Bumpkin Apologized

Go ahead and take a break; you earned it.

She's a little rough around the edges, she has the necessary power to fiercely battle all the world's militaries simultaneously, but she's a real sweetheart.  She apologized for hitting me in the backside with one of her fireballs, which always emanate from her left front paw. 
"I'm sorry I hit you in the butt with a fireball," she said.
"Oh, Mistress Bumpkin, thank you so much.  That means so much to me," I replied with teary eyes.  It really did.  I love it when she's not mad at me; when I don't really have to worry about being deep-sixed by a groundhog.
She stood on her hind paws.  "Give me a hug," she said.
"Gladly, Madame Bumpkin, gladly," I replied.  We hugged.  It was great.  "You know I love you, Lady Bumpkin."
"I know you do," she replied.
"And I want to be with you for as long as I can."
"I know."
"Whatever I need to do to prove my worth to you; I will do."
"You'll try; I don't know if you'll succeed."
I got down on one knee in front of Bumpkin.  "Ms. Bumpkin, I hereby pledge my everlasting loyalty to you: now and forever."
"What is this crapola?"
"I'll always be on your side.  We'll always be each other's firsts.  You're my first groundhog friend, and I'm your first human friend."
"You're my only human friend.  I won't be making any more human friends; especially since I'll be slaughtering millions of them every darn day come spring."
"It will be a bloody spring indeed.  Please remember, as I've said before, friends don't kill friends."
"Don't you try to tell me who I shouldn't kill!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am."
"If you don't want me to kill you, then you should be begging me for opportunities to practice your marvelous groundhog massage technique on my body."
"Yes!  Thanks for reminding me!  Would you like a massage right now, Princess Bumpkin?"
"No, I mentioned it because I don't want a massage." 
I began to rub her little shoulders.  "I know when you're being sarcastic.  Just relax and enjoy the ride."

Bumpkin!

Peek-a-boo!  I see you!

I can't believe it!  The inevitable finally happened.  Bumpkin hit me in the ass with a fireball!  She ruined a perfectly good pair of jeans in the process.  At least it wasn't one of her lethals, she just wanted to make a point I guess.  To remind me that she merely tolerates me, and she could take me out anytime, and she can.
By the way, Bumpkin has given up completely on her clone, who looks just like her but has none of the special abilities and superpowers that Bumpkin has.  Bumpkin has kicked her out of my apartment; she must hibernate in the family hole: like a normal groundhog.  This is a good thing; it was crowded enough in here with me and 3 groundhogs.  I'm worried that she'll keep cloning herself until she gets the result she wants though.
Back to the butt burning though.  I must admit that I can be a surly sort.  It's part of the reason why I choose to live alone (I didn't ask Bumpkin and her sisters, Lucinda and Sloopy, to spend the winter hibernating in my apartment; Bumpkin made that decision for me.).  I need to have a place where I can get away and be alone: my home.  I came home from work one day, and I wasn't a happy camper; it was just one of those days (Don't take it personal.).  I walked down the hallway to the bathroom.  I turned my head, glanced into the bedroom, and saw it: groundhog poop.  One of my roomies had missed the kitty litter box by a few inches.  When I first moved in to this apartment, I was glad to have wall-to-wall carpeting.  I've since reconsidered.  Whoever made the choice to install light-colored carpeting into these apartments is a real pain in my ass (No pun intended.).  I wipe my feet so thoroughly before I enter my unit; it makes me feel like more of a nutcase than I usually do.  It doesn't matter; when you have light-colored carpeting, stains will come out of the woodwork.  If I ever buy carpeting, it will either be dark brown or black.  Black is an especially good choice because it is a combination of all the colors.  Therefore, theoretically, whatever you drop onto it will be absorbed by the blackness of it.
So I see groundhog poop on the carpet, and I see red.  I knew Bumpkin didn't do it, because she taught herself to use the toilet shortly after moving in to my unit.  Sometimes she forgets to clean her fur off the toilet seat, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.  Even though I know Bumpkin can be very protective of her sisters, I couldn't help it.
"Who pooped on the carpet?!" I yelled.  Then I felt it: the fireball hitting my backside.  Whoo!  It burned.  I ran into the bathroom, turned on the cold water, and splashed it all over my butt.  I took off the pants; they were toast.  There was just a little hole burned into my skivvies: no need to trash them.  That was enough of a warning for me.  I dropped the issue entirely.  And Bumpkin, to her credit, levitated the errant poop, and tossed it out of a window.  She even cleaned the stain.   Though I never found out who missed the kitty litter box; I suppose it doesn't matter.
         

Bumpkin Got Drunk

This is Gracie: one of our beloved neighbors.

I came home from work and immediately went to the fridge to get a beer.  It had been that sort of a day.  I knew I had 6 of them in there, but now there were none.  There was only one explanation: Bumpkin.  I marched straight to my bedroom, which has been taken over by 3 groundhogs: Bumpkin and her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda.  Sure enough, once again, they were watching Groundhog Day.  Well, only Bumpkin was watching it this time.  Sloopy and Lucinda were fast asleep among the empty beer cans.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She used her superpowers to lift the can, which was too large to be held by her paws, to her lips.  She took a sip.  Then she saw me.
"What is this stuff?  It's good." she said to me.
"It's beer, Bumpkin.  And I was hoping I'd be able to have some.  Now I'll have to go out and get some more if I want to have any."
"We do need more of it.  I feel like going for a ride anyway."
So we walked to my car, I opened the door for her, and she hopped in.  We were off to the store.  It didn't take us long to get there.
"I'll be right back," I said to her before going inside to purchase more beer.
"I'm going with," she replied.
Great.  I'm trying to maintain a low profile, because I'm with Bumpkin, who is planning to start a war (groundhogs vs. humans) for control of the world, and now I must walk into a supermarket with her.
"OK, Bumpkin.  But please don't kill anyone."
"If anyone disrespects me, or my sisters, there will be blood."
"But Bumpkin, it's bad enough when you're sober.  You've been drinking.  Alcohol impairs one's abilities."
"Not mine," she replied.  "Watch this."  She stood on her hind legs in the parking lot and promptly flung one of her fireballs of destruction from her left front paw at a flying seagull.  It was close, but she missed the bird.  Bumpkin was so confident in her abilities that she didn't even look to see if the fireball found its target.  "See?"
"Ah, Bumpkin, you missed."
"What?!"  She looked at the bird, who was still soaring.  "Holy crap!  I never miss!"  She fired another fireball.  This time, it hit the seagull, who burst into flames.  The poor thing continued to fly for as long as she could before crashing and burning.  "That beer must have made me miss.  This beer is no good!  Take me to it!"
"Now, Bumpkin, take it easy.   Please don't start any trouble."
"Just take me to the darn beer!"
"Yes, ma'am."  I can't argue with her when she's like this.  I took her to the beer section.  'This is it," I said to her.
She looked around a little before firing several fireballs at the store's beer stock.  People screamed and ran when they heard the explosions and saw the flames.  Cans of beer were exploding.  Bottles of beer were shattering.  She didn't stop until all the beer had been destroyed.
"You did it, Bumpkin.  You destroyed all of it," I said.
"Yeah, in this store.  Now let's go to the next one."
"Bumpkin, you can't destroy all the beer!  There's too much of it, and it's all over the place.  And that's not the only kind of alcohol either.  There's wine and liquor too."  Then it hit me: an idea.  "You want to take control of the world, right?"
"You know I will."
"Well, then, let the humans drink alcohol and impair their abilities and their health.  This will make them easier to defeat."
"You made a pretty good point: for a human."
So we went home and I never got to drink any beer that day. 

Bumpkin Did It

She did it again; she destroyed stuff.

Once I stepped into my apartment, I knew something was wrong.  It was way too cold.  I immediately went to my, or, perhaps I should say, the bedroom of my 3 groundhogian guests: Sloopy, Lucinda, and, of course, Bumpkin, who has superpowers that were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld.  I looked inside the bedroom and soon noticed the source of my home's extreme frigidity: the window had been busted.  It looked like something went right through the window and the screen.  Not surprisingly, the screen was bent outward, leaving me to believe that the source of the damage had come from within and most likely; it was Bumpkin.  Also not surprisingly, the sisters were watching Groundhog Day (again!).
"And just what the heck happened to that window?"
"You better not be talking to me like that," said Bumpkin.  "I'd hate to see you end up like that freaking window!"
"No, Mistress Bumpkin, I was talking to Sloopy and Lucinda.  If you're offended again, then please allow me to apologize to you again."
"You sure got a smart mouth, mister.  I'd hate to launch a fireball at it from my left front paw."
"Is that what happened to the window?  Was it one of your fireballs?"
"Of course."
"Why, pray tell, did you destroy the window and the screen with a fireball?"
"There was a bird outside who was making so much noise.  I warned him telepathically to quit it or go away, but he, for whatever reason, did not heed my warning.  The next logical step, everyone can agree, is to immediately fling a fireball of destruction from your left paw at the offender."
"Did you get him?"
"But of course.  He's really just a piece of toast at this point."
"OK, Madame Bumpkin, but, in the future, could you please open the window and the screen if you must launch a fireball?  And I'd appreciate it very much if you could try to limit your fireball deployment as much as possible.  It could bring unwanted attention to this apartment."
"Let them come!  I am ready.  Maybe that's how the last great war, that of the humans vs. the groundhogs, will come to pass.  They'll come after us, and we'll, well, I don't know about "we'll."  I won't get much help physically at all.  The average groundhog wouldn't do very well in combat against the average human.  It's looking like I'll have to do all the fighting for my side.  Sloopy and Lucinda will provide moral support.  They will keep my spirits up.  They'll remind me that I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm also doing it for all the world's groundhogs.  We will rule this planet!" 
"That's great Miss Bumpkin, but we need to do something about this window.  It's freezing in here!"
"No it isn't.  It's comfy."
"For you and your sisters maybe.  You're all covered in fur!  What about me?  I'm bald!  Please fix it Ms. Bumpkin." 
"OK, just a sec."  The damaged screen and window were immediately jettisoned from the building.  They were completely incinerated by one of Bumpkin''s fireballs before they could hit the ground.  Then a window and screen from the apartment directly across the way from ours detached from that unit and flew over to replace ours.
"Thanks, Bumpkin.  But that wasn't very neighborly."
"I told you.  I don't care about things like being neighborly.  I welcome any and all humans to challenge me in a duel to the death.  Groundhogs have been under the thumb of humans for far too long.  Here is as good a place as any for the revolution to begin.  Viva Las Marmotas!"    

Bumpkin Bumpkin

Bumpkin's on the D.L.

Bumpkin has really done it this time.  While I was at work, She cloned herself!  This is how I found out; "Hi Mistress Bumpkin.  How was your day?"
"OK,  I cloned myself."
"Gad-zoinks!"
"What the heck is gad-zoinks?"
"It's nothing.  I was so shocked that the only thing that could come out of my mouth initially was nonsense.  It's not a word.  What the freak happened?"
"Hey!  I don't know how many times I've told you, but don't you ever take an attitude with me!  You've seen what I can do after all!"
That threat got my attention.  I've seen her slaughter other animals and people mostly using her superpowers, which were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld, and her razor-sharp claws.  She's a groundhog, but she quite possibly is the deadliest sentient being this Earth has ever seen: even more than Michael Myers or Stalin.
"Sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"Nice try."
"Excuse me, my mistress?"
"You'd better watch it.  I'm onto your methods.  Whenever I'm mad at you, you try to plant a dance song into my head, so I'll play it and dance to it and forget about being mad at you.  In this case it's "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory, is it not?"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am.  But what about this clone of yours?  Please tell me more, madame.
"She's a perfect clone if you leave out the part about her having none of my superpowers."
"Wow."
"Yes, wow indeed.  But it's really sucky.  I've been trying to teach her stuff, but she's not catching on very well at all.  I'm losing patience."
"Please don't lose your patience, ma'am.  Bad things happen when you lose your patience."
"You think I don't know that, tampon bag?"
I laughed.
"What the heck is so funny mister?!"
"I'm sorry Miss Bumpkin, but I think the insult you're looking for might be douche bag: not tampon bag!"
"You're such an idiot!  I said tampon bag on purpose because I'm always keeping things fresh: not stale.  I tweaked it for her pleasure.  That's what she said.  Give me a freaking break, I'm on a roll!"
"Once again, I'm sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  You're always at least a step ahead of the rest of us."
"If there are other people as dumb as you, then it's a lot more than one step ahead; that's for sure!"
"Touche, madame Bumpkina."
"What is this Bumpkina?  Foolish is the fool that mocks me or my sisters."
"I'm not mocking you, ma'am: I never would.  I just changed your name around a little bit: just for funsies."
"OMG, you are such a freaking geek!"

Bumpkin's Favorite Movies

This photo accurately shows what Bumpkin's butt looked like in the recent past.

Ladies, gentlemen, and groundhogs, Mistress Bumpkin, for your pleasure, and hers, has compiled a list of her very most favorite movies to peruse. They are Groundhog Day, The Godfather, Jaws, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Raging Bull, The Aviator (2004), Halloween (1978), The Omen (1976), Dawn of the Dead (1978 & 2004, but she likes the 1978 version better), 28 Days Later, Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, A Clockwork Orange, Dead Alive, Joe Versus the Volcano, Big, The Best of Times, The Shining (1980), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, The Straight Story, Courage Under Fire, Affliction, Box of Moonlight, Raising Arizona, Miller's Crossing, Fargo, Office Space, Manhattan, Bananas, Sleeper, Love and Death, Bullets Over Broadway, Play It Again Sam, Casino Royale (2006), Predator, Raw Deal, The Terminator, Commando, Die Hard, Drugstore Cowboy, Barfly, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, The Road Warrior, Road House, Pootie Tang, Godfather Part II, Crash (1996), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Witness, The Fugitive, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Seven, American Beauty, Glengarry Glen Ross, Sin City, Welcome to the Doll House, Happiness, Goodfellas, Spider-Man (2002), Frailty, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Barry Lyndon, Taxi Driver, The Train (1965), Kiss of Death (1995), Scarface (1983), Pink Floyd-The Wall, Blow Out (1981), Runaway Train, Wall Street, U Turn, Any Given Sunday, JFK, Infernal Affairs, Fulltime Killer, Avalon (1990), Psycho (1960), North by Northwest, Meet the Parents, Along Came Polly, Wedding Crashers, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Club Dread, You, Me, and Dupree, There's Something About Mary, Bound, The Matrix, Apocalypto, Braveheart, This Boy's Life, Passion of the Christ, North Face, Carrie (1976), Zoolander, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Caddyshack, Star Wars: Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith, The Jerk, The Last Waltz, Night of the Living Dead, Zombieland, The Social Network, The Dark Knight, Batman and Robin, Batman Forever, Batman, Batman Returns, Blade, Daredevil, Donnie Darko, Return of the Dragon, Game of Death, Shaolin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle, Spun, Manhunter, Heat, Minority Report, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Deliverance, Midnight Cowboy, Fido, Planet of the Apes (1968), Rosemary's Baby, Clear and Present Danger, The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Das Boot, The Perfect Storm, King Kong (2005), Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Aliens, The Assassination of Richard Nixon, The Prestige, and Tin Cup.
These are her favorite TV shows: Hill Street Blues, 30 Rock, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Reno 911, NBC Nightly News, Get a Life, Three's Company, The Brady Bunch, Chips, Justified, Cops, Jail, Dateline, 20/20, 60 Minutes, Dog the Bounty Hunter, The Soup, Gangland, Talk Soup, and To Catch a Predator.
She and I have a lot in common.

Bumpkin's Favorite Actors

Bumpkin plays favorites.

As I feared she would, Bumpkin has forced me to order digital cable.  She made me join Netflix too.  At least she's paying for it.  All she needs to do is use her superpowers to extract money from wallets and purses of my neighbors or people passing by.  Then the money floats toward my apartment building, and ultimately slips under my front door.  It's easy as pie for her to do that. 
Bumpkin has really been catching up on many of the movies and TV shows she missed before she became aware of the boob tube.  As she hibernates/plans to take over the world from humans, she watches plenty of TV.  She likes a lot of actors: Daniel Day-Lewis, Robert De Niro, Robert Duvall, Mickey Rourke, Billy Bob Thornton, Sam Rockwell, Walton Goggins, Timothy Olyphant, Jeremy Davies, Alec Baldwin, Sean Penn, Kal Penn, Ryan Reynolds, Simon Pegg, James Woods, Dennis Quaid, Denzel Washington, Matt Dillon, Martin Short, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, Nicolas Cage, Tom Hanks, Russel Crowe, Robert Downey Jr., Kirk Douglas, Steve McQueen, Mel Gibson, Jason Statham, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Kevin Costner, Patrick Swayze, Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Gary Oldman, James Franco, Willem Dafoe, Tom Berenger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Jason Alexander, Daniel J. Travanti, Dennis Franz, Michael Conrad, Bruce Weitz, James Sikking, Charles Haid, Michael Warren, Taurean Blacque, Kiel Martin, Rene Enriquez, Ken Olin, Jeffrey Tambor, Al Pacino, John Cusack, Ryan Phillippe, Jude Law, Justin Long, Michael Keaton, Woody Allen, Woody Harrelson, Adam West, William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Leonardo Dicaprio, Alec Guinness, Andy Lau, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Aidan Quinn, Anthony Quinn, Gabriel Byrne, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gene Hackman, Bruce Campbell, Bruce Lee, Bill Paxton, Roy Scheider, C. Thomas Howell, John Ritter, Clint Eastwood, Lee Majors, Jim Carrey, Alan Alda, Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci, Mr. T, Nick Nolte, James Coburn, Burgess Meredith, John Lithgow, Anthony Perkins, Paul Newman, Eric Roberts, and David Caruso.
She likes actors based on acting ability, funniness, and charisma.  When it comes to actresses, she likes very talented ones (Meryl Streep, Faye Dunaway), ones that are talented and especially pretty (Angela Bassett, Reese Witherspoon, Veronica Hamel), ones that are funny and very pretty (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, Jennifer Aniston), but mostly ones that are "cute" (Elizabeth Banks, Eva Mendes, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Garner, Sandra Bullock, Alicia Silverstone, Alyson Hannigan, Amy Adams, Suzanne Somers, Alicia Witt, Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Ashley Judd).
Amazing.  I agree with all of the above!

Bumpkin Loves Metal

The only groundhog metal fan I know of: Bumpkin.

Ever since I played a CD in my home, while Bumpkin was present, she has been a huge fan of music.  She likes many of the same sorts of music I do.  She's a very open-minded music fan who wants to make up for all the lost time: when she was blissfully unaware of the virtues of music.  I'm a nut about my CDs.  I love them, so I handle them very carefully.  I only handle them with clean hands.  People have asked to borrow my CDs, I have a lot of them at this point, and I always wince: whether outwardly, inwardly, or both.  After all, I've taken out plenty of DVDs from the library, and I've seen how badly the discs get all scratched up by people who obviously don't handle discs as carefully as I do.  That's not a problem with Bumpkin though.  She has played many of my CDs, but she has not touched any of them with any part of her body.  She simply uses her superpowers to open the closet doors, slide out the drawers, levitate the selected discs, and put them into and out of the CD player.
It's only natural that Bumpkin likes a lot of what I do.  She's hears my stuff, she's a very recent and very enthusiastic fan of music, so she likes almost everything: including "Call Me Maybe."  I'm not sure if it's called that, but that's in the chorus: big hit.  Sloopy and Lucinda like it too.  I have to admit I like any song that gets all 3 of my groundhog house guests onto the dance floor.  Lucinda can really shake that big butt of hers.
"I like a lot of different sorts of music," said Bumpkin, "but metal is clearly the most superior kind of music I've ever heard.  The energy, the power, and the glory add up to something that other types of music can't compete with.  My favorite band is Kreator; they are off the hook!" 
So far, Bumpkin likes Deep Purple, Prince, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, The Who, Solitude Aeturnus, Tad Morose, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Mercenary, Rage, Rage Against the Machine, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Neil Young, Asia, Samson, Bruce Dickinson, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Hornsby, The Grateful Dead, Helloween, Soilwork, In Flames, Arch Enemy, Mercyful Fate, Overkill, Hirax, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Sarah McLachlan, Heart, The Police, Sting, Queensryche, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, Fates Warning, Metal Church, Colbie Caillat, 3 Inches of Blood, Hall & Oates, George Michael, George Thorogood, The Allman Brothers Band, No Doubt, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Foreigner, Journey, Kenny Loggins, Yes, ELO, Kansas, Boston, The Scorpions, Culture Club, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Robert Cray, BB King, Derek and the Dominos, Cream, Tribuzy, Sepultura, Vader, Thin Lizzy, Armored Saint, Carcass, Entombed, Phil Collins, Genesis, Down, Pantera, The Dixie Chicks, T'Pau, Bad Company, Styx, Annihilator, Exodus, Fleetwood Mac, Blondie, Talking Heads, New Order, Creed, Harem Scarem, Riot, Budgie, The Fray, Snow Patrol, The White Stripes, The Black Keys, The Shins, Wilco, UFO, The Cult, Coldplay, Keane, The Pixies, Helmet, System of a Down, Mastodon, Soundgarden, Blue Oyster Cult, The Band, Robbie Robertson, Switchfoot, Paramore, Immortal, Spineshank, Bloodbath, Nevermore, Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters, Pet Shop Boys, Roxette, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Queen, R.E.M., Acid Bath, Today Is the Day, MGMT, U2, Soul Asylum, Dark Tranquillity, Candlemass, The Killers, Duran Duran, Dio, Judas Priest, Cryptopsy, Vehemence, Rainbow, Rush, Nirvana, The Cranberries, Lamb of God, King Diamond, Suicidal Tendencies, Willie Nelson, 10,000 Maniacs, Jane's Addiction, White Zombie, Venom, The Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, Savatage, Alice Cooper, Kiss, Ratt, .38 Special, Saxon, Dream Theater, P.O.D., Into Eternity, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, CCR, John Mayer, Pavement, Social Distortion, Alice in Chains, sHeavy, The Smithereens, Pestilence, Oasis, Vampire Weekend, Peter Gabriel, Death, Lacuna Coil, Fozzy, Collective Soul, 2pac, Eminem, Jay-Z, Boyz II Men, Tevin Campbell, Marvin Gaye, Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Buckcherry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, ABBA, Aerosmith, Sammy Hagar, Dokken, and Kix.
I think Bumpkin has great taste in music.

I Love My Roomies

The groundhog boys hate to say goodbye to her, but they don't mind watching her walk away.

I've thought long and hard about getting a pet.  I love all animals, and I'm very much aware that many dogs and cats are languishing in shelters.  They all deserve good homes and happy lives.  Unfortunately, I'm allergic to dogs and cats.  Although my cat allergy doesn't seem to be as severe as it used to be.  There are several reasons why I have decided to not get a pet.  First of all, they are not allowed in the apartment I'm currently living in.  Also, I want to be free to do what I want, when I want, without feeling guilty that I'm not giving my pet enough attention.  If I was in a very stable relationship with a woman who also wanted a pet, then it might work out.  If I'm not currently giving the pet attention, then perhaps she will be and vice versa.  Another problem is dealing with the death of a pet.  I've lived with a dog before, and he was like a son to me.  If I were to adopt a dog, and live with he or she for several years, it would devastate me when he or she died.  Or, I could die first, which could send his or her life into turmoil.
Bumpkin, however, has forced 3 pets into my apartment: her 2 sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy) and herself.  The best thing about living with 3 groundhogs is being exposed to their cuteness; the worst thing about it is having to watch the movie Groundhog Day 127 times (so far).  It really is time to buy another TV.  At first I was really concerned about the situation.  When I lived with a dog, I was also living with a woman, and both of us shared the responsibilities of taking care of him.  I had never taken care of 1 pet by myself: let alone 3 of them.  Things got out of control pretty quickly.  Then I remembered Bumpkin's superpowers.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.
"Yes, human.  What is it this time?" she asked.
"I'm not used to living with 3 groundhogs.  There are certain cleanliness issues that have arisen."
"Get to the point.  I don't have all day to listen to your inane ramblings.  I'm plotting my world takeover."
"Of course.  And, please, allow me to say that it is an honor to be spending the winter here with you and your sisters.  Could you possibly, if it isn't too much trouble-"
"Will you freaking say what you want to say already?!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry ma'am.  Could you please use your powers to help me clean the apartment?"
"But of course."  As soon as she said that, 1 of the windows opened.  The cat box, that the sisters use as their restroom, levitated and flew out the window.  It turned upside down.  Before the tainted kitty litter could hit the ground, it was completely incinerated by a fireball that emanated from Bumpkin's left front paw.  Then the litter box returned to the bedroom and the window closed.  The cord for the vacuum cleaner became uncoiled, plugged itself in, and Bumpkin used her powers to vacuum the entire apartment.  The dirty dishes were next.  Bumpkin washed all of them without touching any of them with her paws.
"Satisfactory?" she asked me.
"Absolutely.  Thank you very much, Miss Bumpkin."
"So you don't mind if I return to my plans for world domination?"
"I certainly don't, Miss Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"That sounds familiar.  It's in a song, right/"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Is it 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)' by C & C Music Factory?
"Right again, Miss Bumpkin."
"I like that song.  Play it now."
"Yes, ma'am.  Excellent choice."  And so I did play that song.  And all of us danced together: 3 female groundhogs and myself.  I'm a lucky boy.

Bumpkin on Film

I miss you, Sheila.  Come back if you can.

The 3 groundhog sisters, who are hibernating this winter in my apartment, and I were watching The Matrix on TV.
"Hooey.  I can do anything that dumb human can.  He isn't the one; I am the real one!  What could he do against me?  I bring deadly accurate various-sized fireballs to the table.  I could incinerate him completely before he even knew I didn't like him.  I'm ready too by the way," said Bumpkin.
"What exactly are you ready for Miss Bumpkin?" I asked.
"To take complete control of the Earth from the rule of the humans."
"Wow.  That's pretty good ma'am."
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"No, of course I believe you ma'am, I've seen what you can do.  You're more powerful than Yoda."
"Damn straight," Bumpkin replied.  "Once again, even with Yoda, it could be over as soon as it started.  I could dispatch him with claws, fireballs, or a little of both; it would be my choice."
"That's right ma'am."
"And you don't be condescending to me--"
"Sorry, ma'am--"
"Shut up."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Shut up already!  Don't you know what that means?  Wait!  Don't answer that!  Just literally shut up, you jerk!  And I want to watch Groundhog Day after this!"   As soon as Lucinda and Sloopy heard her say that, they squealed with delight.  The sisters love that movie so much because groundhogs are mentioned several times in the film, and, their personal favorite actor (all 3 of them), Bill Murray, is in it.  Also, at least one groundhog appears in the film, and it's funny.  I've lost track of how many times they've watched it.  I once saw an episode of Cribs in which a rapper had out-Scarfaced quite possibly all or most of the other over-zealous Scarface fans.  Not only did he proudly display Scarface posters and the like, he had set up a TV to play Scarface on a continuous loop: over and over again till forever.  That's what it feels like is happening here.  If not for shows like The Office, 30 Rock, CSI, and ones that involve food (any and all), it could get close to that insane Scarface nonsense.

Hibernation

Bumpkin's Butt

Groundhogs hibernate, and this winter, 3 of them are hibernating in my apartment: Sloopy, Lucinda, and Bumpkin.  Hopefully, it will only be a winter thing.  However, once one has lived indoors, living outdoors presumably loses some of its charm.  Thankfully, groundhogs are small.  I only have 1 bedroom.  I'm glad I bought that futon.  All 3 sisters fit quite comfortably on it.  I'll probably have to buy another TV.  All of us like to watch 30 Rock and The Office, but we don't agree on everything.  Bumpkin likes to watch CSI, Sloopy's favorite show is Dancing with the Stars, and all of them like any show that features food and how to cook or prepare it: especially Lucinda.  I hope that Bumpkin doesn't find out about cable while she's staying here.  I don't have cable.  If she becomes aware of it, I suppose she'll force me to order it, and then I can probably look forward to hours of Food Network channel watching everyday.  I don't like to watch the Food Network.  There is enough temptation out there.  Delicious food is advertised on TV, on the radio, and in magazines.  It might be mentioned in a book you're reading or by a friend at any time.  Intentionally watching scrumptious food on TV is a bad idea in my opinion.  You're liable to make yourself hungry even when you really aren't. 
I'm doing enough shopping and cooking as it is.  The sisters want to try every vegetarian dish they see prepared on TV.  Bumpkin, since she's the only one of the sisters who can write, is always adding foods to the shopping list.  She's also constantly jotting down recipes for me to try.
Groundhog poop has been a problem; as I expected it would.  They were pooping everywhere but the futon.  I doubt I'll get any of my security deposit back when I eventually move.  Although, Bumpkin could help me get every penny of it if she wanted to do so.  After cleaning poop off the carpet many times, I bought some kitty litter and a litter box.  I explained, to Bumpkin, the purpose of these items.  Fortunately, she was receptive to the idea, and she showed her sisters, through example, how to use the litter box.  So things have definitely improved.  But they just eat more and more.  And, obviously, the more they eat, the more they'll poop.  I've never had a cat before.  I'm not used to changing a litter box 8 times a day.  It seems like it's only going to get worse.  
What will happen when they become groundhog adolescents?  Are they going to have several groundhog boys over?  Are they going to have sleepovers with their friends?  What if Bumpkin learns how to use my computer?  Will she be meeting groundhogs on Craigslist?  Will she spend so much time chatting that I'll never get to use my own computer anymore?  Why, oh why, did I cause all of this by naming Bumpkin Bumpkin and subsequently allow the dark netherworld to bestow her superpowers upon her?

Bumpkin Likes to Cuddle

My cuddle buddy: Bumpkin

She really does.  Ever since I told Bumpkin I'd read, in an least 2 psychology books, that touching has great therapeutic benefits, she has insisted that I cuddle with her regularly.  That's fine with me.  It's good for me and it's probably good for her too.  Trust me, it's totally innocent and platonic.  Bumpkin's getting into enough rambunctiousness as it is; I can only wonder how she'll act when she's older, like when she's entered groundhog adolescence.
"Give me a massage," she ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  As instructed, I began to rub her tiny feminine groundhog shoulders (upper).
"Oh, yeah," Bumpkin moaned, "that's good."
"I'm glad your enjoying it, Miss Bumpkin."
"How many groundhogs have you massaged before me?"
As much as I love and respect Bumpkin, that was a heck of a stupid question.  "None, Bumpkin.  You're my first."
"It seems to Bumpkin like you've been doing this your whole life.  You are a great masseuse of groundhogs.  No matter where I go, you will be my personal masseuse.  Or, if I find someone better than you, then you will be the personal masseuse of one of my sisters.  And, of course, should you lose one or both of your hands, I will replace you." 
"That's great news ma'am."
"You don't seem to be as excited as I thought you'd be.  Don't you realize how safe you'll be?  Every human who refuses to submit to my whole world rule will be slaughtered.  There will be tons of carnage.  The resulting bloodbath will make the Civil War look like a picnic."
"Wow.  You know about the Civil War?"
"Of course, I've seen quite a bit of the stuff Ken Burns made about it.  It's very informational.  What it's missing completely is the groundhog perspective on the Civil War.  Make a note: I'm going to make a Civil War documentary that explores the groundhog perspective on the war."
"Yes, ma'am."  I pulled the pad out of my pocket in which I wrote down all of her ideas she told me to write down.  I didn't bother to tell her that most groundhogs don't watch or own televisions, because she'd probably launch an effort to get TVs to groundhogs.  Moreover, I'd probably have to lug TVs all over the place, and I don't know how they'll fit in groundhog's holes.  That's why I didn't open that particular can of worms.
 

Bumpkin's Pumpkins

This is not a pumpkin; this is Bumpkin!

I was driving Bumpkin to a nursery to get some sod for her when she saw it: a pumpkin patch.
"What are those?" she asked me telepathically.
"Pumpkins."
"They are not me.  There is only one Bumpkin, and that's me.  By the way, are you trying to say I'm round and fat like those things?  I hope not: for your sake."
"No, Bumpkin, I meant no disrespect.  I said they're pumpkins: not bumpkins.  They sound the same; they rhyme perfectly, but they are indeed completely different.  Some things sound alike, but it's just a coincidence."
"I like them."  She demonstrated her fondness for the pumpkins by using her superpowers to lift all of them off the ground.  They were now following us.  There must have been over a hundred of them.
"Ah, Bumpkin, what you did with those pumpkins, it's called stealing.  The police have a problem with stealing."
"Am I not the freaking mayor of this poopy city?"
"You sure are, ma'am.  And you're the county executive too, for that matter.  For the record, I have no problem whatsoever with you taking those pumpkins.  But mayors and county executives aren't allowed to just take whatever they want without paying for them."
"Why didn't you tell me they needed to be paid for?  Consider it done."  Right after she said that, I saw wallets and purses flying out of windows of the cars in front of me.  I looked around and saw it was happening behind us too.  Bumpkin used her powers to extract the cash from the wallets and purses and send it to the empty pumpkin patch.  The pumpkin patch's employees, who had come out to see what happened to the pumpkins, now scrambled to grab the cash that Bumpkin had sent to them.  The money continued to rain onto the empty patch.
"I think you've probably given them enough money, Bumpkin.  Pumpkins aren't every expensive."
A driver suddenly cut me off: badly.  I told myself I should do my very best to suppress my road rage, especially when Bumpkin is in the car, because she won't hesitate to use her powers in such a situation.
"You jerk!" slipped out before I could stop it.  Instantly, one of the pumpkins smashed into the rear window of the car and shattered it.  The car swerved sharply, went off the road, and hit a tree.
After we bought some sod for Bumpkin, we went home.  Bumpkin set her pumpkins down on the apartment grounds.  They were everywhere.  It was very festive.  Although I couldn't help wondering what Bumpkin would do to the maintenance workers when they inevitably moved them so they could cut the grass.

Bumpkin in Space

Bumpkin before she gained her superpowers.

"Bumpkin, I haven't seen you in a while.  Where have you been?" I asked her one fine day.
"In space," was the young female groundhog's reply.
"What?"
"Are your ears clogged up?  Do you want me to try to clear them by flinging fireballs at them from my left paw?"
"No, ma'am.  I heard you.  It was, just for a second, hard to believe what I was hearing (telepathically, of course)."
"Are you calling me a liar?" she asked.  She held up her left paw in a way I'd seen her do before.  It was her usual pre-fireball-firing stance.
"No, ma'am, no ma'am.  I believe everything you've ever said.  You are, by far, the most honest groundhog I've ever met.  I believe that you've been in space.  Please, please, please tell me more."
"That's more like it.  I was looking at the sky Tuesday.  I said, 'what the heck' and took off for space."
"Wow."
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
"Do you want to hear this or not?"
"Yes, please.  I'm sorry: please continue."
"As I was saying, I took off for space.  It is so quiet up there, but there's no grass or weeds, well, I didn't see or smell any anyway.  Do you want to see space?"
"No thank you, Bumpkin.  I'm just fine here on Earth.  I've got enough going on here.  I don't need to travel to other universes and whatnot: got enough irons in the fire here to worry about."
"That's a yes."
In the next moment, I realized that Bumpkin and I were sitting in my car, which promptly began to ascend, straight up, out of the parking lot.  We must have been going hundreds or even thousands of miles an hour.  The wind was blowing my hair around ridiculously.  Well, it would have if I had hair: if I wasn't bald.  I soiled my underpants.
"OMG!  What is that freaking smell?"
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I'm not used to space travel.  I pooped in my pants."
"Darn it!  I can't take you anywhere!"  My pants and underwear were immediately stripped from my body by Bumpkin's will.  They hovered about thirty feet away as Bumpkin tossed a fireball at them.  She incinerated my pants and underwear with that one fireball.  Then I felt something.  Bumpkin was wiping my backside with toilet paper that she summoned from the Earth.  Thankfully, she was doing it with netherworld dark magic as opposed to using her razor-sharp claws.  Also thankfully, if a demon was wiping my butt, at least he or she was invisible to me.  After my derriere was clean, the used toilet paper was jettisoned from the car and Bumpkin toasted it with a fireball.  Then another pair of underwear and pants emerged from Earth and one or more demons dressed me.  I was as clean as a whistle.  That's just before I wet myself.
"Give me a freaking break!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm not changing you anymore today.  You're just going to have to stew in your own juices until it dries up: if it dries up."

The Bumpkin Chronicles

Young Bumpkin

It's all about Bumpkin.  It's Bumpkin's world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut.  I took her out shopping in my car.  I held the door open for her, and she hopped in.  Our destination was Rochester's Public Market, which is a pretty good farmers' market a few days a week.  I suggested and sold the idea to Bumpkin.  Most stores have a strict "no rodents" policy.  Bumpkin longs for a day when policies like these will no longer exist, and people will realize that it's wrong to discriminate against rodents: especially those who are as powerful as Bumpkin is.  By the way, don't ever call Bumpkin a rodent, if you do, it'll be the last thing you do.
It was my idea to go on a Tuesday.  Saturday is the day of the week on which the public market is busiest.  I figured the more people are around, the greater the chance someone would kick or step on Bumpkin, which would be the last mistake they would make.   In choosing a Tuesday, I made a mistake.  I just hadn't realized it yet, but I would.
It wasn't hard to find a parking spot at all.  I snagged a good one, which I wouldn't have been able to get on a Saturday.  I was able to cart Bumpkin right up to the displays.  She hopped out and strolled toward the merchandise.  I followed close behind her.
"This is it?" she asked me.
"Yes," I replied.
"This is the great public market?"
I was worried about the tone she was using.  "Yeah, it's a Tuesday.  On Saturdays, there are more vendors."
"Well what the hell are we doing here on a freaking Tuesday?"
Now I was definitely worried.  Bumpkin was clearly angry; bad things happen when Bumpkin gets angry.  "I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I just thought it would be better to come on a Tuesday, because there would be less people walking around who might kick or step on you."
"You mean these people?"  Bumpkin began firing fireballs out of her left paw.  Each found its target of a public market browser.  They were hit in the chest, back, legs, arms, and heads.  You name it, it got hit with Bumpkin's fireballs.  People began to run for their lives.  Bumpkin levitated some watermelons, then cast them with blinding speed toward the runners.  Watermelons smashed into the heads of those who chose to run away.  When she ran out of watermelons, Bumpkin switched to cabbage and whatever else might be a good thing to fling at the moving targets.  It was a bad day at the public market indeed.

Bumpkin Doesn't Like Pesticides

Big girl

He didn't know what was in store for him.  For him, it was probably just another day at work.  I heard the sound of his little buggy, and I didn't think much of it.  After all, the maintenance workers around here get around on golf carts, riding mowers, and at least one other vehicle.  Then I smelt it: one or more chemicals.  I looked out my window and saw him.  He was driving his little buggy all over, and he was spraying pesticides everywhere.  I had never seen anyone do that here before.  I immediately thought about all the little animals who live around here and forage on the grass that he was spraying with chemicals.  Would these chemicals harm them?  Will they smell the pesticides, realize they shouldn't eat the grass, and move on to greener pastures?  I wasn't the only one to ponder this issue.
As usual, once the sound of a motorized vehicle moving across the property was heard, the animals who had been hanging out on the grass fled the area.  All of them fled except for one groundhog: a very special groundhog indeed: Bumpkin.  I watched her sniff the air and make a face.  She didn't like the way it smelled.  She wasted no time.  She took off.  Bumpkin can fly!  I did not know that.  She caught up to the man on the buggy and attached herself to his back.  Then she used her left paw to slit his throat from ear to ear.  She used his blood to write "Don't come back." on the sidewalk.  She wasn't done.  She stood on her hind legs and raised her left paw.  As she did, the buggy levitated.  This was something else I'd never seen her do before.  I rushed outside to see what would happen next.  I watched the buggy get higher and higher.  She was sending it straight up.  It eventually got so high, that I couldn't see it anymore.
"Wow, where are you sending that, Bumpkin?" I asked her.
"To the moon," she replied (telepathically, of course).
"Holy crap!  That's incredible!"  Later, I watched the news.
"An unidentified flying object was spotted by many people today in the Rochester, NY area," the newscaster said.  "Let's go live to Andrea Killeen at the scene."
"Thanks, Linda.  I'm here with Billy Cordon, who witnessed this flying object.  Tell me, Mr. Cordon, what did it look like?"
"It looked like some kind of little buggy."
"And where did it go?"
"It just kept going straight up, higher and higher, until I couldn't see it anymore."
"Thank you, Mr. Cordon.  A man was also murdered in the area where the buggy allegedly went airborne.  Local police are trying to determine if these events are connected or not."
They're connected all right.  

Bumpkin the Deceiver

The deceiver herself: Bumpkin

Bumpkin is the penultimate deceiver.  She is young, cute, and furry.  If someone saw her, they might think, How cute, she must have a walnut-sized brain!  I don't care what the size of Bumpkin's brain is, it's good enough to get the job done.  Bumpkin was thinking about making the jump from mayor of Rochester (She slew the one before her.), to ruling the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  She has pondered the move some more since then and has decided to settle for county executive of Monroe County for now.  She said she wants to make sure she's ready when she takes on the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  This was her original plan, so perhaps her next step will be to take over the governorship of the state of New York and rename it New Bumpkin.  
I had to look up the directions for the county executive's office on Mapquest, which has never really let me down.  As is my custom, in lieu of printing out the directions, I wrote them down in an effort to save money.  Then I was ready to take the new county executive to her new office.  Well there was a formality to take care of.  The current county executive must somehow be removed from office.  It was a short, pleasant drive.  Bumpkin sat quietly and didn't toss any lethal fireballs out of her left front paw.  Shockingly, she didn't ask me very many questions at all.   We arrived at the building.  I held the door open for her, and she walked in.  I had all the address info, but I checked the plaque anyway.
One of the security guys finally noticed Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"  Bumpkin never even looked at the man.  As soon as the R-word had been uttered, she fired one of her fireballs out of her left paw, which struck the security guard hard: knocking him backward several feet into the glass doors, which subsequently shattered, which rained broken glass onto the security guard.  Once Bumpkin found out that the word "rodent" put her into a group that rats belonged to, that totally grossed her out and she won't, for a second, tolerate anyone who tries to group her with some hygienically-challenged rats, as the security guy found out the hard way. 
We finally found the county executive's office after Bumpkin efficiently dispatched the rest of the building's security force within a matter of a few seconds.  She didn't even perspire.  I know, because I know what her perspiration smells like.  It smells like dandelions, grass, and other weeds, because that's what she eats.
"This is Bumpkin," I introduced her to the current county executive.  "She intends to be the new county executive, effective immediately, or she will seize control of the office."
"Yeah, that's fine with me.  She's got it.  She's the new county executive.  I think I'll be leaving now."
Clearly, she believed the rumor that the mayor of Rochester had been slayed by a young groundhog named Bumpkin.  She also probably concluded that it wasn't a coincidence.  She didn't want to have her head separated from the rest of her body, not with fireballs, nor at the business ends of Bumpkin's razor-sharp claws.  However, as she was making her way out of the office, Bumpkin fired a little fireball that hit the former county executive on the backside.  It made her jump from surprise and it singed her skirt, but she hadn't been injured.
"What, pray tell, was that for?"
"For being a coward," I translated for her after Bumpkin answered, telepathically, inside my head instantly.
"Gee whiz, you can't win with these freaking groundhogs!  She singed my best skirt; it's history now!"
"You're lucky to be alive!" I yelled at her.  "Have you any idea how many lives she's taken?  Of course not, you're just like anybody else, you haven't yet met the next supreme ruler of the Planet Earth!  Well, you just did, and I suggest you remember her!  Maybe, if you rush fast enough to kiss her ring, or her feet, the next time you see her, and you will see her again, I guarantee it, then it just might save your life!"  And with that, she left.  I walked back into Bumpkin's office.  I couldn't see her.
"Bumpkin?" I asked.
"I'm over here," she said.  I hadn't been able to see her because she was sitting on her new chair at her new desk, which weren't custom-made for a young groundhog county executive.  What a cutie!  Aside from the security guards, who, let's face it, don't really count anyway, she killed no one.  Not the county executive, nor anyone on the way over here.  The ride back would be another story.

Bumpkin's Chauffeur

This is a recent photo of Lucinda in all her zaftig glory.

That is what I have become.  Why me?  My car is a piece of crap.  Then again, what does Bumpkin know about cars?  Not much.  She's just a young groundhog.  I think she likes it cause it's green, which is also the color of her beloved grass and weeds.
Whoosh!  Once again, I'm hearing the unmistakable sound of a fireball launching from one of Bumpkin's paws.  This time, the target was a seagull.  She must have been well over 100 feet away: no matter.  Bumpkin toasted her.  She fell and landed in a parking lot in front of a CVS store.  Next sound I heard was a police siren.  Bumpkin and I were being pursued.
"What's that noise?" Bumpkin asked me.
"That's the police, Bumpkin.  They're going to want us to pull over."
"What is pull over?"
"That's when the police stop you to give you a ticket or arrest you."
"What are these things?"
"They're not good.  They're punishments."
"Bumpkin knows about punishments."   Right after she said that (telepathically, of course), she fired another fireball from her left paw.  She fired it out the window without even looking.  The fireball found its way to the target: the police cruiser.  It caught fire and soon exploded. 
"Wow!  How did you do that?  You never even looked at it, right?" I asked.
"Once I let it go, it's completely under my control.  I programmed it to hone in on that annoying sound."
"Incredible."
"Yes, it is.  Isn't it?"
A driver suddenly cut us off.  "You damn bozo!" I yelled.  I have a road rage problem.  So, apparently, does Bumpkin.  She wasted no time firebombing the car of the guy who cut us off.  It was right in front of us though.  I frantically tried to avoid the burning mass of metal.  I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.  Amazingly, my car went airborne and jumped over the crispy car.  It landed ever so gingerly onto its wheels again.  It was an incredibly smooth landing.  There was only one possible explanation: Bumpkin.  This is a very powerful groundhog indeed.
"You did that, didn't you?"
"But of course," she responded.
"Incredible."
"I'm very close to mastering all of time and space.  I'm no longer interested in being the county executive or the governor.  I'm ready to rule the world."
From mayor of Rochester to grand supreme ruler of the Earth; perhaps she'll make the biggest leap anyone, either human or groundhog, ever made in this world.  If one read it on a resume, would he or she believe it? 

Let's Fight Bullying

I won't let them bully you Lucinda.

I did it again.  Yesterday, I looked out the window and saw Sloopy eating grass.  I also couldn't help noticing that there were many birds all around her.  I don't know exactly what kind of birds they are.  I've previously referred to them as black birds, but I doubt that's really accurate.  They're not black; they're multicolored, but mostly brown.  It's easier to list what they're not.  They're not crows, ravens, robins, sparrows, cardinals, doves, hawks, falcons, or eagles.  They are aggressive.  They attack each other.  One had something in her beak, and was trying to enjoy it, but the other brown birds kept chasing her wherever she went.
Anyway, because these brown birds were surrounding sweet Sloopy, I decided to watch for a little while.  It didn't take long for one of them to approach Sloppy from behind.  I didn't like the looks of it.  Sure enough, the bird started by pecking her tail.  I was ready to go, but I held off a bit.  I wasn't sure if Sloopy could feel her tail being pecked.  Soon after, the bird pecked her in the butt.  That's it!  "Leave her alone!" I yelled out the open window  Sloopy ran for cover and several birds flew away.  I regret that when I do this, I frighten the groundhogs I'm trying to protect, but at least it puts a temporary end to the bullying.  Until I come up with a better idea, it will have to do.
I was bullied when I was a kid.  It was so bad, that I may never forget it.  I don't remember anyone stepping in to help me.  I would have appreciated it.  This is a violent and cruel world; it always has been.  I encourage you to try to end bullying when you see it.  You'll feel better if you do.  Years ago, I was in Central Park, and I saw some kids throwing rocks at some ducks in a pond.  I wanted to tell them to stop doing it, but I was afraid.  I was thinking that one or more parents of these kids might become irate if I tried to tell their kid what to do.  I regret being a coward in that situation.  There would have been nothing wrong with me telling those kids to stop throwing rocks at the ducks.  They had no business doing that.  The ducks didn't deserve to be attacked like that.  Sometimes, there really is a right and a wrong in a given situation.  The kids were in the wrong, and they needed someone to tell them that.  I was in the wrong for not doing anything about it.  I hate fear.  I'm always trying to overcome it.  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  FDR said that, and it's one of the quotes that I agree with the most.
I'm not suggesting becoming a vigilante, like Batman, to fight bullying.  I'm just suggesting that we speak up and stand up for what is right and against what is wrong.  Calmly and politely asking someone to stop bullying an animal or another person would probably get the best result.  Even if it doesn't end the bullying, at least you took a stand and tried to stop something that shouldn't be happening.  At least it probably gave the bully some food for thought.  He or she will probably realize to some degree that he or she can't necessarily bully with impunity.   Of course, if a situation is out of control, and a person or an animal is being beaten mercilessly, and verbal attempts to stop the abuse haven't worked, then the abuser might need to hear a warning.  And if he or she doesn't heed that warning, then it might be time to take action to protect a person or an animal who needs it.  I'd rather be the person that took action than the guy who watched a man stab a woman to death.    

Lucinda

Lucinda as a baby.  What a furball!

I love Lucinda.  She is a beautiful groundhog.  As I mentioned before, she's put on a lot of weight.  But she was even chubby as a baby.  She gets around via the cutest waddle I've ever seen.  She, perhaps due to her heavyweight status, also seems to be the most fearless groundhog I've ever seen.  One of my (human) neighbors left his building while she was grazing just outside of it.  Usually, a groundhog in this situation will run for his or her life: not Lucinda.  She stood her ground while keeping an eye on the human.  Once he walked away, she went back to stuffing her face with grass and weeds.   One day I was walking to my car.  I noticed that Lucinda was standing right next to the sidewalk.  I couldn't believe how close she let me get to her before she started to waddle away.
I put my plan into action.  I saw a bird pecking a groundhog, so I shouted "Leave her alone!" to the bullying bird.  As a result, all the birds in the immediate area took wing, and the groundhog ran for the cover of a nearby bush.  She came out again shortly afterward to graze again.  The birds also returned.  She was pecked by a bird again.  It made me so angry.  "Leave her alone, you goddamn bird!" is what I yelled that time.  Once again, the groundhog ran away.  The plan basically worked.  Both times, it put an end (temporarily) to the bullying.  I suppose I'll do it again if I witness any more of it.  Bullying, whether it's human against human, human against animal, or animal against animal, should be stopped.  By the way, I wouldn't interfere with the natural order of things.  I understand there are predators and prey and they are all a part of the food chain.  I think it's clear that some animals were meant to survive off the flesh of other animals.  The birds don't eat groundhogs, that's a ridiculous thought, they really are pretty much just bullying them.  Not if I see it though.
Birds are crazy though.  I heard a sound, so I went over to whence it came from: a window.  I realized that a sparrow was pecking on the window screen while another one looked on: craziness.  When I walked right up to the window, they both took off.  She made a hole in the screen.  I sure hope no money gets taken out of my security deposit for that.  What the hell was she doing?  Did she want to move into my apartment?  Put a tent on this freaking circus. 

Where's Sheila?

Where have you gone, Sheila?  Please come back.  I miss you.

A few days ago, it occurred to me that I haven't seen Sheila in a while.  I think it's been at least two weeks since I've seen her.  I'm worried about her.  I can think of three possible explanations for her absence.  As I've mentioned before, I've seen her attack her daughters twice.  The girls just keep growing; they're not babies anymore.  Lucinda, in particular, has put on a lot of weight.  I thought Sheila was the chubbiest groundhog I'd ever seen.  I'm pretty sure Lucinda has surpassed her in that department.  Maybe Sheila lashed out at one of her girls and one or more of them fought back and drove her away.  Perhaps, since the girls are growing so quickly, the family hole was no longer large enough to comfortably house all four of them, so Sheila, realizing that she had successfully raised three self-sufficient daughters, left for greener pastures and more space in her living quarters.  Another possibility is that she has died.  I hope that's not the case: unless she wanted to die, but I doubt that she did.  I suppose that groundhogs don't know what death is.  They probably don't know that they're going to die.  I have considered walking over to the family hole and looking inside for her, but I don't think I'll be able to do that.  What if I saw her dead body?  I don't want to see that.  I also might scare the hell out of one or more of the girls if I did that.
As I've mentioned before, I love all animals, and that certainly includes every single groundhog.  They are so cute.  But Sheila will always be my first groundhog love.  She's my first groundhog neighbor.  I saw her outside my windows several times before realizing that she lived in a hole right next to the building I live in.  Then she brought those three babies into my life, for which I will be eternally grateful to her.  Since she attacked her daughters, I suppose she isn't the perfect mother.  However, in fairness to her, I really think that she was trying to toughen them up and teach them to not be too trusting of other groundhogs when outside the safety of the family hole.
I would love to see Sheila come back.  I think that, at this point, it's unlikely.  I've never gone this long without seeing her before: not even close.  Sadly, I feel like I've seen her for the last time.  All I have now are pictures, memories, and wishes for her return.  Wherever she is, I hope she's happy.

Bumpkin Rises

Bumpkin became the new mayor of the city after slaying the previous one.

Just like she said she would (telepathically), Bumpkin has taken over the city of Rochester, NY.  I even gave her a ride to city hall.  I hope I won't be prosecuted for aiding and abetting, but I couldn't help it.  I have clearly become one of her brain-controlled zombies.  I am completely under her control; there's nothing I can do about it.  I walked with her to my car and opened the door for her.  She hopped in, and we were off.  As far as I know, that was Bumpkin's first car ride, which made it pretty annoying for me.  After all, I'm pretty sure she had never left my (her) apartment complex before.
"What's that?" she asked me telepathically when we passed a Rite Aid store.
"That's a Rite Aid store, Bumpkin."
"What is a Rite Aid store?"
"It's where people go to buy things they want or need."
"What does 'buy' mean?"
Of course she wouldn't know what "buy" means.  Bumpkin doesn't buy; she takes.  She has no money (currently), because she has no use for it (yet).  "People go into a store with money, that they worked for, stole, or was given to them, and they trade money for things."
"What is money?"
"It's made of paper or metal, it has different values, and it is used to trade for things that people want."
"What is work?"
I sighed.
"How dare you be rude to me!  You've seen what I can do.  I can end you whenever I want to.  I can also torture you for eternity."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin; I really am.  I don't have any kids, so I'm not used to being asked all these sorts of questions."
"You will tell me everything I want to know, and you will not give me any attitude: end of discussion."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What is ma'am?"
"It is what you call a female that you respect."
"That's more like it.  Now, what is work?"
You get the idea.  As soon as I answered another one of her questions, it was immediately followed by another one.  Even though I was afraid of what would happen once we reached city hall, I couldn't wait to get there.  It was the most annoying car ride I'd ever had, even though it was a short trip.  We finally reached our destination.  "This is it, Bumpkin.  This is city hall."
"Good.  Open this thing for me."
"Yes, ma'am.  It's called a door, by the way."
"Whatever.  Just do it."
"Yes, ma'am."  I opened the door for her and she hopped out.  She promptly flung a fireball from her left front paw that demolished the doors of the building.  Guards, who had been stationed at the metal detector, rushed outside the building to see what caused the destruction.  Bumpkin burnt all of them to a crisp.  Then she scampered into the building.  I followed her.  We approached a guy in a suit who had an expression of shock on his face.  "Excuse me," I said to him, "Could you please tell us where the mayor's office is?"  He told us, so we went directly to it.
"Can I help you?" a woman asked us.  I assume she was the mayor's secretary.  Bumpkin roasted her.  I opened the door to the mayor's office for her.  She sauntered in.
"Just what the hell is going on around here?" the mayor asked.  He looked at Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"
"This is Bumpkin," I said.  "She's a groundhog, and she's taking over the city."
"Over my dead body!" he said.
"That's her plan," I replied.  Sure enough, she jumped onto his chest and slashed his throat with her left paw.  She nearly decapitated him.  His blood stained my clothes.  I doubt I'll be able to get these stains out.
"Was he the mayor?" she asked me.
"Yes."
"Good."  Just like that, the city was hers.  I wouldn't want to be the county executive or the governor; that's for sure.  They're next.

Bumpkin's Vengeance

It's not a very good idea to bully Bumpkin or her family.

It finally happened.  Bumpkin found out about birds bullying her mother and sisters.  Let's just say it's gotten a lot quieter around here.  The chirping had been out of control.  The birds seemed to be in charge, and they never let any of us forget it.  They chirped all the time: and loudly.
Bumpkin climbed out of the family hole with revenge on her mind.  The birds, like me, have trouble telling the 3 groundhog sisters apart.  Well, 2 of them anyway.  Lucinda continues to pack on the poundage, which distinguishes her from her sisters.  Anyway, it seems like Bumpkin strategically chose when she was going to emerge from her home.  There were many birds in the apartment complex at the time.  She purposefully crawled to an area that contained many black birds, which are the sort that have bullied groundhogs around here.  Sparrows, doves, and robins seem to mind their own business, but those black birds have pecked groundhogs too nastily and too often.  Bumpkin picked a spot and began to munch on weeds and grass.  It didn't take too long for one of those angry black birds to peck her in the butt.  It took even less time for Bumpkin to turn around and decapitate the bird with one casual swipe of a paw.  Then the fireballs took over.  I had seen her hurl fireballs from her paws before, but never so many and never so quickly.  She stood up on her hindquarters and shot fireballs out of both paws like Clint Eastwood used to do with bullets in spaghetti westerns.  Those fireballs came fast and furious.  One black bird exploded into flames.  Another black bird was hit.  After a while, I lost count.  I'm pretty sure she toasted at least 30 of them.  It was chaos.  She hit them on the ground and in the air.  They tried to fly away, and she picked them off one by one.  I hated seeing those birds attack groundhogs, but I didn't enjoy seeing them trying to fly away while engulfed in flames.  What's even scarier is that I didn't see her miss even once.  I think she's been practicing.
Charred black bird bodies were still smoldering when Bumpkin returned to her first victim: the one she beheaded.  She dragged the unfortunate bird to the sidewalk.  I had a feeling I knew what was coming next.  Sure enough, next to her name, she wrote "Sloopy" "Lucinda" and "Mommy" on the sidewalk in bird blood.  As far as who shouldn't be messed with around here, she left no doubt.  How far will she go though?  Sometimes the maintenance workers cut the grass and use weed whackers.  When they do those things, they scare groundhogs away.  A maintenance worker armed with a weed whacker is no match for Bumpkin.  I don't care if they hire Chuck Norris to whack the weeds here.  Chuck Norris is tough; I wouldn't want to fight him.  But what can he do about multiple fireballs coming at him with great speed?

Bullying

Sheila attacking one of her babies.

Cute little animals have been bullied around here, and I don't like it.  Sheila has attacked her own groundhog children at least twice.  She made one of them cry.  I love Sheila; I can't help it.  She's my first groundhog love.  I loved her before I realized she was living in a hole right next to the building I live in.  After it was confirmed that we were neighbors, I loved her even more.  Then she brought her three babies into my life.  I tell myself there's a reason why she's attacked her own young.  She's just trying to toughen them up.  One of them scampered up to her mommy to say "hi," and this led directly to one of the attacks.  Maybe Sheila's trying to teach them that you have to have your guard up when you're out of the family hole; it's a tough world out there.
The birds are the worst.  One day I saw two baby groundhogs near each other; they were both eating grass.  A black bird pecked one of them in the butt.  The poor baby groundhog stopped eating grass abruptly.  She looked surprised.  It seemed like she was too scared to turn around to see what had happened.  Then she went back to eating grass.  That bird did the same thing to the other baby groundhog, who reacted the exact same way her sister did.  I was angry at this bird, but I also thought it was a little funny.  I don't think it's funny at all anymore.  Another day, I watched a bird peck one of the sisters repeatedly.  The poor thing didn't fight back at all.  It's frustrating, because the groundhogs are definitely bigger than these birds, so they shouldn't be taking any crap from them.  I hate seeing groundhogs being bullied.  What was this bird's problem?  Why was she attacking her instead of foraging for food?  Why is there so much aggression in this world?  Even the toughest of the groundhogs around here, Sheila, has been bullied by birds.  I've seen birds pecking groundhogs plenty of times now, but I've never seen one fight back against the feathered fiends.
I've decided to take matters into my own hands.  If I see birds bullying groundhogs, I will yell "Fight back!" out the window.  I'm not expecting them to fight back against the birds when I do that, but it will probably scare the groundhog, which would cause her to run for cover, which would, temporarily at least, put an end to the bullying.
What's really disturbing is the patches of fur that are missing from one of the sisters.  I can only conclude that she has been bitten where the fur is missing.  And I can't help suspecting that Sheila is responsible.
I think the heat is a factor.  The first time I saw baby groundhogs being bullied was on a very hot day.  In addition to that craziness, I saw a rabbit threaten a couple of squirrels.  One of the squirrels got into a standoff with the rabbit; she laid her tail on her back completely, which is something I'd never seen before.
Speaking of rabbits, it's strange that groundhogs, even babies, seem to not be afraid of them.  I've seen groundhogs intimidate rabbits at least twice.  The rabbits are larger than the birds who bully them.  I suppose it's true what they say; size isn't everything.  

Bumpkin 2: The Wrath of Bumpkin

So little, so cute, so deadly

Bumpkin is still causing mayhem around these parts.  For the second time, that I know of, she has fired a large and powerful fireball from one of her paws that has destroyed something.  In this case, it was a car.  The car exploded and went up like a tinderbox.  By the time the firemen put it out, the car was a total loss.  You couldn't even tell what make or model it was.  Again, the police came.  Naturally they'll want to investigate the cause of the blast.  Once again, I told them that Bumpkin the groundhog was responsible for the destruction, but I don't think they believe me.  I realize they probably think I have a screw loose in my head or something, but they'll see.  Once she takes the city, she'll seize the county, then the minds and wills of all human beings living within the great state of New York: the Empire State.  Though soon to be renamed "New Bumpkin: the Bumpkin State."  She already has every soul in my apartment complex, including mine, under her powerful spell.  She simply does not have to spend much time grazing anymore.  She has a battalion of brain-controlled zombies to do her bidding.  Whenever I hear her voice in my head, giving me a command, I follow it to the letter.  Most of the time, she's ordering me to pick grass, dandelions, and other sorts of weeds for her, her sisters, and her mother to consume as an in-hole snack.  Groundhogs eat weeds.  Let the groundhogs be free to do what they want, and they will eat weeds and keep the grass from getting too long.

Bumpkin used to be content to frolic in the grass with her mother and sisters, but now it seems like nothing will be able to quench her thirst for power.  I really think she intends to rule the world eventually.  With each and every giant fireball fired from a cute young groundhog paw, she gets more powerful and closer to her goal of total and complete domination of all the humans on the face of the planet.