, grew in size while hovering outside the window, then abruptly headed off, at great speed, toward its target.
"That's it.  Interview over," declared Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am," said local TV broadcaster Lia Lando.
The crew began to pack up their junk.  This interview had been shot in my apartment.  So much for keeping a low profile.  I think the only way I'll get my security deposit back is if Bumpkin uses her powers to help me.
"Will you get out of here already?" Bumpkin queried.
"Sure, we're just packing up our stuff.  It takes a little while," said Lia.
"No it doesn't," said Bumpkin.  The crew's equipment began to fly out of the window and land on the grass outside the building.  In a matter of seconds, all their stuff was out of my apartment.  "Now get lost," she commanded.  They all left.  Lia Lando is the most beautiful woman I've ever had over; that's for sure.  I doubt a more beautiful woman will ever grace this unit again.
"Bumpkin, my apartment is going to be a huge target now.  What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know how many times I have to say this.  The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  You are fortunate enough to be the safest human on Earth, as long as you don't test my patience too much, because you have my protection, cause you're on my team and...What do you even do around here?"
"Well, for one thing, you and your sisters have been living in my apartment for several months now.  Also, you told me I'm the best groundhog masseuse of all time."
"That's right," replied Bumpkin.  "It's time to justify your existence."
"Yes, ma'am," I said, as I made my way over to her and began to rub her tiny shoulders.
"Turn on the news," she said.
"Sure Mistress Bumpkin," I replied.  I stopped massaging her just long enough to turn the TV on.
"Once again, if you're just joining us, we have breaking news of a Japanese whaling vessel exploding in the middle of a whale hunt.  The vessel has been completely destroyed," said a pretty female newscaster. 
Sorry no photo.  Something must be wrong with blogger today.  I've tried over and over again, and they won't let me post a photo today.  I'll fix it when I can.  Cheerio!

 

Let's Go to the Beach: Part Deux

It's Rusty (Lucinda's son) and Daisy (Bumpkin's daughter).

I opened the car doors and flipped the levers so the front seats would move forward and allow my groundhog friends, Sloopy and Lucinda, to climb into the car and onto the back seat.  Bumpkin sat up front with me.
"All right.  I guess we're ready to go to the beach!" I said.
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with excitement, and we were off.  I couldn't help noticing that Bumpkin had used her superpowers to open the car's passenger-side window all the way.  I was hoping that she did that for the fresh air.  However, she raised her front left paw and launched several fireballs from it, in rapid-fire succession, that slipped right out the window she had opened.  Boom!  One of the fireballs hit a gas station, which caused a massive explosion.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  She also destroyed some cars, and more buildings, with the first fusillade of the day.  Her actions surprised me, but I said nothing.  Bumpkin had said she was going to wage war against humans for control of the world this spring, and, obviously, she meant it.  At this point, fireballs were popping out of her left paw like popcorn.  One after the other they came.  Again, they hit cars and buildings: stores and houses alike.  The war had begun.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She appeared to be as cool as a cucumber.  Her mastery of the fireballs of destruction is complete.  She wasn't even breaking a sweat.
After causing much destruction, we arrived at the beach.  I got out of the car, opened the doors, and moved the seats forward so Lucinda and Sloopy could get out.  We walked toward the beach.  I suppose it's a bit of a strange sight to see a human walking to the beach with 3 groundhogs, so people did their share of staring.  Unfortunately, for them, Bumpkin was in no mood to be stared at.  Everyone that pointed, stared at, or talked about us got their buns toasted by one of Bumpkin's fireballs.  I saw some boats on the lake.  Bumpkin saw them too.  She sent at least one fireball to each and every one of the boats we saw.  The fireballs detonated on the boats.  There were explosions, fires, and boats were sinking.  She even flung one at a passing plane.  She nailed it.  It exploded and suddenly fell from the sky.  It crashed into the lake.
War has begun.  People get ready for a new world leader: a groundhog named Bumpkin.    

Let's Go to the Beach!

The kiss

Bumpkin, her sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy), and I were enjoying a quiet morning in our apartment.  We were watching TV, and we were looking at a beach.  Neither of the sisters had ever seen such a thing. 
"Yo, dummy," said Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.
"Is there anything like that around here?"
"Sure.  The ocean isn't very close, but we live near Lake Ontario."
"Is there a beach there?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good, we're going," declared Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.
"Great idea, Mistress Bumpkin," I said.  I'll pack lunch and other things we might need: like sunscreen."
"What is sunscreen?" asked Bumpkin.
"Well, it's not something you, Sloopy, and Lucinda need to worry about, because your skin is covered with fur, which protects you from the sun's harmful rays.  But people, like me, really need to put it on, so, hopefully, we won't get skin cancer."
"Whatever.  Hurry up.  We're all ready to go," said Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am."  I got off my duff and got busy.  I packed a nice lunch for all of us and I didn't forget the sunscreen.  Then I took off my pajamas so I could change into my swimsuit.  While I was completely naked, the door to the bathroom opened.  Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy were all staring at  my nude body.  Then they all began to laugh hysterically.
Bumpkin briefly stopped laughing long enough to ask, "What the heck is that thing dangling between your legs?"
"First of all, Bumpkin, it's not nice to open the bathroom door, without knocking first, when someone is in there.  And that 'thing' is called a penis."
They all laughed harder now.  Sloopy and Lucinda were rolling around on the floor.
"First of all, dummy, I do whatever I want, whenever I want to, and if you  have a problem with that, I'll hit your little penis with a fireball," replied Bumpkin, which led to more laughter.  Tears of joy were streaming down the faces of Sloopy and Lucinda.
"Yes, ma'am."
"It is so ugly," said Bumpkin.
"Even though it is a part of me, I simply must agree with you.  I think penises are ugly too."
"What the heck do you do with that thing?" asked Bumpkin.
"Well, I use it to go pee pee, and it also can be used to make babies."
"How?  How does that thing make babies?"
I sighed heavily.  "I'll tell you on the way to the beach, okay?"  Holy cow.  I don't have any kids, so I never thought I'd have to explain to anyone where babies come from.  I certainly never fathomed that I'd need to explain it to a groundhog.  I never signed up for that: no, sir.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tickle Party!

I believe these groundhogs were born this past winter around here.

"Listen up, everybody," announced Bumpkin to her sisters (Sloopy & Lucinda) and I.  "We are going to have a tickle party, and it begins right now!"  She took off and flew toward me.  Next thing I knew, she was tickling me with her paws.
I giggled like a schoolgirl.   She was moving all around me, while levitated, and tickling various parts of my body.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight in unison, then they scampered toward me and began to tickle my ankles and lower legs, because they have none of Bumpkin's superpowers, so they can only tickle parts of me they can reach from the floor.
In between giggles, I said, "Hey!  This isn't fair!  Everyone's tickling me!"
"Whoever said life was fair, buster?" Bumpkin asked, as she continued to tickle me.
What could I say?  She was right; life isn't always fair.  So I bent down and began to tickle Lucinda's belly.  She giggled, stopped tickling me, and lay down on the floor, where she rolled around.  I tickled her belly continuously.  She was laughing so hard, that tears began streaming down her cute little face.  Meanwhile, Bumpkin found my biggest weakness (tickle-wise): my armpits.  She tickled them mercilessly using her superpowers.  In fact, she took a break to get a snack and watch some of Groundhog Day (again!) while using her powers to tickle all 3 of us.  I could have pointed out to her that she was cheating, but she had just told me that life isn't fair, and she hates to repeat herself.  After all, I alone am the one responsible for the dark netherworld bestowing those powers upon her as a result of coming up with the perfectly cute name for a perfectly cute groundhog.  It just goes to show that even a schmuck like me can alter the course of history.  If, as she plans to, she wrests control of the world from humans, then at least part of the blame (or credit) lies with me. 
Bumpkin, while enjoying a feast of wheatgrass, intensified her tickle attack against me.  Not only was she tickling my armpits, she was also tickling my sides, belly, and back.  I succumbed and got onto the floor.  I was giggling and rolling around on the floor uncontrollably.  She was also using her powers to tickle Sloopy and Lucinda in a major way.  All we could do was roll around and laugh.  If this was a competition, then Bumpkin was clearly the winner.  Although, they say that laughter is good for the soul, and I believe it.  So perhaps we all won that day.
By the way, as the photo I posted this week shows, we've got a couple of new juvenile groundhogs around here this spring.  Because of their coloring, I think they might be Lucinda's girls.  Welcome to Rochester, little ones!

Bumpkin Industries

Lucinda's gettin' some sun.

We here at the newly-formed Bumpkin Industries want to be the answer to all your Bumpkin needs: now and forever.  Please allow me to introduce myself.  I go by the name the Bald Vegan on this blog, but I'm currently merely vegetarian and not eating cheese, pizza, ice cream, and anything that has egg in it.  My downfall lately has been milk chocolate: especially Reese's peanut butter cups.
But I digress, I am the vice-president of Bumpkin Industries.  The president, and CEO, of Bumpkin Industries is a groundhog named Bumpkin.  Those of you who are in the know understand how a groundhog could run a multinational corporation while planning an attack on the humans for control of the world.  You see, she's got these superpowers...
The sky is the limit for Bumpkin Industries.  As long as we can get off our lazy duffs enough, Bumpkin Industries is liable to become an industry leader in the world of industry.  Please walk with us, hand by hand, into the cornucopia that is the future.
In Bumpkin's infinite wisdom, the full range of Bumpkin-inspired paraphernalia with ultimately unfold right before everyone's eyes.
"Hey, schmucko.  Did you get a date yet?"  Bumpkin asked me.
"No," I had to admit.
"Hey, Lucinda and Sloopy, he's been sending a poop-load of messages to human women on Plenty of Fish, and no one's even responded to any of them."
All 3 groundhog sisters laughed.
"I'll get a date, Bumkpin.  You'll see."
"Yeah, right.  If I use my superpowers to help you, maybe you could get a date.  But without the use of superpowers, forget it buster brown!"
"I don't like the way this is going.  Now I'm worried that you'll use your superpowers against me, to keep me from getting a date.  I just can't win around here."
"Stop crying, you big baby.   You're like over 40 years older than me; grow up already."
"Sorry, Bumpkin.  You're right."
"If you want, I could use my powers to get you a date.  I can turn women into brain-dead zombies that will obey your every command."
"That sounds nice, Bumpkin, but I'd like to get dates on my own steam."
"Have it your way.  It could take years for you to get a date: good luck, buster."
"Thanks Bumpkin."

Holy Asteroids, Part Deux: Kickin' Asteroids.

This is Lucinda on St. Patrick's Day 2013.

Once we had packed snacks and water for the trip, Bumpkin created the life-sustaining bubble of the sort we usually use for space travel.  As usual, it will provide us with all the protection we may require: both as an outer tough wall while effortlessly maintaining the Earthly balance of gases, temperatures, and climates that we Earthlings are used to.
We took off.  We pretty much teleported right into orbit.  It's the kind of speed that Bumpkin can work with; she's amazing.  Especially when you consider that she's a groundhog; although, she's also the possessor of some of the most incredible superpowers to be bestowed upon anyone: let alone a groundhog.
Phoosh!  Bumpkin fired one of her fireballs of destruction at a nearby asteroid: direct hit!  It exploded into tiny pebbles: success!  The resulting fragments were clearly too small to ever do any damage to Mother Earth.  Bumpkin saw the results, and in the next moment, she hit another asteroid with a fireball.  It also detonated into pebbles.  She was gettin' some real work done, yes sir.  When nobody else can do nuthin' about it, sometimes the strong need to step up and mind the stopgap.  Pow!  A third asteroid was reduced to rubble by Miss Bumpy.
"Look at that big-ass one," Bumpkin told us.  We looked at the gigantic asteroid she was pointing at with her left front paw.  It was far away, a safe distance, but it was massive.  It was more than a city killer; it looked like a country killer.  Bumpkin flung a huge fireball at the mammoth asteroid.  It took a few seconds to get there; then it tore that humongous asteroid apart with a spectacular explosion.
"You nipped it in the bud, Bumpkin," I said.
"Of course.  That used to be a giant space rock that's just gonna keep floating around in space: always posing a future threat.  Now, thanks to one of my specially-tailored fireballs, it's nothing but billions and billions of tiny, practically weightless pebbles."
"On behalf of all Earthlings, please accept our heartfelt thanks.'
"Yeah.  That and 5 bucks will get me a coffee at Starbucks."
"Should I try to get out the word that you did this?"
"Do whatever you want to do.  Just realize that if you tell people a talking groundhog destroyed some asteroids today with fireballs that came out of her left front paw, then be my guest.  They'd just think you're loony tunes."    

Holy Asteroids!

Bumpkin was very young in this one.

"Phooey!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm tired of hearing about all these darn near misses with asteroids or meteors, or whatever the heck they're called!  Since, as usual, no one else is stepping up to do anything about it, I'll have to put in some time!  Who wants to come with me to reduce some asteroids to rubble?"
Sloopy and Lucinda cheered; I did not.
"You're going too, buster," Bumpkin said to me.
"Wow.  All of a sudden: deja vu."
"If all humans are as unappreciative as you are, then you all shall deserve to be slaughtered big time when I finally make my big move.  I'm taking you safely through space; not even Micheal Jordan can do that."
"I am so glad and grateful I've been to the moon, Mars, and Uranus.  I especially liked Uranus."
"I like Uranus too," Bumpkin replied.   We all had a good chuckle.
"I'm just tired of wearing adult diapers and pooping myself during bowel-wrenching space travel."
"Speak for yourself, poopypants.  It doesn't bother my bowels at all."
"With all due respect, Madame Bumpkin, you have very powerful forces protecting you and giving you a multitude of superpowers.  I bet you don't even feel pain."
"What is pain?"
"Something you don't feel.  And you're probably lucky to not feel it; especially since you have rapid automatic self-healing powers. "
"Yes, it's good to be me; for I shall be king of the world soon," said Bumpkin.
"Well, they say that the meek shall inherit the Earth."
"Who the heck says that?"
"People."
"That figures.  Lots of people are dumb."
"I must admit you are correct.  And the fact that you, who's a groundhog, said such a truism is all the more astonishing."
"Carpe diem.  Now, let's go bust up some asteroids!"
This time, we all cheered.  Why not?  It did sound like fun, and I'm sure we'd be safe, but I'm worried I'll poop my pants again.  What the heck?  I'll make it a personal challenge.  My goal is a noble one; I wish to not poop my pants today. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

I've Been to Uranus!

Take me to Uranus, and let me play among the stars.

Once again, thanks to Bumpkin, and adult diapers, I did not soil my car seat as we traveled to Uranus.  We don't need the car.  I don't start it up or anything.  It's all under Bumpkin's control, and she essentially teleported my car, her, Sloopy, Lucinda (Bumpkin's sisters), and I to Uranus.  I checked my watch, it took 42 seconds for us to travel to Uranus.
Uranus is a barren, godforsaken planet.  There was no sign of life.  It was freakin cold until Bumpkin turned up the heat in the temporary life-supporting bubble that she creates for us every time we travel through space.
"Ah, Bumpkin, could you change me?"
"Look buster, I told you.  I've changed you for the last time.  The adult diapers were my brilliant idea.  After that, I hereby retired from changing your poopy drawers. "
"I know, but it would be so easy with your powers."
"You've got 2 hands, buster.  Change yourself," Bumpkin suggested.
"Yes, ma'am.  Where's the diaper bag?"
"You didn't bring it?"
"No, Miss Bumpkin."
"Well, I didn't bring it.  It's not my responsibility; it's yours."
"Oh great.  I guess I can't change now."
"You got no one to blame but yourself.  Hey!  Sloopy!  Lucinda!  He pooped in his pants, and he forgot his diaper bag!"  Bumpkin said.
Sloopy and Lucinda laughed hard and loudly.  Soon, all 3 groundhog sisters were rolling around, their little bodies racked with laughter, on the surface of Uranus.
Bumpkin stopped laughing long enough to say, "Didn't you have that big-ass burrito yesterday?"
"Yes," I had to admit.
Now the sisters were convulsed with laughter.  I don't care that I'm the butt (no pun intended) of the joke.  I just love hearing my girls laugh: on Uranus to boot. 
We explored Uranus.  Bumpkin took some geological samples that she intended to test.  Who knows?  Perhaps Bumpkin will build a colony for animals or humans on Uranus.  She has so much power and imagination.  She's capable of fixing nearly every imaginable, and conceivable, problem.  I'm so lucky to have her as a friend.  I just wish she'd change me and remember to bring the diaper bag.

I've Been to Mars!

Bumpkin got us to Mars in 35 seconds flat.

"Who wants to go to Mars?" is how it started.  Who asked that bold question?  Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda cheered: I did not.
"You're going too buster," Bumpkin informed me.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  I don't want to give her any more reasons to launch any more fireballs at my backside.  She has toasted my buns.
"You know what to do," Bumpkin said to me.
"Put on an adult diaper."
"Exactly."
"Will do, Mistress Bumpkin."
"Although, this time, we'll be travelling in your car.  My hope is that you won't want to soil the seat of your own car, so maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to hold it in and not poop your pants, for a change, during space travel."
"We shall see my princess."
"And pack some food, Jackamoe."
"Yes ma'am."
When we were all ready, we went downstairs and got into my car.  I've driven Bumpkin around quite a bit, but I think that's the first time I ever had all 3 of the sisters in my car at once.  It might be the first time I ever had Sloopy and Lucinda in my car.  Holy crap!  I better bring some sort of a litter box: even if it's just a temporary one.  I don't know how long it will take us to get to Mars, but knowing Bumpkin, and how her superpowers just keep getting stronger and stronger, it probably won''t take us long.  She pretty much has the power of teleportation, so I estimate my car will be landing in Mars about 42 seconds after the Ford Escort is launched: perhaps sooner, but certainly not later that that.
Yes, I checked my watch, and it took us 35 seconds.   Bumpkin has, as usual, manufactured an environment for us within an invisible bubble that allows us to breath and function as we normally do.  They're right; it is red.  It's definitely red.  It's also dusty and rocky balboa. 
"I want a freaking sandwich," Bumpkin declared.
Why the heck not?  Right now, Lebron James is the toast of the town.  First of all, he's no Michael Jordan, he may be one day, but he certainly isn't yet.  The point is, let's see Lebron safely transport a Ford Escort to Mars from the Earth (obviously) in 35 seconds.
By the way, I didn't poop my pants this time!

Bumpkin Ate Human Flesh!

This groundhog likes the taste of human flesh.

I came home one fine day.  After saying hi to Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy, who were watching Groundhog Day again (How many times have they seen it?  I lost count, but it's well over 100 times for sure.), I changed into my pajamas and slippers.  Then I went to the fridge to get some cold water.  I opened the door, and there it was: a human head!  I screamed like a little girl.  I couldn't help it.  Then I heard it: laughter.  Bumpkin, Sloopy, and Lucinda were laughing their little groundhog heads off.  I slammed the fridge door shut and marched to their bedroom.
"What have you done this time, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Hey, watch your tone, buster!  I'll forgive you this time, because you screaming like that is the funniest thing I ever heard!"  She cracked up laughing, and she was joined by Sloopy and Lucinda.
"It's not funny, Bumpkin.  I assume you killed that guy.  You're going to get us into big trouble."
"The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  If they want to come after me, they know where to find me.  Anyone seeking vengeance against me will suffer a similar fate."
"Where's the rest of him?"
"We ate him," replied Bumpkin.
"Wow.  How did he taste?"
"Pretty darn good."
"I don't really have a problem with you guys eating human flesh.  After all, people eat all kinds of animals.  Who am I to say that animals shouldn't eat people?  How did this all happen?"
"There was a knock at the door.  I ignored it.  Then I heard the door unlocking and opening."
"Uh-oh," I said.
"As I was saying, I heard someone come into the apartment.  So I came out to investigate.  This guy was standing there.  He just stared at me like a big dummy.  I knew I had to snuff him, but I didn't want to make a mess in the apartment."
"Thank you."
"So I used my powers to open the window and screen.  I tossed him outside the window, and kept him suspended in midair.  Then I separated his head from his body.  I let the blood drain out of his head, then I put it in the fridge as a joke for you to find."
"Good one.  You got me."
"Obviously.  Then I burned his clothes off with a fireball.  And then I cooked him with another fireball at 400 degrees for about an hour.  He was delicious."
"Excuse me for a moment please," I said to the sisters.  I walked back into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  Sure enough, I recognized the man.  He was one of the maintenance workers at the apartment complex.  Poor bastard.  He was just trying to do his job.

Day of the Groundhog

The day of the groundhog is approaching.

This is what the future will be like.  Groundhogs, thanks to Bumpkin, will rule the Earth.  They will all be free to do whatever they want, whenever they want.  No longer shall they run and hide in fear from humans.  They will all be free to graze, walk, sit on their butts, and fornicate wherever they wish to do so.  Their time is coming.  As Bumpkin said, humans have had their chance, and now it's the groundhogs' turn.
One of Bumpkin's plans is to free all the animals that are being imprisoned in zoos.  The cages won't go to waste though.  Bumpkin will fill them with all different kinds of humans.  In this cage, you'll see a UPS guy.  In the next, you'll find a plumber.  Then you'll come across a police officer and so on.  The zoos will be open to all species of animals: as long as they can behave themselves.  And by behave themselves, Bumpkin means they better not attack any other animals who are trying to enjoy the human zoo, or they will have to answer to her.
Bumpkin feels connected to all the animals of the world.  It seems possible that groundhogs will enjoy preferential treatment though.  They will all certainly enjoy her protection.  For instance, I wouldn't want to trade places with a dog that has attacked a groundhog.  In the new order, violence will be met with violence.  It makes sense to me.  That's why I don't go around attacking animals or people.  If I commit violence against another sentient being, then, logically, I can expect some violence to come my way.
Bumpkin won't tolerate any violence whatsoever.  There will be no valid excuses.  All living earthlings, including predators, must become vegans.  She'll give you 2 choices: become vegan or be eradicated.  She's seen enough of animals ripping each other apart on the Discovery Channel.  It grosses her out and makes her sick.  She won't allow anyone to eat any eggs either.  Those eggs were meant to hatch: not be eaten by some fat ass.  Milk products will also be a no-no.  Cow's milk, obviously, exists to feed their calves, and in the future, it will.  No longer will humans tug at cow's udders or use machines to do it.  Anyone who persists in this sort of behavior will be wiped from the face of the Earth.
Will Bumpkin alter the natural order of things here on Earth?  Absolutely.  Will overpopulation be a problem?  I don't think so.  Based on what I've seen, there seems to be no limit to her superpowers; they just keep getting stronger every day.  I think she has the ability to send plants and animals to other planets, solar systems, and universes.  Whenever it becomes too crowded on Earth, she'll just send more people, animals, and plants to other planets and moons.  And there, with Bumpkin's assistance, they will thrive. 
Change is coming.  Get ready for it.