Anti-consumerism

After I wrote about waste, I realize I'm an anti-consumerist.  I practice what I preach.  I only buy what is necessary.  I admit I'm frugal, because I come from a thrifty family.  It's not a wealthy, successful family, so you learn to scrimp and save.  I recently got into a tweet war with a couple of women, because I tweeted it was interesting that vegans are likely to enjoy better health than meat eaters, and perhaps this is karma.  A woman disagreed with that, because she is some sort of self-appointed diet and fitness guru.  Another woman weighed in; she said veggies are too expensive in the country where she lives.  I mentioned that I can afford to eat healthily, because I live a frugal life; they both made fun of that response.  But so many people's priorities are out of whack.  They put unnecessary, extravagant material purchases before necessities like nutritious food. 
My birthday is approaching, and I love music.  I have a ton of it, though.  I don't really need more.  It has been a while since I bought myself an album I wanted, though.  And something that's been bothering me is that I'm not getting an extra day off this week for Thanksgiving.  My supervisor was surprised that they didn't ask me if I wanted to work the usual amount of days this week or have an extra one off.  So that makes me want to treat myself even more.  If I do, and it's a big "if," because I know I don't need it, I'll try to purchase an album in MP3 format; this way, it would go digitally right to my computer, and then I'd put it on a flash drive, which I already have.  So there would be no waste associated with such a transaction: no materials, no packaging, no paper, no plastic.  It's, no surprise, also cheaper to buy it that way.  If the album I wanted was only available as a CD, then I might buy it, but I really don't see myself buying more than one. 
If I ever get around to it, I will try to sell much of my large CD collection.  All I need to do is put a CD onto my computer, and then I have it.  I no longer need the CD.  My CD player also plays music from flash drives.  Flash drives can be plugged right into the CD player.  The player never has trouble reading music on the flash drive.  I have had problems with CDs, though.  Sometimes they don't sit in the tray right, and they need to be adjusted.  Sometimes the player takes a while to read a CD.  The CD player fails to play CDs in other ways.  These problems can be remedied (so far), but, for me, CDs are more problematic than flash drive music.
As usual, I will buy no Christmas presents for anyone this year.  As a result, I won't receive any either, which is fine with me.  Think of the waste that will be a result of all the consumerism that will occur this holiday season.  People will give, and receive, piles of needless crap.  Children will get toys that they will lose interest in shortly: assuming they were ever interested in them at all.  Adults will also receive tons of gifts they don't want, which will also result in a mountain of waste.  Then there's all the wasted packaging, wrapping paper, and the shopping bags this crap went into.  And, of course, this stuff didn't magically appear in stores.  It was manufactured, and I've already mentioned how much waste there is at the corporate level, where money is more important than anything, which certainly includes reducing waste.  Then they were transported to the stores: probably by fossil-fuel burning trucks at some point in the journey.
If you care about the environment, it makes sense to be anti-consumerism.  Reduce waste.  Reduce litter.  Save money.  Reduce the amount of possessions you have.  The more stuff you have, the less free you are.  The more stuff you have, the harder it is to bring it with you.           

Waste

I hate waste.  It's very depressing to see how much of it is happening at the corporate level.  There's a lot of it occurring in the giant store I work in.  The only material that's recycled regularly there is cardboard.  I take out the trash frequently, and it's clear that some of my coworkers aren't even recycling that.  A couple of people use a certain desk.  Behind that desk are two cans: one for trash and one for paper recycling.  I frequently find paper in the trash can.  These two cans are right next to each other!  The apathy when it comes to recycling and the environment disgusts me.  My coworkers frequently toss their empty soda bottles into the regular trash.  They could return that those bottles for 5 cents each.  Even when you pay people to recycle, many of them won't do it.
At a previous job, a coworker's friend was visiting him at work.  He mentioned that he doesn't care to recycle because, when the environment shits the bed, he will be dead and gone by then.  He obviously thought he was being hilariously funny, and my coworker laughed.  I didn't.  I don't find laziness, apathy, and selfishness humorous.   
Caring about animals and the environment go hand in hand (I think they should,), because that's where wildlife live.  I recycle as much as I can at home, so it angers and frustrates me to know how much waste is occurring elsewhere.  May have mentioned this before, but I have pulled stuff out of the trash (at work) to recycle, despite my OCD telling me not to.  Although I wear work gloves when I handle trash at work.  When I take out the trash, I try to save trash bags.  If one can isn't very full, I will dump it into another.  By contrast, some of (if not all) my coworkers just automatically (and thoughtlessly) take the bags out of the cans and throw them out: even if there had only been a tiny amount of trash in there (one piece of paper, for example).  This sort of mindless waste pisses me off.  So you see how one can reduce waste and save money simultaneously (The store uses less trash bags.). 
The holiday season is a very wasteful one.  Yesterday, I rang up a lot of holiday decoration purchases.  What a waste.  Decorations are a waste of money, time (putting up and taking them down), and materials.  People brought up carts that were full of boxes of Christmas lights and other needless, useless decorations.  Plastic bags were filled with all this unnecessary crap.  So the decorations themselves are a waste, so is the packaging they came in, and the bags they went into.  This wasteful display depressed and angered me.  I have no decorations, because I don't need them: no one does. 
Then there is the most obvious example of holiday waste: the Christmas tree.  Killing, or buying, a tree for Christmas disgusts me.  You're murdering a tree, raping Mother Nature, so you can have a tree in your home for a short period of time.  Then you will unceremoniously throw the tree out (more waste).  You'll waste time getting the tree decorations out, putting them on the tree, taking them off again, and cleaning up the after the tree.  When I walk a certain route, I pass a cliff.  When one looks over the cliff at a certain spot, one can see a Christmas tree, wrapped in plastic, stuck in the trees.  It has been there for quite a while: disgusting.  The world would be a better place without the person who put it there.  So much wasted stuff becomes litter.  I see it everywhere: yet another reason to get away from society.           

Pets

my ex-girlfriend's dog

I have mentioned the benefits of writing here.  It helps one remember things.  One can thoroughly explore an issue and save that information for posterity.  For instance, while I was drinking and smoking weed, I began, and added, to a document on my computer called "STOP DRINKING AND SMOKING," which listed reasons why I should do that, and now I've been clean and sober since 7/31/16. 
The question of whether to get a pet or not is very complicated for me.  The first thing that comes to mind is they make me happy.  I love all animals, but especially dogs.  I love cats too, but I have had less experience with them.  Some of my happiest memories involve playing ball with my ex-girlfriend's dog.  She loves playing ball so much.  She has so much fun, it's inevitable that whoever's playing with her will have fun too.  I am alone.  I am untouched.  Touching is important.  Companionship is important.  Petting a pet is therapeutic.  Pets can extend your life, because they improve the quality of it.
But there are drawbacks.  I hate the thought of a pet being alone while his or her mom or dad is at work for over 8, 9, etc. hours.  What if a fire started, and the pet couldn't escape?  That would destroy me.  There's also a loss of freedom involved.  My ex-girlfriend adopted a dog, Barney, while we were living together, who became the love of my life.  He's gone now, but I still love him more than anyone, human or animal, I have ever known.  But, whenever I was using my computer, I'd feel guilty, cause I was ignoring him.  I don't think he understood it.  He may have thought, "Why are you staring at that thing when you could be petting me?"  And that's a good question.  However, I feel a need to get on the computer and write.  There are also issues with traveling.  Dogs need to be walked: even when one doesn't feel like it (shitty weather).   
Then there's the vegan question.  I haven't spent money on meat, milk, or eggs since 2002.  Can I have a vegan dog or cat?  Someone tweeted a picture of their 10-year-old vegan dog, and he looked healthy and happy.  I don't want to support the slaughterhouse in any way, shape, or form, even if the food is for a pet. 
I recently mentioned Lyme disease.  Can you really keep ticks off a dog or cat?  If not, they could transfer a Lyme-disease-ridden tick to me.  Of course it would be horrible if the pet got Lyme disease.  Knowing what I do about the disease, I am terrified of it.  Anyone who is at risk should be too.
The added expense is also an issue.  As I've previously mentioned, I don't make a lot of money, and, as a result, I'm frugal.  However, I definitely believe pets are more than worth any money you spend on them.  One of the biggest problems with society is money being more important than life, which is horrible.
Not being able to communicate can be frustrating.  Your pet could be in pain, and you might not know it.  Is my pet suffering or not?  The worry, and the uncertainty, could be frustrating and devastating.
Pets can get on one's nerves (again, usually because of communication issues).  A lot of things get on my nerves.  Adding to that list might not be such a great idea.
I've mentioned my OCD, and issues I have with poop.  This is where I favor cats.  I think they lick their own assholes, which is gross, but at least they have clean assholes.  I think a poopy dog ass would bother me quite a bit.  Would it be fair to a dog to expose him or her to my disorder?
When you get a pet, you are making a commitment to take care of him or her for the rest of his or her life (or your life).  That is what I believe.  That's quite a commitment to make, and I haven't made it before.  My ex-girlfriend adopted Barney against my wishes.  I didn't want to have to walk a dog, and pick up shit, regularly.  Regardless, I never once suggested that she get rid of him.
I hate the fact that people have pets that ever get to go outside; I consider them to be "cute prisoners."  I could go on for quite a while about this, but I certainly disagree with making an animal spend most of his or her time in a tiny space.  I strongly disagree with keeping fish in tanks and birds in cages.  It's just plain cruel to not allow a bird to fly and be free.  Therefore, if I had a cat, I would take him or her outside.  I can picture the looks of contempt people would give me.  "You don't walk a cat," is what they'd likely be thinking.  Fuck them, and fuck being "normal!" 
Of course, life is fragile, and I could die at any time: making my pet an orphan.  My pet could even die of hunger or thirst if he or she wasn't rescued in time.  I could become paralyzed from a car accident, or stroke, and therefore unable to take care of him or her anymore. 
Which brings us to the most important reason why I wouldn't get a pet.  If I had a pet, I believe I would not allow myself to commit suicide.  It wouldn't be fair to him or her.  I need to have the freedom to do that at anytime.  I have no kids, pets, wife, girlfriend, or friends, which means, as far as I'm concerned, I'm good to go.  I'm allowed to kill myself.  I am now back on antidepressants as of a few days now.  But knowing that I can kill myself at anytime, and escape from this hellhole, gives me a certain amount of peace that I don't want to relinquish.
   

They Fucked with My Laundry!

I've had so many problems with the only laundry room I'm allowed to use regularly in my apartment complex (They let me use another laundry room in the complex once.  I've subsequently asked to use it again, and my request was denied, which pisses me off, because I have paid thousands of dollars of rent here over the years.).  There are 3 washing machines, and at least one of them is out of order frequently.  There can be a lot of competition for these machines.  Lots of times, I've checked to see if I could do laundry, only to find that the machines were being used.  The last time I attempted to do laundry, only one of the washers was working, and it was being used.  I had to go to a local coin-operated laundry, which wasn't fun.  There were quite a few loud, out-of-control kids there.  I left an angry message at the apartment's office, telling them what happened, and saying, among other things, "You raise the rent every year here.  Buy some washing machines."  A few days later, I called the office again, this time about my asshole neighbors, and the office manager asked if it was me who left the message about the laundry room (I didn't leave my name on the message, but she knows my voice because of how many times I've complained about my neighbors.), and I said it was.  She said that 2 new washing machines were on the way.  That was over a month ago.
I needed to do laundry: badly.  Doing laundry is like shopping at the nearest Walmart; it never goes very well; at least one shitty thing will happen.  I really dread doing laundry.  I checked the machines.  They weren't being used, but one of the washers was out of order.  What the fuck?  Considering what I had been told, none of them should have been out of order!  And the maintenance workers are so lazy.  They don't even put a sign up; they just unplug the machine.  But at least there were 2 washers, which is what I needed.  So I got my dirty clothes and started putting them into the machines.  I heard some people.  Two guys came into the laundry room.  They said they were going to be switching the "out of order" washer, which was between the 2 I was using, with a new one.  Holy shit!  You have to be fucking kidding me!  There was only a 27-minute window in which I was going to be using both washers, and that's when they were going to be switching the machines!  My luck is just unbelievable!  I was worried that they were going to fuck up my laundry.  They could knock the plug loose of a machine I'm using.  They could bump the old, or new, washer into one, or both, of the machines I'm using, which could result in a fuck up.
Meanwhile, I realized that one of the washers I was using wasn't working.  The light came on, but nothing was happening.  I angrily moved my clothes to the "out of order" washer; maybe that was working.  The guys came back, and one of them told me that machine was not working, and it was unplugged.  I moved my clothes back to the one that didn't work and told them about it.  One of them opened a panel and pushed a button.  The machine started, but it was in the wrong cycle.  "There's no water in there?" one of them asked.  "No," I said.  So he pushed some more buttons, and it seemed like he finally found the right cycle.  Before I left, I thought about asking them to not fuck up my laundry, but decided that probably wasn't a good idea. 
When I returned, to put my laundry into the dryers, one of the loads was finished.  Alarm bells went off in my head.  It had finished too early.  They had fucked up my laundry!  I opened the machine and inspected the laundry.  It seemed okay.  I couldn't help noticing that the old washer had been replaced.  The other washer was still going.  It takes about 10 minutes longer to finish than the one that was done.  Even though the laundry room is small, I spend that waiting time pacing energetically from one end of the room to the other (for exercise) until it is done.  Something was wrong with that machine too!  It was taking too long to finish!  So they fucked up BOTH of my loads: worst-case scenario!  It was taking so long to finish, I was worried that it WOULDN'T finish, that it would keep going forever, unless it was unplugged, which, of course, would result in fucked-up laundry.  In fact, a laundry token was left in the slot for that washer, which I assume one of the workers had left there for me, because they had fucked up my laundry.  I tried to get the token out, but I couldn't.  It finally stopped, and I inspected the laundry; again, it seemed to be okay.       
When I was completely done with the laundry, I still wasn't sure if it had been fucked up or not.  When I put on some freshly-washed clothes, I paid special attention to how they felt.  Did they feel clean?  Were they making me itchy?  How did they smell?  Because of my OCD, I smelled my freshly-washed clothes over and over again.  They smelled okay.  I was itchy, but I'm always itchy to some degree.  And how much of that itchiness was originating in my mind?
In retrospect, I believe my clothes are clean.  I'm too lazy to go through all that crap again anytime soon anyway.  So, despite all the stress and drama (I yelled, cursed my luck, and I was close to crying when I was furiously pacing: waiting for the machine to stop.), I think I ultimately was lucky, because those guys were there to fix the problem I was having with the washer I was using. 

Contempt

I find it very difficult to live in this society, because I have contempt for
-mentally-competent adults that selfishly support animal cruelty by buying meat, leather, fur, etc.
-mentally-competent adults that have procreated
-mentally-competent adults that have brought animals into this world
-mentally-competent adults that spend a lot of time with their faces in their smartphones.
So, once again, obviously, I am not targeting children or the mentally disabled.  I get along with the sorts of people I have just mentioned, mostly because I have to.  I get along quite well with a coworker who eats meat and has kids.  I like her.  Interestingly, we were talking one day, and she admitted, unsolicited, that life is shitty.  Do you regret having kids?  That's the question I wanted to ask but didn't.  I need to do whatever I need to do to get through the day at work.  If I hated, and scowled at, all my coworkers that eat meat, have procreated, and have their faces in their phones every chance they get, I'd be hated.  I have no friends, so I need to try to get along with my coworkers as well as I can.  But whenever I see them eating meat, or hear them talking about their favorite meat dishes, I can feel the contempt bubbling up inside me.  Likewise when I see them with (or hear them talking about) their kids.  Seeing them with their faces in their phones reminds me of the contempt too.
So, again, leaving it all for the wilderness seems like a good idea.  I wouldn't have to be around people I have contempt for.  But the same issues come to mind: bugs bugging me, lack of heat, showers, and toilet paper.  It seems like I can't win.     

Snapshot

I took a snapshot of her with my eyes
it was a perfect moment
she was walking, in mid-stride
I knew she was attractive
but she looked ravishing
in her orange sweater
and her, as usual, tight jeans
her long, blonde hair
framing her pretty face nicely
it was the perfect moment
to take a snapshot with my eyes
to save the image in my brain
for when I masturbate

 

Shit and Pain

Shit and pain, shit and pain
life is shit and pain
wake to pain
have to shit
shit in pain
wipe in pain
not shit in pain
not wipe in pain
have to shit
shit in pain
wipe in pain
new day
wake to pain
shit in pain
wipe in pain
 

DO SOMETHING!

Be on the RIGHT side of animal cruelty!  Fight it!  It is wrong to be cruel to animals!  So far, despite how angry many of us are about animal cruelty, animal activists have proven that they are not mass shooters and terrorists.  Some have been called terrorists, because they have liberated animals from cruel experimental labs, but that's bullshit.  Animal activists certainly aren't terrorists like those who perpetrated 9/11, the attack in Paris that killed 130, or all those assholes who thought it was a good idea to run people over with vehicles.
It needs to be a war of words.  Fight it!  Confront those who are cruel to animals!  Far too many of them are getting away with it.  They support cruelty to animals over and over again, their entire life, and no one even makes them feel badly about it: bullshit!  "I only eat chicken."  What the fuck do you have against chickens?!  What have they ever done to you?!  Why don't you care about them?  Don't you see how small and vulnerable they are compared to humans?  Don't you see how wrong it is to exploit, torture, and murder them?!  People that support animal cruelty AT LEAST deserve to be confronted in such a way! 
Don't give them a pass!  On dating websites, when I contact a woman, sometimes they check out my profile, which mentions how I feel about animals, and they respond by saying something like, "I don't know if I'm right for you.  I eat meat."  I NEVER say it's okay, because it isn't!  Supporting animal cruelty is heinous!  I'm 99.9% sure I'd be better off with a dog or a cat than a girlfriend anyway (No offense, ladies.  I like animals more than men too.  Besides, you're not missing out.  I'm not young or tall.  I'm bald, and I ain't successful.).  You see, animals aren't JUDGEMENTAL (Though sometimes they let you know that you haven't given them enough treats!).  They don't criticize (at least not lucidly).  They don't talk too much.  And, most importantly, they might eat meat if you gave it to them, but they don't KNOWINGLY support a vicious system that cruelly exploits, enslaves, and murders peaceful, innocent animals on a massive scale EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!
I love animals so much, and I'm so sad for them.  Please help them.   

Thoughtless Cruelty

I think about animals lots of times every day.  As I've mentioned before, I'm constantly being reminded of animal cruelty and how many people are contributing to it with the choices they make.  It's a big problem for the animals (and those of us that care about them) that people are being thoughtlessly cruel to them all the time.
I wouldn't buy leather: period.  I see people wearing all sorts of leather garments.  I imagine them in the shoe stores.  I suppose leather is a thing to them: a material.  In the shoe store, they probably aren't thinking of it as the dead skin of a tortured, enslaved animal who had been innocent and peaceful.  I suppose they aren't thinking that, if they purchase those leather shoes, they will be supporting violence against cows.
It's the same with meat.  It's a thing: a food.  I suppose those that purchase it aren't thinking it's the dead, tortured flesh of an innocent animal that suffered for the sake of the consumer's palate.  I recently called animal cruelty, especially that which is highly-organized and institutionalized, "the worst conspiracy" in a post here.  It really is.  It's billions of people (currently-I shudder to think how many people over the course of human history have contributed to animal cruelty) getting together and essentially saying, "Sure, what we're doing to animals is horrible, and unnecessary, but, if you do it, and act like you're not doing anything wrong, then I will too."
I'm sickened by animal cruelty.  It contributes to my depression, which is nothing compared to the suffering that thoughtlessly cruel people are supporting whenever they buy meat, leather, fur, etc.  

I'm a Loser

There is no escaping it; I'm a loser.  In fact, my memoir is called American Loser, and it is here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HQSO9RO In America (at least), white males are supposed to be successful.  They aren't discriminated against; women and minorities are.  As I've documented here, it is very difficult to be a loser in this society, where winners are always rubbing it into the faces of losers like me.  Turn on the TV, and you'll see plenty of them: successful TV personalities, actors, athletes, entrepreneurs, etc.
I write eBooks, and nobody cares.  The last one really hurts.  I think it is very funny.  I got the idea to tweet jokes from it: trying to attract attention to it.  No one has bought it.  It's a failure, and so am I.  Lots of people don't want to read.  I use the library a lot.  People very rarely put holds on books; I'm virtually always able to renew them.  People put holds on DVDs, because most humans want them more than books.  And I've read some great books lately.  Though they weren't new.  Maybe I'd have had trouble renewing them if I took them out when they were new.   
I am a loser.  There's no separation.  I'm not reading, or watching, the story of a loser.  I am living that story.  It's not fun.  Much has been written here about what it's like to live the life of a loser: shitty, boring menial jobs, living in apartments instead of houses (and having to hear your neighbors as a result), not having much money, and being alone, because it's harder to attract women.
Lack of money means a lot of things.  It means I'm less likely to treat my depression and OCD with medication, because it is so expensive in this country that has mastered greed.  And, yes, my mental issues are untreated, and it has been that way for far too long.  It also means I'm less likely to have a pet (I don't.), because of the extra cost involved (Pets aren't allowed in my apartment complex anyway; not having a house means less freedom).  And dogs make me happy; I know they do.  It means that my home is depressingly messy, because I hate cleaning.  I'd pay someone to clean it if I could afford to.  There are all sorts of safety features that other people have on their cars.  They are less likely to get into an accident, and they will be protected better than someone like me in the event that they are involved in an accident.  I don't know how much longer I'll be able to live the life of a loser.      
 

Broken Links

My father is a broken link.  He hasn't been a father to me.  He left my mother and I when I was 2 years old.  He didn't teach me how to use tools, how to build stuff, how to fix things, how to throw a baseball, how to throw a football, how to fight, how to be a man; though he couldn't teach me how to be a man, because he isn't a man, and he never will be.  I've complained more about my mother here than my father.  The reason is that my mother attempts to be in my life.  She repeatedly reminds me of her and how she brought me into this world of pain, misery, and death.  I haven't heard from my father since I was a teen (a long time ago).  Did he ever care about me?  And, if so, then for how long?  Certainly not long.  No, I am just the physical manifestation of a big mistake he made. 
I work in a national hardware store, which is sort of ironic, because I know so little about building and fixing stuff.  I suppose that is why I have remained a cashier, even though I could conceivably transfer to another area in the store.  I've heard about how customers react when they feel as though my coworkers don't know enough about the areas they are covering.  So it's strange to be surrounded by all these people who build and fix stuff regularly; for lots of them, that's what their job entails. 
I mentioned the regular customer, who I thought was a nice guy, and he is, but he likes to brag about his money.  He told me a little story, in which he mentioned his $150,000 car.  Doesn't he realize that, as a cashier, I can't afford a car like that?  Does he enjoy rubbing his money into the faces of those who don't have as much as he does?  Bragging about money is like school on Sunday: no class.  How did he learn how to use tools and build and fix stuff?  Perhaps from his father.  So you see the difference between a boy whose father taught him things and a boy whose father taught him nearly nothing.
In fact, the more I talk to customers at work, the more likely they are to start bragging about their money.  Money is what matters more than anything in this shitty society.  It is why animals are treated so horribly.  It is all too common for them to not get the medical care they need, because that would cost money, so, as a result, they suffer.  It is also why animals like pigs and chickens are crammed into small spaces, many of them not getting enough space to walk at all; it's cost-effective.   
So, as a result of not knowing how to build and fix stuff, the thought of being a homeowner is a daunting one.  Therefore, for the foreseeable future, I don't se myself buying a house (not that I could afford one anyway), so I'll continue to live in apartments, and hearing my neighbors will continue to make me miserable.